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I am five months pregnant and the baby's father is an alcoholic. We had ended our relationship over his drinking (and related behaviors) prior to my learning of the pregnancy. Upon learning about it, we reunited. At the time, he had talked to his doctor about getting on medication to help control his drinking, but after getting a clean bill of health, he decided that the medication had too many side effects and decided that his drinking was not that harmful. He usually begins drinking around 10:00 or 11:00 a.m. and drink until he passes out. I have found him passed out with a lit cigarette in his lap, a pot burning on the stove, etc. He did get violent about one year ago, but that has not happened again.
He wants to be in the baby's life, but does not want to change his behavior. I explained to him that I want him in my life and I want him to be 100% involved with the baby, but that I can allow the baby to be brought up in an environment where he is exposed to his father getting drunk to the point of incapacitation every weekend. He has accused me of trying to tell him what to do, tryng to censor him, and trying to use the baby against him. I told him that I was not trying to tell him what to do, that it is his choice to continue drinking, but I can't have the baby around it. I asked him how he could possibly think such behavior is acceptable around a child.
I have an excellent job and do not require anything from this man. He says he can only possibly contribute $150/month anyway.
At any rate, I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. I certainly can't expose the baby to this kind of life, but at the same time I am wondering what damage I will be doing to my child if I choose to keep him away from his father.
Anyway, any advice offered would be appreciated. Thank you.
I will share with you my experience in having a child with an alcoholic, and a sober one at that.
I was barely into my own recovery from alcoholism (a little over a year sober) when I met a guy at an AA dance. He was 13 years sober, and was I ever impressed.
We started dating, and I ended up pregnant a few short months later.
The difference in his attitudes/behaviors was like night and day when I told him I was pregnant.
We no longer went places together. I had to go see him instead of him coming to see me (we lived 35 miles apart.
Finally, at 5 months pregnant, I decided to put the cards on the table. Mind you, I was no longer interested in any sort of romantic relationship with the man. I asked if he was interested in being a part of this baby's life or not.
He said "If it's mine, sure." I was livid!
That was enough for me. I had go through paternity testing when my daughter was 6 months old (that was back when they still had to draw blood for paternity testing) and get the courts to help with establishing child support.
He didn't even know what her name was, or when she was born until he was served court papers. He just flat out didn't care.
He made a brief attempt to establish a relationship with her when she was 8 years old. That lasted a year and trickled off to squat after that.
The man is now 34+ years sober, extremely active in AA, is a swell guy to all his AA buddies, but his parenting responsibilities never ever matured in sobriety. He wasn't there for his first set of kids when he was drinking (he is 20 years older than me), and he sure wasn't there for my daughter in his sobriety.
My daughter is now 21 years old, we have a good relationship, and she knows who was there for her growing up, and it wasn't him.
It is possible to be a good parent without the other parent in the child's life.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Thank you so much. A lot of that does sound very familiar. I guess that I jave wanted to give him every chance to step-up, but at the same time I see where this is going. I am so happy about this baby. He was a complete surprise. I had ovarian cancer several years ago and had accepted the fact that I was not going to have children. Right alongside my joy is so much guilt that I might not make the right decisions. I wish that he could come into a perfect situation:)
A's get very jealous when a womans attention goes to the baby or kids or anyone.
We change when we have a child, we become super protective, we usually don't have an interest in sex for awhile and more.
My esh is, my daughter was in your exact place. She came from a very healthy home. No cussing or anything.
So they move in together. She had a horrible birthing. Ended up with this horrible headache.
She had to lay on her back to get the site to heal where they gave her a spinal thing. He was horrible. Left her alone for hours with a newborn and she could not get up.
Anyway he comes home mad, drunk, loaded on drugs. She gets up to take the baby and leave, he pushed her to the floor!!! She yelled at him to leave her alone she was leaving. He grabs her and Sprout! Won't let her go. She finally gets out and runs to the neighbors.
She pressed charges, the state moved her to another city! He can only have supervised visits. No child support.
When she introd him to me. I took him in the hall, told him if he ever hurt her, think about what a mother bear would do to him. And my rath would be MUCH worse.
He is scared to death of me and Rains brother. We were ready to do him some damage. But vengence is not ours. That is HP's job.
He does not pull this stuff anymore. But he has the potential.
My daughter is tough. I don't mean like a loser, she has her 5 year degree in Fine Arts. Taught at U of O. She gets any career she wants. She is now doing organic child care for doctors and make a lot of money.
She puts up with zero from the father.
Anway that is what I saw happen with my dear daughter and my grandson Sprout. (Noah Oryan)
Myself, I would never allow an A to live with me who has shown the behaviors he has. But that is me.
Hey when he is sorta sober, I invite you to ask him "Woulld you want me to leave the baby with a yelling, aggressive, abusive drunk babysitter?"
You are doing some great thinking. Keep coming! love,debilyn
-- Edited by debilyn on Sunday 27th of September 2009 11:29:17 AM
I stayed with my A (now sober) for numerous reasons. I deflected my sons pain as much as possible when he was little. All the broken promises to him, the looking out the window, waiting for Dad etc. As he grew I had to be honest so he could be safe. He was told never to get in the car if he thought he had been drinking. I couldn't allow weekend camping trips. I tried one time and the A hit a tree in the campground with my son in the truck bed. It could have killed him.
My son is 19. Last year he went hunting with his Dad. It was the first week in his entire life that he was able to be with his Dad alone and sober. My son also saw the horror his Dad endured while detoxing in the hospital. Due to that, and his big heart, he is able to forgive his Dad and move forward.
One sentence did strike me funny in your post (in a Alanon kind of way). It was that he decided the medication had too many side effects. That is so ridiculous and also nothing more then a justification to allow his disease to live on.
The side effects of his drinking are much greater then any med could ever be!! To his child, YOU, friends, family, the possibility of DUI's, jail, harming others, the lonliness, the list is infinate. Let alone the distruction of his own mind and body.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. The only way out is to stop drinking. The other alternatives are insanity or death. And he's worried about the meds?
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you so much. A lot of that does sound very familiar. I guess that I jave wanted to give him every chance to step-up, but at the same time I see where this is going. I am so happy about this baby. He was a complete surprise. I had ovarian cancer several years ago and had accepted the fact that I was not going to have children. Right alongside my joy is so much guilt that I might not make the right decisions. I wish that he could come into a perfect situation:)
My youngest daughter was a complete surprise too. I had a 10 year old daughter at the time, and had had so many female health issues, I was told I'd probably never have any more children.
Try to stay in the moment and not get into tomorrow. Enjoy the beautiful gift that God has given you!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
If I were you, I would take getting pregnant as a sign and move on with your life without him. If someday he finds you and is in recovery and you can confirm it you can introduce your child to him as a father. I would say if you have already ended the relationship you should move on with your child and be thankful to have him out of your life.
