The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH went for about a month without drinking (that I know of). Our agreement was that he would see recovery and I would hold off on filing for divorce for 90 days, then we'd see where we were at that time.
To the best of my knowledge, he never contacted anyone from AA and went to maybe one or two counseling sessions.
The verbal abuse stopped at least the outright ugly name calling did for a time. Right now the funky talk is not directed at me, but toward our 18 year old son mainly complaining to me about how immature he is, how he doesnt' get it, etc Hmm - "don't look at me, look at him..." perhaps?
After being out of pocket for the better part of nearly two weeks, he came home this past Saturday. Since then, I *thought* I caught a couple of whiffs of alcohol. In addition, my sleep pattern has been totally disrupted with him being home. He started showing signs of having a bug - fever, chills, aches on Saturday, so I attributed his restlessness during the night to that for a couple of days.
Last night was the kicker though. He came to bed at about 1am, waking me up in the process, talking to himself, slurred speech, wanting to carry on a conversation with me about our older son drinking behavior, in other words. I finally got up and went to another bedroom at about 4am. So, needless to say, I'm tired and a bit resentful today. I can't say Im completely surprised, but I ran across the glass he was using last night (Ok, you got me, I looked for it because last night was just TOO familiar) was compelled to sniff it sure enough, it reeked of bourbon. He obviously isn't ready for recovery.
So I'm dusting off Plan B, although heaven knows I'm tempted to just pack up the kid right now and split, my gut says to proceed in a more rational manner.
Ugh.
Thanks in advance for your ESH.
-- Edited by blender_girl on Wednesday 16th of September 2009 07:46:49 PM
For me when I suspected it I was usually right....thrust our instincts I guess we should know we have become conditioned.
I am sorry for what you are going thru....I remember that constant nagging....Sometimes I would just go outside for a walk anything....I know you can't do this in the middle of the night.....
I will be praying for you and your family......Keep working your program....you have to stay healthy for you....as for him hey as you know...it is all on him.....
ahh blender , making a deal with a practicing alcoholic is so futile , i am sure they mean what they promise but this disease just wont let go . Accept that he is going to do what alcoholics do , Drink . Lower your expectations and keep the focus on your own recovery. every time we believe a lie or promise we set our selves up for dissapointment . and we do it over and over again expecting that this time it will be different . well it is , its worse . Remember an alcoholic will say and do anything to get us off t hier back . If you have an odat , try page on july 14th that page had everthing I needed to know about mypart in this mess . that page and the detachment pamphlet literaly changed my life . Louise I never sniffed glasses but must admit to stealing a kiss or two in sobriety to see if he had been drinking . sheeeeeesh how sick is that ??
Aloha Bender... Your post gave me goose pimples from the memories of "my part" in it and how changing "my part" was to do my recovery and not hers. Abbyal recommends a page in the ODAAT and I thought that was super because all of us who use the literature in our recovery have "special" "awesome" "hit it on the head" pages. One of mine is Page 13, January 13th. You can have that one too.
Your post reminded me of a lesson in Al-Anon that came with a slogan. It was about making deals with the alcoholic or the disease without the hope of having it work out. "So" he says to me "If you have a any doubt that what you are trying to do will work or not....don't do it." "When in doubt don't" is one of my bestest slogans. I try not to make deals with conditions or deals that I know will have little change of working. No self hatred, low self esteem, wasted time asking the "y" question, no inclination to force anything, no put downs or judg- ments, no busted expectations; tears, anger, confusion, ifs, ands or buts. When in doubt...
The alcoholic is probably scape goating...doing the "look at him...not me" thingy. Its also about the denial and unwillingness to get honest and get to work on himself. You don't really have an issue with his drinking the issue is with the boys stuff. We've never had an issue with my drinking at all it really was his fault from the start. My drinking isn't all that bad...I'm using a clean glass... DANG!!
Abbyal & Jerry - both pages are spot on - thanks for the reminders. I'll have to say, though, Jerry nailed it pretty solid with his page - the Thought for the Day just reached out and grabbed me.
((((((( belnder ))))))))) sorry but I guess what u did is so important, that we know without a doubt, we tried every attempt to give them chances and we did all we could, so we can have a clear conscience when we leave.
wow, rational! That is waaaaay more intelligent than what I did was to runaway on vacation, losing all of my rights in my marital home & state (possesion is 9/10ths the law) and exAH kept all of my belongings to punsh me. That was hard, as I thought he'd never be so cruel as to keep my baby pix, home movies of my childhood and heirloom jewelry given by aunts & mom. Had to let that stuff go, since I made a hasty exit and appreciate that I had my life and he never could get that. I had to make an inventory list of all the things I left, just my clothes & stuff but it was well upwards of $50,000 and I wasnt even thinking straight and didnt want to make the list (it was probably far higher in value that that). Odd thing was, that made me feel better, my life/stuff had value.
He tried using my credit cards and getting to my checking acc't but I at least had the sense to call on them & change the numbers immediately from another state or I would have been even worse in the woods.
They say the best revenge is living well ~ recovery sure covers that!!! Ultimately,he didnt get me at all. Take care of you (whatever that looks like).
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Sorry, checking up on people becomes a bad and familiar habit. I still do it. I call it being cautious now... :D I guess it all depends on what you do with what you find. I think if you don't trust someone you shouldn't be with them. I wish I would have walked away when I found those emails on ex bf's phone. Oh well, it all worked out the same in the end anyway. I have a habit of being WAY to forgivig and tolerant of things I shouldn't be and too unforgiving and intolerant of things I shoud.
