The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Lately I've been beginning to see it was the fantasy of the way the ex A might be (which was actually a whole illusion at the beginning of the relationship that held me in thrall. The issue wasn't his behavior which was incredibly self destructive and alienating. The issue was my holding onto this fantasy that he would be the be-all and end all for me that I insisted on holding onto till I was bankrupt and absolutely totally exhausted. Even after all this my idea of a relationship is "rescue" all consuming, all enveloping and nothing short of total disaster. I can see my part in it was never being able to be responsible for my thoughts, fantasies and ideas. I projectd all responsibility on him and became a "victim".
Then I sulked because I did not get what I wanted.
I should say while I am very aware in my current condition what these fantasies has cost me I still don't like reality one bit! If I could have my fantasy without such incredible pain I would stick with that at all costs. Talk about very ill and not able to be in reality for one second. And I used to call the ex A full of denial!
Your post reminds me of something I heard for the first time just last night. At a meeting someone said, through al-anon, we become sober too.... S O B E R - Son Ofa B**** Everything Is Real. Boy, isn't that the truth! Yep, no more fantasy...
Hang in there,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I can SOOOO relate to this - more than I can even convey. I love the S.O.B.E.R. just listed above! Classic!
I was very very attached to my vision of what my A and I could be. I was so in love with his potential and so very removed from reality. It was ok because I was sick in my head and I believed I needed someone to love me to make me whole or worthy. If there was a beautiful sunset and I viewed it alone, it didn't feel as though it existed. I couldn't have experiences without another person validating them. The biggest part of grief with my A was suffering the loss of the dream - the loss of what could have been. What inspires me about your post is that while you DON'T like the realizations and they SUCK - you are willing to own your part and THAT is recovery.
I know for me its a little more complicated than the Cinderella complex. I am certainly not in love with someone's potential, rather obessed with them doing things for me that I feel I can never get otherwise.
I had some idea I projected but considered it kind of tame rather than the lethal action it is for me.
