The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi. I'm Lori. I've been reading on here for several weeks now and have attended local meetings for about the same time. I have an AH and am thinking of moving out. He hasn't drank in several weeks after a horrible evening of fighting but is definetly in the dry drunk stages. He's miserable and surly to be around, does not have a HP and is not getting any help. I have two young sons (3and 4) who just started pre-K so I have some time to myself and have just been thinking of what I (and my kids) need. I feel pretty positive about the future if I move out, but hope I have the guts to do it. We've been together for 19 years this fall but there is just not much that he offers me anymore that feels good for me. I just pray that my HP can give me strength for my sons and lead me towards the right path. Thanks for listening.
((((Lori))) to you.. I am new here also. I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story. Sounds like you are looking after yourself and your sons first. After just a a few days I have found much relief from reading other people's experiences on this message board and attending a few meetings. I am glad I am not alone. Take care Lori.. Thanks again!
Thanks for sharing your experience and strength. Alanon suggests that we make no major changes to our lives for the first 6 months in program.
The reason for this is that alanon provides successful tools that helpes us to gain clarity and wisdom on our life and situation.
These tools enabled me to see different choices for myself and family and to make different decisions for my life
We have meetings here 2xs a day and a chat room open 24/7 Also look up Alanon Face to Face meetings in the white pages of the Tel. Book These meetings and the people in them literally saved my life.
I think the advice you have gotten is good. If you make a move, let it be to take care of yourself (and that includes your family). Do you love your husband? Is he abusive to you? Abusive to the boys? Verbally? Emotionally? Does he give you what you need, generally?
Not all A's are that way. My STBAH doesn't have a mean streak at all. I could not be with him if he did. Or if he was a cheater, or a liar, or gambler... or... really, his addiction to pot and porn is PLENTY for me. I actually feel like it could even be a cake walk now that I've joined Al Anon. Well, maybe not a CAKE walk..!
The hard part of this program is that it has gotten me to look at my programing. I was married before to an abusive jerk who was sometimes drunk and sometimes he wasn't. Didn't matter, the Jerk in him didn't change much. I couldn't tolerate walking on egg shells and I didn't have a program I could join that would help me see a way in dealing with him. After being injured enough times, I suppose I realized that the abuse was just going to get worse. That is the way it generally goes with abusers. And even if they aren't physical, if they are demeaning, blaming, manipulative or cruel... well, who wants to live with someone like that?
KNowing what Al anon has done for me now, I think that maybe if I had gone to Al anon in that marriage it might have helped-- if nothing else then for me to feel better. But I had to get the resolve toleave him. IN an abusive relationship, there is no choice BUT. IT's what is best for everyone. To leave, and make a clean get away and go hide/be hard to find.
You sound like you maybe beleive you need to leave him becuase he is an alcoholic and a poor dry drunk. I thought too that STBAH and I were not going to work out because of his addictions, but I'm finding through Al Anon that this is not like being with a mean person. It's more like being with someone with an illness.
I know you asked for strength to leave him.... 19 years, and your boys are only 3 and 4. that means you had 15 years without kids together... what held you together all those years? I have heard it said that "If it's ever been good, it can be again. But if it never really was good, then it isn't going to start now."
If the drinking/dry drunk syndrome is just the icing on the cake to a relationship that was never good to start off with... well, then that changes things too, I would think.
I'd look into counseling for you both, I'd do my best to take care of myself (Al Anon is a part of this), and I'd ask for what I need from him, and look for progress.
