The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I finally left the A father of my 10 mos. old child after six years. After watching him devolve into his old self so many times, and standing by him when he came to and decided to make changes and then fall again, I have left, moved out on my own and am living with friends and at my office.
Although it is painful to realize my house is gone, what I had of a relationship is gone and even some of my sanity is missing, I feel like this time I am really going to stay away and move on with my life.
He wants to see his son, but I don't think this is a good idea while he is still drinking, lying and trying to manipulate every situation to be my fault. The drinking would be enough. But he is angry and went off on me this morning because I do not see what "I" do to make our lives difficult, and how much of the bad in our life is my fault.
I agreed that I could use help communicating and would be more than willing to sit down with a mediator or a counselor to try and develop more healthy means of communication. He would rather just blame me and leave it at that.
I loved this man so much, and still feel a need to protect him from hurt, but now my love for myself has eclipsed this feeling. He accuses me of doing everything to "try and hurt him" while he can scream "I want to punch you!" at me over our 10 mos. old son. No thanks. Six years, even with its few bright spots, is enough for me.
We were living in a house his parents own, and although they know a little of his drinking and gambling problems, I have very gently and kindly let them know why I had to leave, stressing how much I love him, but that the environment for me and my son is toxic. He just told me how much I would regret my "lies" to them...
I know this may be tougher than a normal breakup but now I am committed. I am sick and tired of being the person he blames for every fight, every lie, every slip back into binge drinking. These are his choices, not mine, and I am willing to look at my own shortcomings and improve my life even if he is not.
Why does he accuse me of being calculating and manipulate with the end result to hurt him? I don't know. Maybe because my feelings have never been valid in this relationship. I have to stay strong in believing that I have loved him, and had compassion for him and have been there through tens of thousands of gambling debt and pissing on my bed and screaming at me while pregnant so bad I went into premature labor. Done.
Now, how to stop loving him? I am getting to a recovery meeting on Oct.5th and reading co-dependent no more, and getting back in counseling.
Thank you for the listen to my vent. I'm keeping my focus in my heart with my son.
. Maybe because my feelings have never been valid in this relationship. I have to stay strong in believing that I have loved him, and had compassion for him and have been there through tens of thousands of gambling debt and pissing on my bed and screaming at me while pregnant so bad I went into premature labor. Done.
Hi LoneWolfMama You arre absolutely right in your observations and thank you for your honest heartfelt share. Please continue to take care of yourself.
Remember we are powerless over this disease. Focus on yourself and your son.
I know I doubted my reality so often while living in an alcoholic marriage. You are not alone Come here, go to meetings, vent, pray and live one day at a time.
It is the disease talking, not him. We cannot control if people believe him or not. I know that hurts so much too.The people who know and love you will know what it true and what is not.
He is not invisible, people will catch on to his disease.
I felt like you, I wanted to not love him so badly. But my esh is, I loved the boy at 17 and I love the man now at 56. I love him as a person, as my sons father, as who he used to be. The longing is now gone. But a peaceful, kind feeling remains of serenity about my love for him.
I detached from the disease, and love my AH. I have chosen to not ever go back with him.
Fighting what was real, just made me more upset. When I accepted my feelings, it was so nice. I don't hate him, I hate the disease.
lonewm, It could be the brain tumor surgery or him being an active A, does not matter. A horrible situation made it so I cannot live with him. We don't have to stop loving them. My heart has a special place for him.
It's been 7 years, and I feel healed in so many ways. I have felt a great love for another man. It is very early in that feeling. But I know I would rather be with my manfriend as it is now, than ever go back with A.
It will get better, as long as you keep doing what you are. Good for you!! One foot in front of the other.
Ya know another thing is, when I went to people he bad mouthed me to, I never put him down. I said what my heart felt. I was so sad he was sick. Just was myself. I never put him down to anyone, especially not the kids.People will see your love and grieving.
You have a broken heart. If you find yourself crying getting groceries or paying a bill etc. What I did when people asked what was wrong, I shared I have a broken heart. Everyone understands that.
Be good to you, you are suffering a million losses. Like I have said before, even where you toothbrush goes now is new. So many losses we don't think about.
Believe me, my kids did sooooo much better when I tossed him a long time ago too.
Keep coming, chat room helps so much too! love,debilyn
Just want to say welcome......you are quite rightly feeling vunerable, ((((hugs)))) but your strength and awareness shine through in your post....thank you for sharing.
My daughter has recently ended her marriage of 4 years, her husband is an A and also her brother...she has a 2yr old. I joined alanon in January when I hit rock bottom with my son's alcoholism and while my daughter is not in Alanon she is in receipt by osmosis!!! I know she sees the change in me and is applying some of my alanon tools on her own journey of recovery and she is doing ok...she now has to sell her old home and will struggle with the change..... emotionally and financially....but she is no longer abused and I watch her growing and flourishing every day as she leaves the fear of that behind.
I know for me the day I found MIP was the day I was no longer alone in my struggle and these good folk here suggested finding a face to face meeting which I now attend every week......each day I am getting stronger.
I hope you keep coming back...there's lots of experience strength and hope shared here and I'm sure your meeting will provide the same and more.
I can relate to your post. I left in May. It's hard, but in a way I have this sense or peace and serenity. Your whole post is something I could have written.
You wrote:
Now, how to stop loving him? I am getting to a recovery meeting on Oct.5th and reading co-dependent no more, and getting back in counseling.
It is hard and I don't think you can just stop. I still love my A very much, but I know if I were to go back it would be the same. I am in recovery and he isn't and that is just something I can't deal with right now.
Just maybe ONE day he will quit and go to AA, but until that day comes I am fixing myself, learning to love myself and doing things for me and my kids and I no longer have time to worry about him or try to help him. He has to do it on his own.
Your doing good! I hope you keep coming back!
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Aloha LWM...I relate to your vent as it comes close to some of my earlier classics when I got here. I have been told that all of the power my alcoholic had over me I gave her and about that I had to learn. I also had to learn every thing I could about alcoholism and other addiction (including my own because they helped get me here) and what the consequences are for trying to live within them while not understanding powerlessness. Gaaaack!! she was sick...Double Gaaaack!! so was I and the only one I could hope to help heal was myself. Having a power greater than Jerry F is primary because It gives me someone I can turn to to help me change me while I get invitations to change what I cannot.
Glad you made it here and hope you keep coming back often. All of the suggestions regarding going to face to face meetings and the literature and sponsorship and HP and all ...works when you work it. I'm in support...(((((hugs)))))
I understand, (((((hugs))))) You have shown so much courage. In the seriniy prayer is says grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Things may be hard and uncertain but trust your HP to lead the way. I'm in an alcoholic marriage and your story has played a thousand times in my head. I just don't have the courage, but that does not stop me from working my program. Sending Strength,Hope I can not offer experence in this area at this time.
Thank you for the thoughts. You all have no idea how much strength it gives someone to finally be validated! Oh, wait, maybe you do~!
It has been three days now and we talked yesterday. He was apologetic and sounded sad. Also said he wanted us to come home. It is so hard but I said no. And right now I want to just to feel "normal" again, but I am not.
It's like debilyn said, everyone I talk to sees only my sadness and grief, and my lost love for him. I am incapable of saying anything bad about him, I wish we could have had the dream of a life we always envisioned in the good times as a family.
