The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't mean to double dip today, and but I have been writing and processing alot of things, talking to program peeps and other means of support.
My ABF is my drug. The anxiety I feel when I consider ending our relationship is because he is all of my good feelings.
He fills that hole within me. I've used him to try to make me WHOLE. He makes me feel comfortable with me. I have confused love and need.
But like the addict who does not get the same effect from drugs after prolonged usage and requires increasing amounts to maintain a HIGH - I have done the same. Everything that he was giving me emotionally was not enough.
I kept needing more and because I wasn't getting those good feelings in the same way I had in the past, I was dissatisfied with our relationship and believed a change in him would make me more attracted/fulfilled/happy.
I have been increasingly unhappy and self obsessed with thoughts of flagrant inadequacy and have been wading around in depression and self pity for quite some time. I was not satisfied even before this relapse occurred.
I have spent the better part of three months focusing on all his flaws - his health habits, his social behaviors, his education and life motives.
I love him, but I wanted him to be someone he wasn't, someone I was more comfortable with. I wanted him to be educated, to be doing something "successful" all for SELFISH reasons, because it would make ME feel better about ME.
(A-HA moment for Heather!!)
I wanted him to WANT to be super involved in NA. I wanted him to be accepting and program centered.
I was severely codependent and living in fear.
I was depressed and generally hating myself.
I was wrapped up in self obsession.
I was enmeshed and unhappy.
I did not know who I was or what I wanted with my life. I was looking for a change in someone else to complete me or to better my situation. I thought if only Billy could do something with his life, I would feel better.
I wasnt able to keep the focus on me.
I was looking at what he was doing and wondering if this relationship was what I wanted it to be. Focusing on THAT piece because I thought a change in him or our situation would make things different.
The other day a very dear friend sent me something that said "Everybody wants to feel better, but nobody wants to change."
I have baggage - a TON of it. I see the dark corners of HEATHER and am SCARED.
As I stated earlier - today I am willing to take whatever means and suggestions that are required in order to face my demons and learn to LIVE a life of honesty and self love. The reality is that I have NO idea how to take care of myself and meet my own emotional needs and validation.
TODAY I see where all of this pain was coming from. I was still treating Billy as my life line and it was enabling me to stay sick in my codependency.
He was my drug and I was enmeshed.
I NEED my program and recovery more than ever. I desire and am willing to work towards emotional sobriety - whatever it takes.
Very honest and moving post Heather.... some great self-reflection and awareness there.... you're doing great.... keep the focus on you, and your recovery...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I do think its incredibly hard to detach. I know for me personally it is day in day out tremendous work not to be sucked into any alcoholics mess. I admire your tenacity.
I feel the same as you do but I am hoping it just gets better. I always had this problem of being with him for the long run and now I feel if I stop calling or driving by his house somehow I am going to forgot all those good feelings. Thankfully, for the first day, even though it has only been a week since all this took place, I feel like I have accomplished something. I don't like the feeling but keep trying to remind myself that he needs to do this on his own and he needs to be the one to change. After almost 3 years you feel like you can't let go and I think that is what I am struggling with the most. I keep looking at our good memories together and long for those to continue. I have attended two al-anon meetings one prior to all this and one after the aftermath. I hope I find strength there to move forward (like my ex says) and have faith that he will be able to pick himself up again and live the life he used to have as a better person. I am scared and afraid as well as just keep telling everyone I want to feel better "now" and I hope that time comes soon. I don't want to admit that things are over and in the very back of mind tell myself everyday that I'll just let him move back and things will get back to the way they used to but the more I have time to think, I guess, the more confused I get. It is an whirlwind of emotions but I am hoping with support from these posts and al-anon I will get better each day. I just try to get mad at the disease.
