The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm scared to try to start a new relationship... Scared I don't know how to have a "normal" relationship where I don't become too attached. Scared I'll get my kids wrapped around some guy who will just run off again thus repeating the seemingly never ending cycle of men who abandon them. Scared that I'll go in too quickly and settle for less, and not sure how to actually "date" people without becoming exclusive immediately.
I totally trusted the last guy and it destroyed me. For the last two months it's as if I have stood still as time passed by around me. I feel awake and aware now but very very skittish. How do you trust yourself and someone else again without becoming over involved too quickly?
How do I maintain my own identity and not begin to form my life around someone elses? Why do I always feel like time is the enemy and that I want it all now and how can I grow the patience I need?
I want to attempt to "date" various people and NOT get overly attached. I feel like others expect that though to be exclusive immediately. Is this just my faulty thinking? Is this a "red flag"? I am so scared to be hurt this bad again I don't know how I can trust someone again.
I have been reading Al-Anon's new book "Opening Our Hearts Transforming Our Losses" and I highly recommend it to everyone. We all experience grief and loss on many levels in our life. Recognizing that what we are going through is grief and learning what to do about it is extremely beneficial in our recovery. My f2f group is starting a month long study of this wonderful book starting tomorrow night.
If we don't like where we are at, then it's time to do something about it. Educating ourselves about what is really going on in our lives and learning where to start next, is a great place to start.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I think its all about boundaries. I actually think its a great great thing you are at this place. That means you have self preservation in mind. Whatever you had to do to get there it is a great great point to be at. Many congratulations!
"How do I maintain my own identity and not begin to form my life around someone elses?"
Hi Carolinagirl,
With so many questions about yourself and so much fear, perhaps this is the time to dig even deeper into the 12 steps.
I am the common denominator in all my relationships. If I am not fearless with myself, honest with myself, and get to the place where I know what I want and what I am willing to accept and not...then I am not ready to face whatever the issue is that causes me to be doubtful and full of fear.
I am powerless outside of myself and my life becomes very unmanageable when I start to think differently. Trusting that my HP has a plan and becoming ready to try to learn what that plan is, learning who I am and why I am, sharing this all with someone else I trust and can learn from. Cleaning my slate from the past, and keeping it cleaned off as I go forward, all the while trying to grow in my connection to the will of my HP....that's what helps me to get to a place where I feel some peace and comfort. Sometimes I can even experience certainty that I am doing the right thing.
use your time to get to know yourself , work on becomming the person u want to attract , make a commitment to not involve the kids in your relationships until u have found the right one ,they just don' t need the hassle . Figure out who u want to be focus on your needs first , I have been told that our *Pickers are broken * we just keep picking the same kind of people over and over again . stop looking and voila they just seem to turn up when u least expect them . Hang in there , your gonna be fine . Louise
((((CG)))) Being a single parent also, I can understand exactly where you are coming from and it is no secret dating can be a nightmare. Trying to find the time away from the kids, so as not to involve them can be a chore in itself.
The key to it all, for me, I am finding, is that I just have to trust MYSELF and when my gut tells me to get out or that it's not right, I need to trust myself and do just that.
I actually had a great date Sat night, and it was great because it was just that-a date and I didnt toy with the possibility of it being anything more. We had fun, laughed and chatted but after that it's in HP's hands, not mine. I'm to beat to try to force my will anymore, and I am beating you are too.
Keep it simple girlfriend........Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I am definitely using my time to get to know myself, getting to the gym every night pretty much and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. The single parent thing is what makes this so hard. I have been talking a lot to my ex husband (the A) and we have gotten past our (well my) loathing and to a place where we are on friendly terms. I know he is hopeful of reuniting and I have told him repeatedly NEVER GONNA HAPPEN... of course you should never say never but that's where I'm at today and have been for several years. He is moving back to my area and I'm hopeful that he will be able to get a job and maintain some sanity so that he can actually be a help with the kids. Normal single moms have dads who take the kids every other weekend or here and there and other family members nearby to help out when that's not available. I have none of that. So yes, getting out of the house alone is a chore in itself - especially considering that I have decided that I need to spend more time with my kids and less time going out. I feel conflicted. I think my biggest problem is that I was SO sure about the last one and he was becoming a part of the family and I just don't want to do that again and I'm not sure how I can trust that the same thing will not happen again. There are no guarantees no matter how sure you are that they are "the one" or how many reassurances that they give you or how good they appear to be. The last one was very good and then changed overnight and vanished. I'm not sure how to talk about it with my kids, how to deal with issues around abandonment and people coming and going in our lives and change. How to handle my own pain so that it doesn't affect them. You can't be a great mom when you're depressed and hurting and in the beginning - right after the break up - it was awful for all of us. I wish I could have a damper for my emotions because it seems that they are either stronger than most or I don't know how to keep from showing them and letting them seep out into every area of my life. I want to not feel so much. Anyone know what I mean? or better yet how that's done?
use your time to get to know yourself , work on becomming the person u want to attract , make a commitment to not involve the kids in your relationships until u have found the right one ,they just don' t need the hassle . Figure out who u want to be focus on your needs first , I have been told that our *Pickers are broken * we just keep picking the same kind of people over and over again . stop looking and voila they just seem to turn up when u least expect them . Hang in there , your gonna be fine . Louise
I agree with Louise
I just kept hopping from one sick and needy relationship to another until I said "STOP" to me and got into me and my 4th step work and really made the commitment to get to know and love me and re-connect with my Higher Power whom I call God
I discovered that I was very needy - Looking outside of me for what my parents were just not capable or willing to give to me - So I attracted needy guys who would only let me down and abandon me when I would finally set a boundary - What is the point, starting a new relationship if I do not have a relationship with me?? And as to the kids?? I brought NOone around my daughters. That was the rule! No men around my kids to confused them and give them unstable messages.
Now I validate myself. Now I am becoming whole within myself and if there is a partner for me out there, I stand a chance of having someone who is whole within himself and there is a chance it could work. Its in HP's hands. If there is noone for me, then I look to do activities with friends and my family! My will never worked for me, so its time to give my will and life over to someone who is better qualified and who knows what is best for me - A man is not going to solve my problems - Only I can do that with serious recovery work and turning the outcome over to my Higher Power.
I realize that as humans we do long for connectedness with our Creator and other people, but why go through the pain, if I am not connected with me and HP first? Why keep repeating old sick and painful patterns because I have not "over hauled" me and my thought processes and behaviours? Why go through it over and over again? I am not going to! Yes it kind of hurts not having a partner to share with, but going it alone sure beats the alternative - Abuse, abandonment, pain, breakups, toxic relationships.
Just my experience and strength and hope
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thanks, I know this I just don't "feel" it yet. I am very social and like to be surrounded by other people. I know I am needy too I also know that my "qualifications" for a man in my life keep changing over time adding new ones in some areas, loosening up in others that are not as important the older I get. I wish I could not want to be in a realtionship so badly, I feel I don't have enough close friends, people come in and out of my life and as they get into relationships they disappear and others must be found. I am trying to spend more time with my kids and focus on being present for them but I keep finding myself drifting back to "looking" - shopping the singles sites for example. I feel like I'm out in public so seldom that my odds of coming across a decent guy are slim to none. I have a hard time having faith and being patient...
This is just my opinion- really. It is not the guy that you get attached to. It is any relationship is addictive for you: relationship addiction. Until you learn to have a comfortable relationship with your self it is best to learn to live alone until it dawns on you that living alone is not lonilness. Moments of loniness will come and go due to circumstances but in general you will not be lonely. When you learn who you really are and then have that comfortable relationship with yourself you will not be desparate to have a relationship. All you will need to do is go out iinto the world be busy and you meet someone else who like you as you will have become, be well centered person. You will not be "in love" but share in a space of Love, which is is God.
Please, this my opinion. So take what you need, if any, and leave what you do not need.
RICHARD
-- Edited by richard on Thursday 8th of October 2009 10:24:19 PM
we just keep picking the same kind of people over and over again . stop looking and voila they just seem to turn up when u least expect them . Hang in there , your gonna be fine . Louise
