Hello-
I haven't been able to make it to any meetings F2F for a while, but the chemistry was off. It was mostly old women, or people who really grew up with and live in alcoholic families. I didn't feel that I fit in... felt sorta foolish for going to Al Anon for marajuana use and a porn habit.
I am not even sure STBAH is addicted to porn... he has a large collection of it. I am sure it all stems from some insecurity he has, and I know what that insecurity is. But who cares? we all have insecurities.
The pot thing is more what I deal with-- the dysfunction of it.
But since I joined Al Anon, I don't notice it as much as I did.

I have come a LONG way... I asked God to remove my judgemental attitude, and he did. I can't beleive I was so critical and mean in my thinking. What I didn't expect is that I am a lot happier not being so critical/judgemental.
All I have now are the feelings I had-- what I see now where the judgemental attude was applied is some discomfort and fear. Now I can say "i am not comfortable" or I can acknowledge my fear and ask GOd to guide me through it.
I have seen my HP at work in me in the coolest, most profound and existentially perfect ways. I was evicted for reasons not my doing, and found a house for sale... I met the owner. He is a sweet sweet man. He let me move in, my rent going towards the purchase price. My pets are allowed to be here, and what's more,  it's kinda like my dream house. I hope I get to buy it, but if not, then I'll just be happy that my son and I even get to live here.
I  was worried when I got the eviction notice, and I gave it to God to take care of... and he did!
I think STBAH can tell there is something special at work in me lately. I've been so happy, even with him out of town.


STBAH is happier too, although he did have some panick moments. He is re-evaluating his career and deciding on what else he can do for a living. He is facing possible bankruptcy, and I'm not bailing him out. I did offer him a place to stay, and use of my car when I am not using it. I have some money in savings tha the knows about, but I told him that using it to pay his credit card debts would be bad for our relationship. I might not ever get that savings money back and I'd resent all the opportunities I'd waste by not having that little nest egg.

I told him when he was panicking about the financial situation he's in, that he's an intelligent, creative, and good man and that good things will come to him-- tha the needs to stay open to them, and not block them.  Take every job that comes his way, and trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to.  I don't know if that means he'll go bankrupt or not, of course!
Essentially, I told him to trust in Life that things have a way of working themselves out if they aren't blocked.
ANd do you know what?
He paid off one card, and found his next job.

I won't see him for a few weeks... but one jobs tends to lead to another. He could end up being gone for the whole winter. But he could also come back totally out of credit card debt and feeling like he has a new lease on life.
Maybe.

He has also been talking about other things that make sense. ...he's been out of pot for a while, and says "I can't even afford to smoke it, or drink beer. " O shucks!
I don't feel sorry for him. I know he enjoys those things and looks forward to them both... but I think some of his recent realizations coulod be becuase he is out of pot and too broke to buy beer.
lol

ANyway, I'm not doing cartwheels or anything. I don't really expect him to change throughout the years. I love him as he is. He doesn't love me with an idea that I'd be great if only I was 20 pounds lighter. I would hate that. I'd dump him if he did. I can't love the changed version of him that I sometimes think I see in my head. I'd LOVE for him to self-actualize and reach a peak experience... but that is ME. I did tell him I'd love to see him thrive.
Thriving is important TO ME. I need to thrive. I need to self actualize. Not all the time, but often.
If he doesn't, then he doesn't. He's a different person from me. He has a disease called POTHEAD/Addict dysfunction and for him, getting by and having some fun is the best he can accomplish.

I wonder:  if he never does thrive and is always sorta stuck in the quagmire of this pothead's dysfunction-- how bored I"ll get with that.  I guess the good news is that I feel there is room for him to be doing his thing, and room for me to be doing mine.
He's still a very sweet, good man. He is my family. I know he has a problem. I don't need him to be happy, and he's good at staying out of my way so taht I can be/letting me do what I need to take care of myself.

My way wasn't working, and I am powerless over his dysfunction. But I beleive in a higher power who has done such good things for my life, that I am relatively certain I can take whatever gets put in my path now. I ask daily for God to put me where I need to be. I ask my higher power to continue to remove the crtical judgements I make against those I love. I ask for skills to conquor my fears and insecurities.
I love my life, and am learning to love myself more.

yours in recovery,
woops