The material presented
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I remember when EXABF and I were dating, I went to his house one day and on his pc screen he had this posty taped and it read "Let her be her!". When I asked what it meant he told me it was a reminder to himself to just let me be who I am and not try to change me. At the time, I was completely ticked off by it......I mean who the he$$ was he to even want to change me? After all I was as close to perfection as one could get (quit laughing-lol), or at least I strived CONSTANTLY to do everything perfect.
Today off and on all day, I have been corresponding with this gentleman I have been recently dating, as to WHAT we are going to do this weekend and WHEN. Now I am a planner, I NEED to be organized and I LIKE to prepare for whatever. You would not think it would be soooo hard to make a definite plan and go from there, but NOOOOO. That is just tooooo much for him!UGH!!!! The only plan we have is we are going to see one another tomorrow-that is IT and to me that is sooooooooo frustrating. Oh and he wants me to go with him to his brother's at 6pm.
I am trying my best to accept the things I can not change-I know not everyone in this world thrives on organization like I do, but living with active A'ism for years it helped me cope and feel like I had some control in things. Then I remember the Ex's little posty note and realized exactly how he must have felt at the time he wrote it....
Funny how little triggers come back when you least expect them. I'd have never thought when I first read that note almost 2 yrs ago, that I'd be applying it to myself and a new relationship encounter........Kinda really makes me sad.....
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
aw...what would be sad is if you ignored that little message entirely and didnt try to apply it at all. i think this a good moment for you, grow from the experience. =)
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sticking feathers up your butt doesnt make you a chicken.
Sometimes you have to allow yourself to let your "Hair Down" in order to pick your newest adventure... Or have HP Lead ya too it...
My day tomorrow is not planned At all other then the time of leaving, and that is honestly all I can do... My Schedule is OPEN ALL DAY, so knowing the exacts of it, really isn't that important... if in your shoes, I may at least ask if I was goin to be Indoors or Out, just to know what to wear :)
Hang in there Girl... For this to shall pass, and when it does... I can't wait to hear how the day went ;)
Take what ya like and leave the rest :) RELAX Let HP Lead the way :)
I can say my experience of dating is that I do structure. I don't have open ended time because I am not that available. I used to be available 24/7.
You have the right to structure your time. If what he proposes doesn't wash with you come up with something else. In addition make a plan be. If the date isn't going well have a back up plan. If I let myself in for an open ended time I'd be totally setting myself up for a lot of things that got me in a lot of trouble.
"Let her be her!". When I asked what it meant he told me it was a reminder to himself to just let me be who I am and not try to change me.
I am trying my best to accept the things I can not change-I know not everyone in this world thrives on organization like I do, but living with active A'ism for years it helped me cope and feel like I had some control in things.
Hi Shelly I think you have been given some great feedback. i just wanted to note that when I read your share I was struck by the message on the post.it. :
Let Shelly be who she is and do nt try to change her. For me alanon has been a self acceptance program . If you need structure in order to feel safe and secure than right now that is what you need,
Try to compromise and in your own mind have plan a,b,c and do not forget to have fun
Yours in recovery
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 23rd of October 2009 05:12:32 PM
" living with active A'ism for years it helped me cope and feel like I had some control in things."
This is where I would have to check myself and motives. Since admittedly your need for "organization" is really based in controlling. Maybe "organization/plans is just a nice word for "control??
It may make you feel safe, but is it healthy? If it makes you feel safe, it's an illusion. Whether someone drinks or not you are still powerless over them. I recall how upset you were when plans were changed upon an X's request to accomidate their daughter .
Having expectations that someone is going to follow your demand to plan is setting yourself up for resentments.
Look at this again..
as to WHAT we are going to do this weekend and WHEN.(an attempt to force a solution to your demands?) Now I am a planner, I NEED (your need, not his) to be organized and I LIKE (again, your issue) to prepare for whatever. You would not think it would be soooo hard to make a definite plan and go from there, but NOOOOO. That is just tooooo much for him!UGH!!!! (followed by resentment that he can't/won't be controlled)
Some people are just fun loving, spontanious people and expect to have fun no matter what they do. They feel no need to have their fun planned on a schedule. I'm that way. I like to consider things an adventure and when someone starts demanding to know what is going to happen and when it will happen, I feel they are attempting to control me and the situation, which usually doesn't work out so well for them.
Sometimes I don't have a clue what is going to happen. A friend might call and say "Hey, you want to find something to do tomorrow afternoon?" I don't say "Tell me what you want to do first". To me, that's like putting conditions on whether I want to be with them or not based on what we do. Being with that friend is the fun part, not what we are doing.
Of course giving a person an approximate time of pick up and a general idea of what you may be doing is courteous (as far as inside ot outside clothing). But to have someone insist on scheduling my day, my time and what will happen in that time ...forget it!
Take what you like and leave the rest... Christy
-- Edited by Christy on Sunday 25th of October 2009 11:46:29 AM
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
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