The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Two years ago I saw the ex A for the last time. I realise now that I have not really said goodbye to him metaphorically. I am still holding on with some issues like blame and rage and resentment. Now its about time to let go and move on. I believe he has been my reference point for so long. Now I have to find a new one.
I know there is no time anymore that I miss him or what our relationship became which was total chaos, fear and uncertainity. I also know that I still hold onto to the fact that if he did not melt down things might have been different. Regardless he never planned to get sober so there was always going to be some kind of nasty ending as I doubt he was capable of anything else.
I have to figure out a way to let go and just jump into moving on. Time for a new "record" rather than resenting him when I dip into sad places.
Thank you for sharing here. Your honesty is inspiring. I completely understand these sad places and feel as though I will never climb out of them. You're not alone and I am thinking of you and believe in your strength. Your recovery shines through in all of your posts and I have been reading them for quite sometime :)
I want to let go too... I think for me I have had so many horriffic relationships that when I found one that was almost "normal" with a person who treated me well when he was with me I just didn't want to let go. I am still sad. It's been months. I know exactly what you mean about him being your reference point. He is the one I compare any others to. I don't want to compare I want to give new people their own chance on their own merit and not how they compare to my glorified vision of him. I want to let go of the bitterness and pain that I have inside for him and remember the love and good times. I'm sure he never meant to hurt me he's just young and immature and couldn't handle things anymore. I want so much to forgive him for hurting me, I don't think I'm there yet.
I am only a week in to a similar situation and I fear how my emotions are going to play out. I have stopped calling him (only one day) and I feel like the way we ended it on the phone is not the way I would have another chance. I read him a very dear letter and wished him the best ending with a saying from Helen Keller. I emailed him that same letter knowing he probably would not check it for a long time, if ever. I wanted to end with "I love you" too but I knew I couldn't. I hope he knows I still do and will always have a place for him in my heart but I just couldn't say it because of my emotional rollercoaster state. People say it takes time and if they were going to accept your love and soft shoulder they would have taken advantage of it when they were still there with you but I know at that point he couldn't because of his state.
total chaos, fear and uncertainty. Ive never responded to anything from my AH since he left and feel anger but I also know that I dont have to live with those 3 awful things in my life....Its a relief, its just not forgotten yet.
Thank you for your post.. take your time, you will get there. Hugs Lillyx
I have to say while there were good times and even cherished moments my thoughts at the moment towards the ex A are far from charitable. I do know he was in a grips of many many issues. Nevertheless what he did was to try to bring so much of his incredible self destruction my way. I do notice that with other A's at certain points in their disease they promote chaos whereever they go. That's one reason I have to have hard and fast boundaries and even to just let go of those relationships if need be. My times of being devastated are over.
Marasie, my AH still tried to draw me into dramas even when he had left..many and various attempts to contact me, some nice some nasty, always manipulative, arrogant, patronising. I never have responded. But, I have taken a long time to even begin to stop the magical thinking as they call it...but some of his actions, so careless and damaging such as running up big debts using our address since he left have slowly peeled away my love and I am now just fearful of what he will do and simply wish he would vanish to be honest. I keep my head down but still i get angst. His ex called me the other day after being explicitly told never to do so, having had me in bits with her drunken phone call and telling me all sorts of things designed to turn the knife (she had waited 7 years for the opportunity) it all causes me stress...still i do nothing, that is except go and see a solicitor which i will be doing shortly. But right now, ive got an awful kidney infection which i thought was flu for a fortnight, so im in bed apart from this short spell and feeling that nothing matters more than me feeling well again, he isnt as much in my thoughts and i try to file him away if he pops up. I dont think im quite as strong as you are yet, im lucky I dont have to see him and the things i have found out are by my own hand and made me feel infinitely worse..so i leave it all alone now and just take the love and support of those who do care and dont demonise me as he did then quack about caring.... Take care Lilly x
I am so sorry to hear you are not well. I have definitely been processing this stuff for a long long time. I feel lost some days. I also feel stronger and more resolute that I will never give myself away again.
