I've been reading all the posts of the newcomers lately and my heart aches.  I have felt the pain,  confusion,  lack of hope, destruction of dreams, and loss of self-esteem that living with addiction causes.

I remember when I first came into this program two and a half years ago.  I would listen, read shares, and hear testimonies of peace and serenity and think that there was no way that could ever be mine.  Granted, I did not know all the details of what fellow members went through, but thought they must have serentity because their A is now sober, their A still loves them, they haven't experienced infidelity, they have a new love, they're not emeshed in the complications of a business,  their kids are grown, blah, blah, blah...  Then, in time, I was humbled as I learned that yes, I was correct in that many of the members who had peace hadn't my like experiences, but often times experienced  much worse.  Burying a child, physical abuse, special needs children, cancer, multiple life-threatening hospitalizations with a spouse, homelessness, jailtime.... yes, very different stories than my own.

So here I sit tonight, and really my life in and of itself is not that different than it was when I began.  I am still not divorced, my financial future is uncertain, and now my someday exA lives a short distance away with the Ag/f that has been and continues to be the catalyst of so much pain for me.  I have not worked this program perfectly - 1 (sometimes 2) meeting a week, sporadic readings, a great sponsor, daily MIP, and continuous work on having faith that my God will do for me what I cannot do for myself.

I had a birthday party for my 5 yr old this weekend.  I invited his dad because it was the right thing to do, and then politely gave him permission to opt out which he graciously took ( yay!).  The party was simple and I was able to nicely refuse my mom's push for more. Both my older kids made the first quarter honor roll, and my 16.5 son just took the initiative to get his permit.  Earlier today he asked me for a hug, just because.  He has been happily sticking close to home lately.  My 12 yr daughter old finally softened to admit and ask for help for the anxiety and depression she has been experiencing, and she has become more loving too.  Right now my kids are all together and content watching a show and building Legos. No bickering or fighting.  They helped me with some yardwork today, and I felt inspired to clean out all my kitchen cabinets. My ex came by and I felt neutral, with no desire to see even him.  He came to me and asked if he could sign a check for me (a tax check he is giving me) and I gave him some things from the kitchen I don't need.   To top it all off, I just did a load of laundry and found his 18 month AA chip in the washer (my ex gives them to the kids as his promise to them). When I asked my son if it was his, he claimed it in a hurry. 

Perhaps this all sounds "normal" and simple,  but I tell you this, IT IS A MIRACLE!  I know is just the beginning of realizing the promises of Al-Anon. We still have a lot of healing to do, and I post this as my testimony to today only. I encourage everyone to just keep coming back.  For me, the most difficult part of this program is the passage of time, but the reward is plentiful if you can just hang in there and embrace the love of Al-Anon.  I finally see great things ahead.

A song just came on my Ipod, " What Faith Can Do" by Kutlass. A message from my HP, I am sure.

"Everybody falls sometimes, gotta find the strength to rise, from the ashes and make a new beginning.

Anyone can feel the ache, you think its more than you can take, but you're stronger, stronger than you know

Don't you give up now, the sun will soon be shining, you gotta face the clouds to find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end, even when the sky is falling

I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new, that's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard, impossible is not a word, its just a reason for someone not to try

Everybody's scared to death, when they decide to take that step out on the water, it'll be alright

Life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing, you will find your way, if you keep belieiving

I've seen dreams that the move mountains, hope that doesn't ever end, even when the sky is falling

I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new, that's what faith can do

Overcome the odds, you don't have a chance, when the world says that you can't, it'll tell you that you can

I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end, even when the sky is falling

I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new, thats what faith can do

Even if you fall sometimes, you will have the strength to rise...

Thank you all for being here.  I love you all so much.

Blessings,

Lou








-- Edited by Loupiness on Monday 26th of October 2009 12:12:07 AM