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Just need some feedback here, so I can quit obsessing Why do I care what my exAH and his A g/f (both sober?) think, and thus say, about me? Controlling, narcissistic, a liar... lots of names for me. Funny thing is, they describe me exactly as what I think of them. AH runs everything by her and seeks her "guidance" and relationship advise. She is technically still married too. Thier relationship started as an affair 2 yrs ago, and they started their recovery together after he got kicked out of rehab because of her visits. They were together for over a year becfore her husband found out about it. (Such a love story... ) Discovered he forwards all my communication to him to her for her review and input. Ugh. Does things like send me a "happy" text about giving me money, then will get home and retract it, put conditions of it, etc. Making me crazy. A bit disturbing to see where he is with all the counseling he is getting from the intensive programs he is in. Yeah, and more than a bit disturbing to see that this is where I am at too.
What is the answer here, friends? I think I just figured it out. Stop communicating with him. Period. Kind of hard with the kids, as I want to share the troubles (as well as the good things), but rarely do I get the support I want and need. Admittedly, I sometimes do it to try and make a point that our kids are suffering, and yeah, I do blame much of it on him. Thing is, its not working and just fuels the fire of resentment on both ends.
One more thing I am figuring out. I guess I had this illusion that now that he is sober and getting so much help, that he is the partner/dad I always wanted him to be, but for someone else. He definately is a better dad and is working really hard to make a "family" with his g/f and her 2 girls. I take that very personal, and it still makes me feel like a failure sometimes. What if is all about me? But, then I realize that the problem probably wasn't just the alcohol/drugs and that there are behaviors/attitudes that the substances were medicating, and they just are, whether drinking or not. In my head I think that it can't possibly be a healthy realtionship, but then I think, "what if it is?" If I didn't have kids involved in it, it wouldn't matter (or not so much). Maybe I just need validation of this. What is it they say? You can take the rum out of a fruitcake, but you still have fruitcake! And personally, I think fruitcake is gross.
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
this sounds very familiar to me. I always think I am the hero of my own story. I am the one who took the moral high ground. I am the one deserving of love and care. I should win. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that. Life isn't fair and Prince Charming sometimes ends up really being a toad.
I guess, for me, the point becomes- how much of my life do I want to spend obsessing about this vs just living my own life with as much joy and integrity as possible? I can't change the past and the future is not guaranteed-- but I have this day, now.
I am sorry for what you are going thru .Here's an idea. Put it aside just for today and enjoy your kids. If talking to your ex makes you nuts- don't do it TODAY. I am not saying never- but just for today give yourself a little serenity.
take care-
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
I have been through these same thoughts and feelings with my ex. The fact that he hooked up while we were still married and all, maybe she is the one who will turn him into the good person I thought he was, maybe it WAS all me, maybe now he will be happy and I will be left to be alone with the pieces and the kid's anger and on and on and on....
Fact is, my ex couldn't hold anything together for long. Eventually, HE surfaces and that's the end of whatever fantasy he has constructed. And I didn't have a darn thing to do with it. I removed myself from the picture entirely and he imploded with her just like he did with me (minus the child casulaities as they didn't have kids together). I tried even after we were seperated to control how our family was going to be. I enabled him to be a dad. I kept him involved in the kids lives, what they were feeling/thinking/doing when with me. I wanted him to be the dad I thought he should be. I enabled him. When I stopped he stopped. And it is sad. But I am far less insane. And my kids get to see the reality, which sucks, but it is better than me denying or negating the reality.
Lou, his "relationship" is sick, just incase you were wondering. Ask any "normal" out there. A man who leaves rehab to be with another drunk and then goes into "sobriety" with her and then lets her take the role of mommy towards him (making his decisions etc) well, that's the hallmark of the NOT sober. My ex did it with his sponsers. I would say somethng like " Can you pick the kids up from skating lessons" and he would say " I don't know I will have to check with my sponser" WTH?????
Giving the control of our own lives to another human being is sick.And it is NOT AA, nor is it a good and right way to live. Also, to say if there were not kids involved you would be ok with what has happened , well, I understand what you mean, but I feel marriage creates it's own seperate entity and if another comes in and helps destroy that entity, children or no, it is a big, bad deal.
But that is a new recognition on my part. I have been on both sides of a wrecked marriage and I know now I will never be on the side of home wrecker again. Ever.
No contact has been my best friend. Letting him have or not have a relationship with the kids is his deal, not mine. And we (the kids and I) are better for it.
It's none of my business what other people think of me, especially my ex.
And I remember it well. I remember in the beginning, needing to let go of the obsessing. I noticed that these thoughts were causing ME to suffer. And, it's just not a kind thing to do to myself.
It was suggested to me, to take deep breaths, and as I exhaled, say something like, "I release you to HP." I needed to let him go, and get him out of my system. However, he happens to be the father of my children, so I actually do want what is best for him. Absolutely. If he is not well, my kids will not be happy. Today, I hold him in light, a visualization of HP's bright, healing light when I think of him. It's the best way I know how to pray for him. I pray that HP will take good care of him.
Gratefully, we get along well enough around each other, able to tie up all the loose ends of the divorce, without any drama whatsoever. It would NEVER have been possible, without my program. Never. I'm the one who's changed, and it's making a huge difference.
There are only 3 kinds of business: Higher Power's, Mine, and Anyone else's. Thinking about how my ex conducts his life, is none of my business. Today, my focus is on MEEEEE and my future! That's my business. I really don't know what it looks like yet (haha) but I am a creative girl. With my HP, how can it not be fabulous?!
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 18th of October 2009 10:39:26 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Lou... it's actually almost funny, when we step back and look at it..... we continue to look at sick and irrational A's, and hope/want/expect them to act in healthy and rational ways.... My dear old sponsor used to advise me, rather than to go to my A for validation, try talking to a brick wall instead.... Neither one will get you any positive results, but at least the brick wall won't manipulate your words/feelings to their benefit....
Good insight....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Why do I care what my exAH and his A g/f (both sober?) think, and thus say, about me? Controlling, narcissistic, a liar... lots of names for me. Funny thing is, they describe me exactly as what I think of them. AH runs everything by her and seeks her "guidance" and relationship advise. She is technically still married too. Thier relationship started as an affair 2 yrs ago, and they started their recovery together after he got kicked out of rehab because of her visits. They were together for over a year becfore her husband found out about it. (Such a love story... 
) Discovered he forwards all my communication to him to her for her review and input. Ugh. Does things like send me a "happy" text about giving me money, then will get home and retract it, put conditions of it, etc. Making me crazy. A bit disturbing to see where he is with all the counseling he is getting from the intensive programs he is in. Yeah, and more than a bit disturbing to see that this is where I am at too. 