The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I actually began this train of thought in another post and am re-pasting here to jump start this one as I am eager to receive other's E,S&H on the topic.
I have found that Alanon gives me back the tool to EXPERIENCE and live in the present. I cannot explain WHY but, it seems my entire life has been a series of attemps to numb the perpetual pain I've felt of just BEING RunnerChick. I have ALWAYS felt I was made as 'less than' and so I MUST always expect to receive LESS THAN and must always be vigilant and on guard to life's curve balls as they would SURELY come my way. I would limit my dreams because I belived I didn't DESERVE them and would remain in unhealthy places because I felt it was my birthright.
Slowly, I know that this program - WHEN I WORK it, has the power to allow me to experience LIFE again. That part of me that I SHUT OFF - that connection to the self, that could feel the crisp breeze and take in the beauty of flowers and mountains is STILL fighting to get out. I would look at gorgeous sunsets and other breathtaking scenes and feel NOTHING. I would PRAY for some sort of emotional reaction to all that was around me. I would PRAY to feel it in my bones and be able to experience instead of having the perpetual void/numbness.
This feeling of being numb, devoid of feeling or emotion for something so incredibly beautiful would leave me so depressed and hopeless. I am interested in hearing other's experiences as to how they learned to become alive again?? I am familiar with the feelings of shame, insecurity, worry, anxiety, furstration, anger -- they are EASY to experience and have become the norm. They seem to HEDGE the bad things in life. There is ALMOST a part of me that has never allowed myself to break the numbness for fear that if I did experience peace and serenity, that it would be taken from me instantly because who would have EVER thought I deserved relief?? I'm not sure that this makes any logical sense but, in MY diseased mind it has been the bible for many years. TODAY, I know these are lies and are MY disease BUT, it often doesn't feel as though the concepts are changing as I would have liked and some moments I struggle with hope, fearing they never will.
I look forward to hearing how others have been able to break this hard outer shell.
First thank you, for a GREAT share and a post that gets my mind to thinking-I need that from time to time-lol.
Much like you, I struggle daily to overcome the numbness that has become sooo very much a part of who I am today, and I do struggle still but it is less and less. I have been called cold hearted and numb in the past and used to laugh it off-of course if I wasn't numb that might hurt right? My feelings on it were for me is has always been a CONSTANT, a feeling I could count on to be there for me when so many others weren't. It became like a safety net for me, a protective shield that no one could get through, and I felt, at the time, that was what I wanted and needed. How dare I wish for anything for myself, or anything more? When so many times I came close it was just taken from me again and again....I got to where I didn't want to take that chance.....
Today, thanks to many folks here, and AlAnon, I am progressing and feeling for the first time in YEARS.....It is scarey and sometimes it just plain sucks but I FEEL it and I didn't think I would be able to do that ever again, and after break up last year with EXABF I was sure I didn't want to do it again.
For me it has gotten better simply by continuing to work the program. I can feel the sunset and the rain on my face, and be in total awe of my HP and His ability to provide me with all of these new firsts and I know I am truly right where I am meant to be..... Keep it simple.......it will come in time...... shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
