The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tomorrow is our 10-year wedding anniversary. With the way things have been going, I haven't felt like celebrating (I haven't even gotten him a card). The past 2 days have been pure hell with his drinking and selfishness, and I'm ready to walk out the door. Heck, if it weren't for the fact that he's leaving for his 4-day assessment ($8,000 later) in Tucson on Saturday, I would definitely be out of here because he's really getting on my last nerve.
Here's the problem. He went to Walmart today and I noticed that he got me a card. I asked a program friend and she thinks I should get him a card. My sister (who is not in program) thinks he doesn't deserve a card. And my Dad thinks I should make one since money is tight right now.
My heart isn't in this and I'd only be faking it if I bought him one or made him one. Any suggestions?
Aloha NM...under the consequences are both you and he doing the best you can with what you got? Is it only you who are suffered as a consequence of the disease? I got questions no suggestions. You just reminded me that I could have done better by my spouse for our 15th anniversary. I appreciate that. (((((hugs)))))
PS...took my spouse out for ice cream to recelebrate the 15th anniversary again. It was nice...and she paid...how's that one?
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 18th of September 2009 02:16:17 AM
Buy him a funny card if your heart isnt into the lovey dovey stuff , will give him one less thing to complain about . and yu one less thing to feel guilty about . Buy it with the thought that he is going to be away for 4 days and u can breathe again .
I realize this post may be too late, but I suggest you just BE WHERE YOU ARE!! If you cannot give a card this year with sincerity, that's the reality of it. Acceptance. And, it's okay.
Another filter you can run it through: "What can you do with the least amount of regret?
Will you regret it more if he hands you a card and you have nothing for him?
Or, will you regret it more if you hand him a card with a resentment (if that's the case.)
Either way, it's okay.
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 18th of September 2009 07:53:04 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I decided to make a card. Inside I wrote: 10 years of happy and sad 10 years of good and bad 10 years of joy and sorrow 10 years today and 10 more tomorrow?
Then I wrote: Let's hope we can make the best of our bad situation. Love, Me
I agree with Jerry and abbyal. I have had the same feelings in the past and what I told myself that made me feel better was that I was giving the gift or the card to my wife, not the disease. That way I was able to put myself in her shoes, thanks to Al-Anon, and it reminded me once again it is the disease that I hate not my alocholic.
I don't know that anyone can should you. I know the ex A could turn on the sentimentality when he wanted something. I know it always worked and he knew how to play that button very well.
I totally agree with Abby, one less thing to feel guilty about and 4 days of peace of mind...wow.
Guilt is a horrible thing it can tear us up inside and not let us thing clearly...he is still here where there is life there is hope...and maybe just maybe by the grace of God he will get it.....
Hoping you have a peaceful anniversary and 4 days filled with peace.....
I think I would ask me what are my motives of getting him a card? Duty? Obligation? Get one because he got one and i don't want to look like the bad guy? and if I did will I be full of resentment?
Or if I do not get him a card, is it to "blackmail" him to do "better"? Is it a "back at ya for hurting me? Or is it just I don't want to do it? And if it is #3, I would really take a hard look at this relationship and see whether or not I want to accept him as he is or leave! There is no changing one with this powerful disease! We can only change us!
Sorry for the questions rather than ESH, but here is another for you! What would you tell your daughter if she presented this case to you and she was the one in this spot?
I never was good at doing stuff I did not want to and keeping the cheerful face and chucking the resentment, so I stopped!
I hope , whatever you do, that you focus on you and your needs and what is best for you!
Anniversaries should be happy! So many of mine were not! I ended up giving up and leaving! Not to punish him, but to take care of me! I just got up one morning and decided that I wanted better out of life and was sick of the chaos, broken dates and promises, the drama and heart break and his relapses and his lack of working in the program! I pray for him all the time, but I just could not do it anymore! When we split, I got into alanon so I would not repeat the same old sickness in me! I wanted a better life! No matter what I had to do! No matter what I had to sacrifice for me, the ultimate best for me is what I sought!
Bless your heart! I am so sorry you are in this situation! May HP put his arms around you and guide you to his good plan for you!
Neshema
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
