The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This post was written on a whim, after reading Peggy's Post entitled : "Change Your Thinking". If you have not read it yet, I strongly recommend you do - perhaps even before you go further by reading the following. It literally brought tears to my eyes and reminded me of similar situations where I have had to pretend, dream, compare that which I DO/DID know, assume, learn, re-learn and grow - in another form of 'recovery'....
You see, I have a hearing problem - had it since birth. Although tests, doctors and hospital visits were few and far between as I grew up, I didn't find out I had damage to my ears since I was born until I had extensive hearing testing done 19 years ago and had the pleasure (?) to experience 'firsts' aplenty.
When I was told at the age of 26, (20 years ago), that my lack of hearing was not my 'ignorance' or my 'refusing to pay attention' or even my 'lack of interest' - I was truly elated! It was a REAL Problem ... not something that as a child, I somehow used against all those teachers, parents, friends or others who came and went in my life. My hearing problem was indicative to damage while I was developing in the womb and cannot be fixed or cured with operations or cognitive implants. Inevitably, as I age - I will become totally deaf... (add a sigh heavily here for me and listen to the sound, for I do not know what it sounds like coming from someone else - perhaps you can somehow relate it and describe it to me).
I wear hearing aides now, in both ears, however ... they will NEVER give to me what others hear naturally. I do not hear crickets, or birds singing their song, or even drips from the sink when the faucet is on. I do not hear "I Love You" whispers nor the whimpers of a child. I am at a loss to gentle fluttering of leaves as the wind touches the branches of trees. (oh, I noticed some of these even rhyme, although I didn't try to do this!) I do not know what a squeaky wheel sounds like or even the blinkers in my car. I have never heard a frog croak or even a cats meow. A whistling tea-kettle goes unnoticed as does most of what is said on TV Thank God for Closed Caption Television Shows, but alas...my 27" TV Blew up this past February and the 13" TV Screen is so hard to see, let alone the available "CC". The humming of the refrigerator or the need for oil in hinges is something that escapes me. When I sing, I generally do it a little off-key. (I unintentionally rhymed again, - maybe I should try my hand at writing poetry?). As my child became frustrated due to hunger, wetness, wanting attention, or even her giggles... I missed them unless I was in the same room, very near to her. I ask people to please allow my phone on their end at least 5 times ring just in-case I am in another room and do not hear that I am trying to be reached. I become intimidated if I have to say 'What was that you said?', or 'Could you repeat that, Please?' because I know your patience can wear thin with my requests for repeat.
I cannot use a regular phone, a cell phone, neither can I hug you close or dance cheek to cheek - as the 'mechanical ears' I own cause feed-back and whistle at me when things are too near. (I truly wish they were the whistles that announce that someone is impressed, but alas - these are loud whistles that could equate with a train whistling directly in ones ear and makes their eyes leak). I need to be awakened by my daughter if I have an early morning appointment for I cannot hear the loudest of loud alarm clocks - even with my hearing aides in place, and one cannot wear their hearing aides while sleeping. The electronic alarms in stores that signal a plastic anti-theft tag has been left on an item, cause a buzz in my ears that I assume and pretend sound similar to a buzzing bumble-bee. When the batteries die in my hearing aides and I receive the 'warning beep-beep-beep' from within, I am at a total and complete loss with equilibrium issues and insecurities because what I DO hear becomes muffled, muted or silenced altogether. I have to immediately stop what I am doing and 'excuse myself' if I am with others, especially during a conversation, to remove my 'ear' and replace a battery that is smaller than a pencil eraser and can be as slippery as a wet frog in a bog (I lose and drop them all the time, even though some genius invented 'tabs' to help you insert them in this small cup that is just as small as the battery - where you have to struggle to 'fit in in there' while being inconspicuous that you are playing with something that is gravely important while smiling profusely at anyone and everyone hoping they don't think you are 'just a wierdo' picking at your inner ears - similar to others interpretations of one picking their nose).
With life-long compensations I have learned to read lips somewhat, to help aid in what I THINK you say but, generally only if people look at me when they are speaking. I become a single comedy act when I answer what I hear, compared to what you actually say... something that causes continuous and endless embarrassment but, I am learning just to laugh with you. (I will repeat the story of me 'setting myself up' to speak in front of a VERY large crowd during an International Lions Club Convention once, because my vanity got the better of me, OR the story of a night out on my birthday where two other friends and I were 'joined' by three guys in a lounge....HILARIOUS STUFF - especially for YOU, but I can laugh at them now after years of 'lesser offenses'). I still however, become afraid and anxious when I am in strange and different environments because the world as I know it is so much different than yours - so I predominately remain at home where I know I am safe... agoraphobia is NOT a fear of spiders! I have also been accused of 'YELLING' in Chat Rooms, however in my defense... I am a very vocal/verbal person - I have to be to some degree, because of my lack of hearing... my Capital Letters in a chat room are more for emphasis rather than my yelling - PLEASE, bear with me.
I do SEE your facial expressions and your animated body movements when you speak to me, or when I 'people-watch' out of curiosity. ( I did it again! ). I rely heavily on these requirements as they have become my own personal 'sign-language' device. I learned that I can SEE much and decipher what my ears lack and respond appropriately IF I am thoroughly paying attention and focusing on YOU only. (If Chocolate becomes part of the scene, please - no offense...but what did you just say?) I speak sign to my daughter and receive it in return. We learned through college classes where the Professor allowed her to join in on each of these $759.00 Classes that no resources would pay for within or through my disability rights - FOR FREE!- ASL 1 and ASL 2 - out of sheer compassion that a parent struggles with the hearing child/world as well as her child struggling with her parent's handicap (I will forever be grateful and am humbled by this generous offer - THANK YOU TIM MALLORY!). Much of our sign now is personal in nature, as we have become accustomed to our own language with each other. Rarely is there any activities for 'the Deaf or HOH' (Hard of Hearing) in my world... many find a community to move to or grow up in, which I cannot receive accommodations for due to minimal availabilities, so a lot of the 'real' sing language has been lost due to lack of use/requirement. (It took me forever to learn and remember that the thumb and pointer finger in the shape of an "L" on ones forehead means "LOSER!" - Not the sign for 'Latrine' and she had to go to the bathroom!). These handicaps are rarely recognized as true handicaps in our society, as most cannot see a mechanism hanging out of ones ear canal - especially with my habit of hiding them with flips and lengths of hair precariously placed promptly in front of each one of my ears at all times - I have two of them...ears AND hearing aides, that is.) Because of this non-visual handicap, most of Society have no clue that something is wrong with you - so they are not so skilled at dealing with what appears to be the seemingly 'LOSER' behaviors coming from the likes of me! I have also learned that American Sign Language (ASL) and some exchanges of International Sign Language (ISL) can be as foreign as China is to Botswana, even though I have never been to either (ask me about the sign for 'Do you want a glass of water?' and what the same sign means in Europe!). ESL (English as a Second Language) was a learning process as well... because I never heard the "F" in the word IF (I used to say 'ith') or the "TR" in the word TRUCK as a child - Which immediately got me a smack aside the head by my father because I said the dreaded "F-WORD" instead of the word for the vehicle he owned when I was little. Your lips do not move with each letter or group of letters in our alphabet, so I repeated what they sounded like to me. This was an endless catastrophic issue while growing up and learning to speak, with social skills and the occasional 'tripping up of the tongue' when my mind is going faster than my tongue and lipthhh can thpeak. (for my own defense, I grew up in Massachusetts - near the Bawstun area... we dun pronunce ah ahhs and we lose a lot of lettas while we tawk to you - have you evah tried to pahk yah caah in the Hahvah Yahd? It's impossible, unless you have clout somewhere and an infinity pass allowing such.
Although my eyes share space with contact lenses, they are a sense that work overtime to get through my days and become sore and dry by nightfall and slowly degenerate as I age (believe me, DDB! *DEAF, DUMB and BLIND, is a fear I reap on a continuous basis! - and I am Blond too - no insult intended for my fellow blond friends). I actually was given a tee-shirt (in jest by a loving friend) with the capital letter initials "DDB&B" printed on it, and had to discontinue wearing it because people stopped me in anonymous places asking me if I was somehow advertising on my own chest some form of 'single dating' statement in public - to say the least - it was mortifying and eventually it was retired in the form of a stuffed pillow that I use in my bedroom.
I can sometimes hear your car horn depending on where you are to me. If I am in my car with my overly LOUD radio on, singing to my hearts content a song I remember from the 'olden days' when I could hear better, and you are behind me - most likely your 'pay attention' blast will go unheeded, unless I look in my rear-view mirror (if your cute, I might linger a bit longer, only to cause you to BLAST your car horn at length because the light is about to turn red again!). Although sight/vision are a requirement for all (unless one is blind as Peggy's reiteration implies it's own accommodations for), it is one of the senses that has had to be accommodated as well. If I am walking and you sound your horn - my eyesight is the only indication that you are warning me. Calling me or talking to me from behind, or as you walk away can give you room for insults that will go unnoticed because I cannot SEE your face and lips (This is a great way to insult me, call me other than wonderful names and give me your two-cents worth... if you so choose -- because although I am quick for a verbal comeback, this behavior will elude me as easily as the sound of a storm approaching or squealing tires of a car behind me). Although I have used the term - SEEING with the 'eyes in the back of my head' , it NEVER worked with my daughter while she was growing up... she knew I was lying and 'called me' on it (no pun intended).
My sense of touch and feeling is overly-sensitive as it is another of the 5 senses that works double-duty to make up for the lack of ears - even though mechanical. I can feel rain when it pelts my face, even though I do not know what a gentle rainstorm sounds like. I have always wondered if one can 'hear the falling snow' too. I can FEEL emotionally when you cry and need someone to hold you...if you allow me to see your vulnerabilities. Because of this sense, I am hypersensitive to empathic situations that I miss unless you are yelling and screaming in anger - even my own (this statement can give way to a SIXTH Sense, but that is another story for another time). I can feel the downy feathers of a newborn duckling and the rough & silky textures of materials that make up my visual world. I can feel vibrations of my stereo and remember some lyrics to music that I learned when my hearing was better, -- although I will forever sing Marie Osmond's "TAKE THE ROSES!" and Creedence Clearwater Revival - "There;s a bathroom on the right!" - because, to ME - they still sound like that and I like those lyrics better than the originals that others profusely repeat to me on an endless basis trying to 'teach me' the real lyrics, yet STILL laugh when I sing it 'MY WAY!' (without the Elvis interpretation, mind you). I also have been told numerous times that I am extremely insightful and intelligent... I credit these strong points because I continually have to give undivided attention to everything surrounding me, else I physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and easily fall down - go boom.
My sense of smell is acute and allows me to sense danger of smoke, among other things. I can smell a burning campfire and can only dream of what crackling and snapping wood sounds like, as it slowly burns to embers on a cool night in the woods however -- trying to get too close so as to actually hear these crackling and snapping wood sounds leave much to be desired, as one side of my face would have shown you when I actually DID try to hear those snap, crackle, pops after numerous amounts of some alcoholic beverage at a tender young age non-parental camping trip with friends for the first time. (and yes, I have tried to hear the cereal - it's impossible!). I can smell an apple pie as it bakes in the oven, but will never know what it sounds like when it drops from its stem in the orchard where it grows. Sizzling bacon in a fry pan is never something that anyone should have the good grace to truly hear either, because not only does it have sound - but it hurts like HELL TOO! I know the scent of baby powder and chicken soup and my favorite perfume as well as the smell of gas at a station and walking barefoot in the grass where you allowed your dog to potty while you took a stroll and I just happen to stroll along your path and step in it.
Although I do not hear like you do... I am just like you in many ways and have grown accustomed to dirty looks, nasty comments and ignorance on you 'hearing people' in my life. I have had to learn that your patience can grow weary and thin just as mine can and can now say comfortably "It SOUNDED GOOD, whatever it is you said, but I am sorry I did not hear you!", with a smile and learned/forced confidence. I have learned to apologize, even though I have not done anything truly needing an apology for when I say 'I am sorry, I am Hard of Hearing and wear hearing aides, can you repeat that please?" and hope that you don't roll your eyes at me or become more angry at what appears to be my lack of paying attention or even what is misconstrued as MY ignorance. (place that "L" shape hand motion atop your forehead here again, if you choose - I NOW know and forever will remember what it means). I can react to others behaviors of clapping when a speaker announces MY Daughters Name at Graduation Ceremony - being so PROUD of her!, yet angry that I miss so much of the important pomp and circumstance that the celebration justly deserves and hope that she at least hears MY VOICE when I YELL, "WAY TO GO SWEETHEART!" at the top of my lungs... even if it is just a little late in the actual event of her receiving her diploma. (I will NEVER live this declared embarrassment down by her either, especially because I used her actual name and "OMG! MOM!" was repeated to me a gazillion times on that special day, and since then I have forever become the 'mother' that is only to be SEEN *in desperate times only* and NOT HEARD!) I remember being SO AFRAID of not keeping her in my sight to take showers, or sleep at night or even leave the room where she was playing, learning to do things or sleeping because 'WHAT IF' becomes to REAL to take a chance at. (Now, we cannot even be in the same room without her trying different and new released sign language tactics that are alien to me - which "is the point exactly - MOM! - Gawd, you just don't GET IT DO YOU?")....so much for teenagers and parents!
Which reminds me too...pardon my 'what appears to be yelling' or due loudness because I cannot hear my own voice when I speak, with the exception of what I assume might sound to you like a muffled voice speaking from under a tightly wrapped scarf or an echo from afar. So when I DO become angry, my voice... as does yours, becomes even louder due to the nature of the offense - yes, I might be screaming and hurt your ears with my high decibel crescendo but... I "can HEAR ME NOW!"
I do not know what I would do without my other 4 senses, (maybe even 5 - considering that 6 sense thing, I mentioned before) as they allow me to survive in our world as I know it - with a bit more work on my own behalf, a lot more patience and frustration and a learned sense of humor to cover up for my 'lack of'. I am grateful and humble in my indifference... as it has brought me closer to understanding what it means to lose something (even if I never had it) and survive - that so many take advantage of. I hope you will never know what it is truly like for 'unseen handicap' persons that intermingle in our daily lives, but if you do - I will consider giving you lessons of what I have learned...or at least my ESH.
Thank you for wonderful story Peggy... it has reminded me of a deep seeded resentment that I had succumbed to yet had to learn and re-learn how to overcome not only for myself, but for others in my personal world as well - along with all those new relationships in the future. The tears that were shod while reading it were heartfelt in my endeavors to 'fit in' as well as 'recover from' in my day to day existence.
I also Thank my HP for planting humor in my life, for without it - life would forever be monotone, muffled or silent and frustrating. On a last note, if perchance you and I actually meet someday - Please... forgive my boisterous voice and Say Hello! - only do it loudly, I am telling you ahead of time, "I am sorry, but I cannot hear you and I know repeating leaves much to be desired!"
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...He compared his weathered hand to mine and said, ... GROWTH OF THE MIND AND HEART are the best offers you can give.my Grandfather (Keeper of Stories), to me
Thanks for the share. You've overcome a lot and remind us all to be kind (and patient) to those with any kind of disability and to be grateful for the abilities we do have.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
And another thing you must know that though I am bionic in both ears it is mostly my eyes that I use to hear you with and understand that body language is a great deal the majority of communication than the spoken word. Besides as a child born within the disease of alcoholism and an enabler and fixer within my broken family I have learned to listen with my eyes for the truth rather than my ears which along with my computer are programmed to hear only a portion of what others do naturally.
Thanks Al-Anon and HP for teaching me compassion for those disabled in anyway for now I truely understand that compassion is a working model of love and love needs to be unconditional ever for those well meaning friends, associates, fellows and others who feel the need to explain to other speakers that I am deaf. LOL sometimes you do that while I am "getting it" without a hitch except for your attempts to save me. I appreciate your love and concern and might not get the message the second time around.
Being Bionically Hearing Impaired is not without its anxious moments like stepping into the shower and starting to wash my hair with the damned things still in my ears. "Slow down and thinK" works on the outside of the shower door and don't Over-React when the water courses over my head. Anxious still when the program commences to squawk like a radio in a lightening storm which no deaf person can ignore.
It's no less a miracle that my total hearing left me after years of membership in the Al-Anon Family Groups. I got here when I needed to by the grace of God and I heard as much as I needed within that short period of time in order to read the map and start the journey.
There has got to be humor in this life or else there is no hope. I too am deaf and it is not as serious a condition as I could make it. I have survived worse like a life time of alcoholism until the age of 37 which almost took my life inspite of me knowing it. I found the doors of the program by the grace of a God I had no understanding of who also was revealed to me by the membership. I too had better vision at that time. I've become vision impared also; one eye done fore the other one on the way out. Today BBDDK Blind as a Bat Deaf as a Door Knob says nothing about what I've been blessed to hear and see before this condition occured. I am blessed.
Can I hear you now Lacewing? I have for a while. You're as beautiful a butterfly that has ever crossed my eyesight and left the sound of a flutter in my ears. For that I am grateful
(((LW)), Thanks for your post. I had many giggles along the way of reading.
When I was young girl pre-teenish, my uncle was married to a deaf woman, Susan. I loved her completely and never saw her as lacking, but only she had more to share than others. She had this whole new language to share. She is one of the most loving people i have ever met.
My uncle is no longer married to her and has not been for many many years. I haven't had contact with her since right before their divorce. I love her still and will always cherish the memories I have of her.
I know very little ASL. But if you could see through my monitor to your. I have my right hand up with the thumb out laying flat. My pointer finger and pinky finger are standign up and my middle finger and ring finger are down. The sign for "I love you".
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I completely relate, I have lost 60-75% of my hearing. And hearing aids (as expensive as they are, are not always helpful. Not to mention, they kill my image, trying to look young and hip in my 40's!! haha)
I have often wondered what the purpose for it is. And since you brought it up, I never thought to apply the program. I am thinking of step 11, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and the power to carry that out.
For me, I'm learning, it's all about walking that spiritual path, learning more and more about love, whatever experiences come along. Loving myself, just as I am, and even the people who lose patience with me. It's really hard as a "codependent" whose self esteem relies on the acceptance of others, but I feel confident that HP has a master plan. This is another one of those things I have absolutely no control over, so it must be a perfect plan, that I am going deaf.
Yes, there are 5 human senses. And then, I believe in the spiritual sense, which I cannot lose, however I can deny it. And that's when I hurt myself.
I don't feel disabled. I feel differently-abled.
((((hugs))))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
My friend has been deaf since birth as well...I heard her mother had German measles when she was pregnant with her. She has manged to live a pretty good life. She has limitations like you from what I was able to read of your post. She also loves or at least I remember she loved it when she first got closed captions on her TV. Also she had TTY on her phone which was helpful as I understood. I am so glad you found the program. Hang in there!
