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After this past weekend and break up with bf, and at the advice of a very wise lady (thanks TLC) I decided to give some thought to my part in this relationship.
It was quite easy to point out all the character faults that the exbf had, even easier when we are hurt and angry, but I needed to look at MY part in the relationship.
First of all I strayed from the program, I wasn't putting as much quality time into working the program as I normally like, and obviously it showed in the end results. The only time I really put into it WHOLEHEARTEDLY in the two months exbf and I dated was the weekend I blew him off. That weekend I actually spent one whole afternoon in bed with all my dailys etc, and felt like the old me the next day.
I let my focus stray. The focus has to be on me at all times and my recovery. I started to slip back into the role of "beck and call girl" by trying to overextend myself to spend more time with him and his children and I was resenting it and him.
I saw "red flags" within the first 4-5 weeks and continued to date this man, even though my gut told me it was not the right move to make.
I slipped into the codies again-when I left his house Sat night, I was sad and crying but I was RELEAVED because I KNEW it wasn't working and couldn't. And I had this overwelmingly huge sense of relief. Had I been the old me and willing to be controlled and bossed around maybe then we could have made it, but I just couldn't, can't and won't sit there anymore, with anyone, with my mouth shut like a good little codie.
I actually wanted him back on Monday and I could NOT give you one good reason why-other than the fact that he ended things before I "officially" could and I wanted that for myself......Codie again, yeppers.....lots of codie in me:) Thank HP that that urge to control and obsess was short lived and over in a 24 hr period.
So I've looked at my part in things, can see where I didn't do what I should have done and have seen the end results of my slip. I have felt the hurt and the disappointment, and it sucked but I'm letting it go now and trusting that something was being worked out within me during this past relationship and that it was a lesson learned not to be repeated:)
I've put down the magnifying glass and picked up the mirror.......Who is this new and improved woman grinning back at me??????:)
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Often times I can identify on not knowing what the "right" thing to do is and also being hard on myself at the same time. It seems you learned a great deal from your experience and that is wonderful! You have more insight into what happened so you can make better choices when put in that situation again. Try not to be so hard on yourself as it seems you made great progress!
-- Edited by MyThoughts2U2 on Thursday 17th of September 2009 11:11:42 AM
I"m envious of your one day, I have spent nearly two months. Well the first two weeks I was lost and didnt' know what was going on. The next five I spent trying to figure out how to get him back... Still I have pangs of missing him or at least missing the dreams I had of what was to come... Of course I think the end result of all my suffering (the 90 day regimen) is going to change my life forever. Thank you to him for knocking me down so low that I had to rebuild myself! He made me see me and my part and what I can and can't change!!!
Good for you. I am at a place where I no longer "rush in".
I hope to be able to date someday but I know I am not ready for it yet.
Maresie.
Dear Maresie
I am in the same boat! Recovery going on eight years and even though I have not met anyone really promising, it kind of scares this little "codie" that am I going to repeat old patterns or will I get someone healthy this time! A good barometer would be if I am not so "comfortable" with him, maybe that will be a good sign! The old comfort zone only brought to me misery and breakups!
I am going to trust in my HP that if there is someone out there for me, that he only brings it to me when it is right and according to his plan for me! Or, maybe I can just find friends to share things with. I have turned it all over and I just strive to work on me on a daily basis!
Shelly, I can relate to your post. I have been in those unhealthy relationships as a "codie" myself and even though I knew the guy was wrong for me, it was hard and he had to hurt me for me to see that I am not going to stay! I wasted a lot of good years on bad relationships. My prayer is that either I find someone healthy or I just don't care anymore and can enjoy life with myself and some really good close friends!
Take care,
Neshema
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
