The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Lately when he is drunk, all he talks about is wanting to go home to England. How he hates the United States; everyone is corrupt...the police, the
government, the health care system...everything. He may be close to the mark there..LOL Well, this afternoon while I was out shopping, he packed a bag and left. His British passport is gone. His UK driving license is gone. His heavy jacket is gone. A few changes of undies. Little else really.
I really wanted to work it out, but he would not get involved in a program, and he fell of his own accord. Once before he left for a couple of days and when he sobered up, he came back contrite and apologetic. This time I am not so sure.
Please tell me I will not die of loneliness, because right now, that's the way I feel. How does one go on alone?
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
((((Diva)))) I used to think that being alone was the worst thing in the world. I didn't wanna spend the rest of my life alone. I still don't. When I decided to get divorced, that was one of the things I was afraid of. I have discovered, however, that living with an alcoholic is not near as bad as living with myself. I think that was what I was more afraid of. I had to get to know me. That's what this program is about. It is support for living with alcoholics, but it's also getting to know the person we lost while being submerged in alcoholism. I have been alone for 11 years, and I hope one day I will have a relationship, but if not, I can accept living with myself and liking it.
SenoraBob
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
It sure feels strange at first, especially if we had all kinds of fears about being alone. But I've found that the more experiences I have and the richer I make my life without him, the more I feel it's all in the past. At first I was thinking about him 100% of the time, then 99%, then 98% ... then a few hours would go by ... then a day ... Life sure is nice without all the turmoil, too. And I have enough negativity of my own without needing anyone else's. It's so hard to go from concentrating on someone else to concentrating on yourself, but that's the way to take life back under control. Take care of yourself all you can. Especially now, but always. Can you get to some meetings? That's a big way to move forward.
I am living proof that people do not die of lonliness. I thought I was going to, I thought that if my heart just stopped beating, I would be better off. I felt as though I had lost a limb when I split with my ex. It was days that I couldn't get out of bed. It was sheer hell and I only survived it because of this program specifically. I went to two meetings a day, I accepted every hug that was offered. I even picked up the phone and called people!!
I am sorry that you are going thru this. One day at a time works really well.
I love getting rid of things, clothes especially. And there are clothes I LOVE, but that don't fit anymore. If I didn't let go of those clothes, I would never be able to be open enough to recieve the ones that really fit and really look good on me. When I let go, I have both hands free to receive what HP wants to give me.
You're home Diva...with family who loves you and you have been around a long time...The answer to your questions have been flying around here for years as well as the hugs. How do you do it? Like we have learned to do it. Get into the program...all the way in and keep coming back. You're home...he's not you've got answers and support and he still has alcohol which has never worked for him though he will keep trying it until he stops what ever way that is.
I am so sorry you are going through this. It breaks my heart. The one thing I have learned especially this past year is that there is a diffrence between being alone and being lonely. When you are lonely, you reach out to your family and friends. We will always be here for you. SenoraBob is right we have to get to know ourselves again. I am a work in progress. You will never be alone as long as you have your Alanon family right here with you. Sending you much love and blessings dear friend.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am sorry you are going through this (especially after all the trials and tribulations you 've have gone through).
It's a process my friend, a journey. As many before me have said you are not alone, yet the house is empty so there's different types of being alone. I, too, have lived alone now for 6 years and you know what? I kind of like it !
I found what helped me with confusion between being alone and being with someone unhealthy who I loved nonetheless was writing lists (and my sponsees will tell you how often I refer them to their lists - myself included).
One list what was I loved about (person) and on the other side was what I couldn't stand about (person). When I was feeling sad, I would look at the list of what drove me crazy about (person). It truly helped! When I was feeling angry and hateful about (person), I would look at what I loved about them. It helped keep me in check and in balance because life is not black and white.
The next list I began was slowly but surely adding things that I got to do without having to compromise with someone else. Oh boy, that actually was fun! For me, it was watching whatever TV program I wanted, turning the heat to 80 degrees if I was cold (which I always am), using a heating blanket all night long w/out care for the electric bill, cooking certain foods w/out hearing complaints about how the whole house smells, taking naps during the day w/out noise, having my very comfy whole bed to myself, all those silly things that can drive a partner crazy and the list goes on and on.
As I very s-l-o-w-l-y begin the process of considering whether or not I want to be in a relationship or not, I know it will comprise of a lot of compromise again.
I am here for you, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Ah, Diva, loneliness is such a huge issue for many of us. I know for me my fear of being alone stemmed mostly from how much I disliked myself for so long. I was afraid that others did too, and I would be forever alone. Also I had become comfortable in my known brand of misery and was afraid of the unknown misery that lurked just around that lonely corner.
When AH and I separated, I was forced to get to know myself and what a blessing that has been. I went to meetings, got a sponser, learned to call Al-Anon friends and shared how I felt. I learned to look directly at my fears and share them with my Al-Anon friends who could help me see reality better and not judge me. I have gotten to know this person that is me and have worked on some of the screaming character defects that kept me trapped in fear.
I like me a lot better now. I accept myself better and I am not afraid of being alone. I found the company wasn't too bad after all.
Love in recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
You will not die from loneliness. It may feel like it at times, but the feeling will pass. Take it one day at a time. It really does get easier with each passing day. Fill your day with all the things that you would normally do without him. Resist the urge to isolate or dwell on past events and conversations. My guess, based on my own E, S & H, is that there was absolutely nothing that you could have done or said to change the situation. For me, acceptance has been slow in coming, but it is coming.
Just remember, take are of you!!
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I have been dealing with this since the ex bf and I broke up. I think I am finally in a place where I see that life goes on. I have people around me, friends who are there for me. Lean on your friends, spend as much time with as many other people as possible. Thats what I did in the beginning and it helped. Nothing can take away the sadness, grief and sense of loss when someone you truly love walks out of your life. I'm still not completely finished with my ex bf inside. On the other hand my ex ah is staying on my couch at the moment and after years of swearing nothing like that would ever happen here it is. Many times when I'm with him I realize being alone is not so bad LOL but when I first left him it also seemed to be the end of the world. I know this is cliche but time really does heal all. I think that if you fill up your time with other people and things to do and quit thinking in terms of us and start thinking in terms of me it gets better and better. I am back to thinking of me and the kids rather than the future I had planned with a boyfriend who obviously wasn't capable of providing me with what I needed (commitment, strength, etc.) Over time this will get easier. The biggest thing for me to think about with all my exes is... do I really want to go through this again? How can I trust them not to hurt me this way again after they have done it once? Would I give them another chance to do it again and the answer has to be no for me. Until I have seen proof of change I will not trust again. Giving away trust too easily and becoming dependent on someone else for my emotional well being are two of my pitfalls and I I see that but seeing something, knowing what to do about it and actually following through on it when it's against what you feel in your heart are all very different things. The heart and mind are in a constant battle for me and I see it much like the battle between good and evil. What I want and what is good for me are usually two very opposite things! I guess the key is learning to recognize what is good for you then learning to want that instead of what feels good at the moment.
Diva.... this is where your strength and knowledge will assist you... My wise old sponsor used to remind me to break things down into manageable chunks - literally breaking down the "one day at a time" concept to one hour, or one minute, etc.... How will you go on?? Breathe in, breathe out..... put one foot in front of the other.... It will work out - perhaps not how you had anticipated, but it WILL work out.....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I would hold off on making assumptions. A's don't tend to go too far but are great at making grand grand gestures especially to get you to back down. I missed the ex A so much and I relented and let him back in my life. I regret that in some ways and know I had to work it through.
Evnetually I did not die of loneliness. My life is so much better without that continual nightmare.
I'm so sorry.....you must be feeling so much pain right now. Uncertainty and instability is miserable but the worst is the lonliness one can feel when they are missing or longing for someone as you are. You will not die of lonliness, you will cry and hurt and you will be sad and eventually you will pick yourself up, move on and start living again.
You are in my thoughts. Not knowing was always the hardest part for me. The where, when, and why's of my ex's disapearing acts. When I could find ways of keeping busy between the bouts of worrying, self pity and anger my emotions were managable. It can be lonely at times being on my own. Recently I discovered after being away from my ex for a while there is no way i would give up my serene enviroment for another person's company. Not only can you survive loneliness, you can thrive in it. Every day now when i come home and everything is where I left it and nobody is waiting to complain how horrid the world is I give thanks for my serenity and solitude. I hope you find comfort in your own way as soon as you can. Much love.
It's so hard to go from concentrating on someone else to concentrating on yourself, but that's the way to take life back under control. Take care of yourself all you can. Especially now, but always. Can you get to some meetings? That's a big way to move forward.
I kind of like it ! 
