The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As many of you know I raged and raged and raged at the alcoholic. I would leave 30 messages on his phone regularly. I also spent a lot of time trying to read and work out what the different numbers on his cell phone meant. I felt incredibly jealous of the people who I felt got the "best" part of him. Now I realise of course he was an addcit and an alcoholic there was no best part. That was all in my imagination.
I am beginning to see there were two part of my rage. There was the stuff that was triggered from childhood and the hurt he cause me, the lies, the chaos, the broken promises, his sheer indifference to me and our househould. Then the most toxic part, the part that nearly destroyed me was the rage at reality. I did not want to accept my reality that I was stuck with an alcoholic who was going downhill and I raged and raged and raged at him in my denial. I think that rage was the most corrosive in my life and I've certainly been there before
I can completly relate Maresie. And my own rage scared the heck out of me. I was uncontrollable in my rage and the things I would say to my ex A were insane.
And I thought I was "normal". I suppose it was a "normal" reaction in response to the "normal" insanity that I was living with.
Thank God and Alanon that I no longer have to live with that.
Then the most toxic part, the part that nearly destroyed me was the rage at reality. I did not want to accept my reality that I was stuck with an alcoholic who was going downhill and I raged and raged and raged at him in my denial. I think that rage was the most corrosive in my life and I've certainly been there before
Maresie.
Hi Maresie I agree. I know all to well that rage at reality!!!! I even refused to speak to HP because I decided he did not exist.
It just show how irrational I was. If HP did not exist then of coarse there would be no point in speaking to him.
My rage at reality was the most powerful and destructive part of my reaction to alcoholism. Of coarse it took many years for me to truly see this and had anyone suggested that I did not live in reality or accept reality I would have argued the fact.
Things out of my control, things I was powerless over I could not accept. Thank God for alanon and these tools.
Thanks again for an insightful message
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 25th of October 2009 03:57:45 PM
I often hear stories in Alanon about how the alcoholic gets off scot free and those of us living with the alcoholics were raging or acting crazy and we were sober <sigh>.
Thank goodness for this program today, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
