The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been 3 months since I broke up with my ABF and I find I still have moments where I am angry with him for being such a helpless drunk and ruining our relationship. It just pi**e* me off! I wish he (the memories, anger, hurt, etc.) would just go away.
I haven't heard from him since I dumped him in his parent's driveway after ending our vacation 10 days early. Although I know logically it wouldn't have made a difference in his sick mind had I done so, I never had the chance to express to him my hurt, anger, sadness over what his behavior had caused. Why I made the decision I did. Instead of challenging him back when he blamed me for his drinking, I just walked away and kept my mouth shut. Oh how I wish I would have just ripped him a new one.
I'd still just love to give him an ear full. Well, email full since he's back in Korea. But I know I'd be lowering myself to new levels if I do so.
How do I get closure for an event where there seemingly is none?
Hmm good post! I have been sorting thinking this myself. Although I have to see him still since we have a child. Like you said it wouldn't have made a difference in his sick mind. I once tried to tell him how much he hurt me since I left and he wasn't going for it. Didn't want to hear it. It ended up just making me more angry he couldn't even listen to me after all the crap he has done. But I also need some sort of closure and don't know where to begin.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
In both programs Al-Anon and AA it is spoken about the danger of resentments and how we can ill afford them and try to reach serenity or sobriety for that matter. It will hardly work. The suggestions about Al-Anon meetings and literature and the program as the source for recovery is always mentioned.
Look back at former post and read the complaints and suggested solutions.
He is in Korea so that must mean that the resentments are really long distance. He's gone and you're still letting him hurt you. There are other choices I found and they all came out of the meetings and literature, sponsors, steps etc etc
Hello Hawk , u have a right to tell him how much he hurt you it may give u some closure , just don't expect that it will change anything with him . I found that alot of my anger left towards the alcoholic when i accepted my part in the relationship . I had choices , I just didnt have the courage to follow thru . I stayed and took the crap , I taught him how to treat me he was only doing what alcoholics do , no one I can blame for that but me . When all was said and done the one I was angriest at was ME for what I had allowed . I thought so little of myself at the time that I accepted unexceptable behavior over and over again . Talk to your sponsor , get rid of the anger and let go . for yoursake . Louise
Have you considered writing him a letter? Not to mail - just to vent? Take lots of paper, write it all down -get your feelings, your anger, your resentments out on paper - then read it, and say "I forgive you" and burn it up! These resentments you are carryign around only hurt one person - YOU.
Forgiveness is not for the other person, it is for your own wellbeing, so that you can move on. Alcoholism is a mysterious, hateful disease - and no matter how much you loved him, or how much you blame him now, the fact is that it happened, you can't control it, cure it and sure didn't cause it - but you can recover from it. Make a conscious decision to turn the whole situation over to your higher power, and let it go...
If he had brain cancer, you would be angry at the cancer, not him. Again, until we accept the fact it is a disease, we will carry around so much resentment inside that will inturn kill us.
He is being controlled.
All those thoughts, memories will go away when you don't blame hhim for having a horrible disease.
Hawk, there's not much more I believe I can add that hasn't been said, I know I went through a whole range of emotions after my ex (A) and I split, then divorced, and it was a very unhealthy marriage, but the hurt remained. I often wish I had the tools of this program while going through it. May sound trite but time did help.
I got fed up with my ABF and told him how I really felt. Some of the things I said were not so nice and I broke up with him. But, he wrote me saying he never realized before how much pain it caused me. I feel guilty though for saying what I did and maybe it caused more harm to him then good I'm not really sure. I think you are doing the right thing. Just keep working on yourself and everything will turn out OK.
I can only give you my ESH. I had 7 years with an ex A. I kept wanting to tell him how much he hurt me. He was never ever ready to listen. Eventually I got to express it enough here and in other places (therapy) and I got it out. Then I got to the point where I had nothing left to say to him. I certainly have anger but none of that is worth directing towards him directly as he isn't interested in my feelings one bit. He's still in active addiction as far as I know (and I make a point of not knowing).
I hope that this helps. I certainly don't feel I have closed the book yet on the issue from such a long relationship. At the same time I don't think about him day and night anymore either. I don't even wonder how he is, where he is or whether he is still alive, I detached.
Hi Hawk, I too struggle with resentments anger and bitterness this is aprt of our sickness, this is how the disease affects us the people around the drinker. Here is how I try and deal with it. he is sick he never meant any of it, he knows what he has done and I dont have to remind him he beats himself up everytime he looks in the mirror, or puts his head on the pillow. My partners self hate can really be observed when he is drunk. Everyone of us has choices we chose to stay, we chose to accept unacceptable behavior. I have really struggled with this I got anger with me then he was sick and I let him hurt me because I thought I could fix him. But I did the best I could at the time. I give myself a pat on the back for all the hard work I have done learning this programme. Today my partner is sober and I have to fight all these old resentments, I wont lie it is a daily struggle but if I go with these negative thoughts this disease is still affecting all of us.
Thankyou so much for your share because you have made me realise that this disease and its affects are still all around me and I need to fight it evey hour of every day. I want to be happy there is no point being upset about things I can not change, but from today I will love me and take care of me .
