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Hello! I have been married for 21 years. The early years of our marriage were very shakey - with him getting very drunk on a regular basis, losing his license, spending the night in jail. It was hard and always my fault. Don't remember how it happened, but that is when I first discovered Al-Anon. It was my lifesaver. I learned how to be a much better me. I loved him and wanted to figure out a way to make out life work. He was furious with my attendance at Al-Anon. What would people think?
Life carried on, better, and we had three daughters. About this time due to my hectic life, I guess I figured I graduated from Al-Anon. I must point out that although I lquit going, much of what I learned there I was still applying to my life. But, the drinking started up again and anger flared and he swore he wouldn't drink and drive again (and that he hasn't done). For some reason though, he decided on his own, to cut back on drinking. Now he hardly gets drunk (when he does, it is bad) but he actually goes for months without a bout. He still has an occasional drink but the binges aren't there. The last time he got drunk - a light bulb went off for me - I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad, I wasn't hurt, I wasn't anything - I didn't care. I told him he could drink as much as he wants whenever he wants - I won't own his problem or his shame - but his three daughters would likely have a harder time hearing the stories from friends about "how drunk their dad was on the weekend." I felt nothing for him. His behaviour had no impact.
Anyway, that was a long time ago. But since, other problems have arisen. He is frequently angry; accuses me of having affairs; monitors all phone calls/bills; times how long it takes me to get from point A to point B; the girls and I can't do anything right; raises his voice; doesn't participate in family life (but has lots of his own activities). Life is like walking on eggshells, so much so, when I come home I am afraid to hear what I did wrong that day. He doesn't talk. He claims we don't tell him what is going on - but he doesn't listen or look at the calendar where we all write our schedules down (he said he doesn' t look at it, it is up to us to tell him). I find that often when I am around him, I feel tense and totally wound up. I have forgot my Al-Anon teachings/learnings and can't shake the yucky feeling I have. Sometimes, the accusations are so ridiculous I question my sanity. When I tell him I am tired of him pointing out all my faults - he tells me I am just too sensitive. The other week when my daughter asked him to give her sick cat a shot of penicillin (we live on a farm) he said what the cat needed was a bullet not a needle. THis of course caused tears on her part. His response - hey it isn't my fault she is so sensitive. THen again, nothing is his fault.
So, I went to a counsellor. The short of it is - he told me to go back to Al- Anon. He said I am married to a classic dry drunk (who would've thunk/) and it would probably be better if he was drinking. What he is doing is emotional abuse. Go figure - does it ever end???? Not until he admits a problem and gets help (fat chance that will ever happen). My meetings in my rural area are once a week - I need more right now. THis blog will so greatly help.
So, I am working on me so my girls can see a stronger mom deal with all the blows. It is hard. I read others comments and everyone seems to stick by their alcoholic. It is a disease, it isn't his fault...great again - seems like an excuse to accept being picked upon. The short, I am back to this wonderful world of Al-Anon and I am still going to the counsellor. But, I don't think I can ride the rollercoaster of life with an alcoholic. I have tried to forgive, let go of the hurt, but I can't seem to forget. THe best times the girls and I have are when he isn't around. How does everyone else do it? How do you get back to feeling the real you? How do you not want to slap him silly for the senseless things he says? (That is just figurative speech, I don't lay a hand on him). I know, keep working on my steps. But, it seems like part of that is working on getting a life back with my husband. I don't think I can ever trust him with my feelings or my heart again. I don't want my girls to marry someone like him. I want more out of life and if that means going it alone - I can do it. I am raising those girls without his participation anyway. How does everyone else live with their dry drunks? THe rest of the community (not friends of family, as they have witnessed the real him) thinks he is the greatest man - everytime I hear that I want to yell - "NOT AT HOME." I think, in truth, he is very unhappy with himself - otherwise why does he feel the need to point out our faults, but never being accountable for his own?
In short - advice and guidance greatly appreciated. Also, I put my "I feel" statements in to work last night and didn't let him push my buttons when he started on the phone bill and that I am on the road for work tonight - and he got even angrier. Great fun!(that was sarcasm).
Welcome to MIP. With years of Al-Anon under your belt and knowing how to apply the program in your life you have a temendous advantage. But, even when working the program to he best of our ability sometimes we still feel alone in between our meetings. That is why MIP is so important. It fills in the gaps between meetings or calling another member of your group. I made MIP a part of my life over two years ago and it has been a blessing in my life. You will find many caring, and wise members on this board with tons of ESH.
Keep coming back, because you already know "It works if you work it."
Welcome. You are among friends here. It sounds as though your husband isn't drinking as much, but he's still not in recovery. He hasn't been doing any work on himself. So you just have a problem that looks a little different.
People have found different answers to their situations, but definitely not everyone stays with their alcoholic. Everyone's situation is different. When I realized that the insane behavior in my marriage was not going to stop, I asked my husband to leave, which he did. He was never controlling, though, so I didn't have to take extra steps to make sure of my safety. The problem I had to face was that my addiction was him. I was afraid of the pain, the grief at a failed marriage, the fear that I couldn't handle everything on my own, the guilt that maybe somehow I should have tried harder. (I didn't realize that I had tried way too hard already.) So I had to face my own emotions down. But I had been through so much pain by that time that leaving lessened my pain, instead of increasing it. (I did fear I'd go through a meltdown -- but actually I felt free, a bit scared but free.)
Your story about what your husband said about your daughter's cat struck a chord with me. I remember my own father, who wasn't an alcoholic but had many of the same characteristics of cruelty that you describe. He once said a similar thing about a pet of mine. And what eventually happened to that pet I don't want to describe. But I'll say this: I have never forgotten what he said and did, and I never will. It was a defining moment of my childhood. I wish my own mother had protected me from that. You are fortunate that your kids are still kids and you can help them.
I hope you can get to some of the online meetings, take care of yourself, and keep coming back.
Thank you so very very much. I will keep this up, it will be my life line. Yes, I have felt I worked so hard and gained so little in my marriage. Your words struck so true for me. I feel less alone. I feel all those things you said - failure over my marriage, fear about being alone, guilt - oh the guilt is tremendous - because I will be choosing to leave. Yes, the pain is great but so is the fear of losing myself in all of this mess called alcholism. Thank you for your wisdom, I will keep coming back.
Let me add one more thing that you probably already know. Your A is not working his program, does not like himself and is not willing to admit it is his problem. Thats not your problem and you should not feel guilty one little bit, instead you deserve a pat on the back for working your program over the years. You might have let some of that "stinking thinking" creep back in and control you, and therefore take away some of your your serenity, and that is O.K. The main thing we all have to remember and never forget is to take care of ourselves first. Not sometimes, but all the time. It sounds to me like that is exactly what you are going to start doing. Life will get better "One Day At A Time".
Not all of us stick with the alcoholic. I didn't. After 7 years of abuse, craziness and chaos I left. I doubt very much if I would have left without al anon.
There are many choices in dealing with an alcoholic. Some days I can find myself pulled into the "disease" of those around me. These days I think it is possible to be close to people and boundaried.
I am so glad you went to a counselor. I know therapy helps me a great deal to see how easily I can become enmeshed.
The ex A was manipulative, controlling, angry, exhausting to be around. I had to reall work not to be pulled into his craziness but over time I got there. I do not think detachment comes over night. I believe strongly it is a real art to practice it and keep at it.
I loved the sarcasm and even more cause you know what to call it...Great fun yeah sometimes working th is program and being able to walk "thru" a war without picking up a weapon is awesome learning. You came back to your recovery roots!! How the hell awesome is that? You sound level, like you're still put together well. That for me is that you learned and believed what you learned. You might have fallen off a cliff and only stumbled on a step or two. I'm glad you're here. Welcome back home. (((((hugs)))))
