The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know this latest catastrophe with the stolen check has made me have to look at how I live. I simply can't go around in a sea of resentment anymore. At the same time, my boundaries need a lot of reinforcement and work.
I also know that I have to learn to make the best of what I have. There is no question these holidays are going to be gruelling on many levels. I am not going to launch myself into a sea of people pleasing and simply don't have the time, energy or even the option of volunteering. I have too many projects and too much to do. I could recede into my normal self pity but I know where that gets me.
There are moments when I can tread lightly like for instance in dealing with new acquaitances who don't measure up to what I crave and need. I can let go lightly and wish them well rather than go into a rant of obsession.
Nevertheless I am dealing with many many challenges, health wise, space wise, logistics wise and resources wise. Normally I would go into denial and paralysis and launch into a fantasy of being rescued. I am going to have to rescue myself out of this one and I don't much like it. At the same time I absolutely recognize where being prepared to turn my whole life over to an active alcoholic got me, right here and now.
I want to tread lightly but I feel like the resentments and problems overwhelm me regularly. I would hope that recognizing that I fall down so regularly will help me get to a space of not being in the two steps forwards, ten steps back mode.
Ouch!! I remember those pre "Let it go" days myself and kept on practicing. I learned the attitude that nothing in this whole world is worth my serenity and now I practice that. Accepting where I am right at the moment and that it is all temporary as I continue to practice the program of recovery is a great mind set for me. It is also very true. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I so relate to wanting to be rescued! I have found that the thought or "idea" that I have to be happy alone first before I can be happy with someone else is there but putting into action is very difficult for me. I also feel like this last relationship sucked me back into a pattern of dependency on someone else. It took having my heart broken to realize it. It's taken me two months of agony and misery to see that maybe it's for the best and that I really need to do some things for myself.
I don't think it is that I need to do more for myself. I do it all at the moment. I just find it very very hard going. I had the illusion the ex A helped for years, instead he only made everything so much worse. I held onto that illusion like it was a life raft when it was in fact drowing me.
