The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I made it through a sleepless, sick night (think I am getting a bug again) and woke up with about 2-3hrs pf total sleep.
I called EXBF last night and told him if we were done that he was going to be man enough and tell me from his lips to my ear-via the WWW was unacceptable to me. So he called and left me a voice mail telling me it was over!!!!! To much!~Then a text that basically said he wanted me out of his life "sry.my bad"....that "my bad" still has me realing.....unbelivabley immature.
I sat down last night and for the first time really thought about the "relationship" and this is what I came up with.
*I deserve much better than a man that would "dump" me via a status change on the WWW or a voice mail or a text staing "my bad" Who does this sort of thing??
*He has 3 different children by 3 different women-red flag.
*He has never, raised, supported or seen his oldest daughter.
*His middle daughter wants no relationship with him.
*He had a falling out with his mother months ago and has yet to speak to her.
*He sulks and hides when angry or mad and shuts down communication.
*His first response to his middle daughter no longer wishing to be a part of his life was "I'll take you all back to court and we can do away with support"-when I mentioned casually that support and visitation had nothing to do with one another he was ticked at me.
*He blames all of his exs and everyone else for bad things that happen and accepts no responsibility for his own actions.
*He sulks and withdraws when their are problems/issues to discuss and then shuts everyone out.
*He has NOTHING good to say about any of his exs and when I tried to mention a good qualitity in one-he stopped me dead in my tracks and said "there is nothing good about her-don't be fooled"
*Spinning gravel and causing disturbances is an immature way to attempt to deal with a 13 yr old and then coming home afterward and calling your 9 year old and telling her that "A doesn't want to be with US anymore" Who would do that to a 9 year old???? Yet when I asked him why he didn't call me after his talk with A-he replied that he didn't feel like talking to anyone (anyone but a 9yr old apparently)
*And after all of yesterdays events......he changes his profile song to Let's get this party started and apparently from what I gather from the texts was out at the bar DRINKING his cares away......Now we all know that is NOT the way to deal with any problems.
On the positive side he is generous and can be a really funny person, though most of his humor is sarcasm based.
I did send him a letter this am as he had the nerve last night to tell me that we were not "healthy" and I was shocked.......all of the unhealthy behaviors are his, ok maybe not all but at least 90%, so I did email and set that straight......as I really feel no one close to him calls him on his behavior for fear that he will shut them out.......his own mom emailed him and said "you can try all you wont but you wont make me not love you" after the fight with her.
So I guess this pretty well sums it all up-the break up was good-FOR ME!, and honestly I had considered it Sat after he had told me how he dealt with his daughter, but talked myself out of it-ya know we all hate conflicts:)
I'm still hurt and a bit sad, but I'm also feeling under the weather so this will pass I am sure.......Thank all of you for your support yesterday........I don't know where I'd be without this wonderful place and all of you! keeping it in the now....... shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I'm glad you are feeling better. And I hope the bug is a little one
I like the idea of the red flag list. It has been hard for me to find a balancr brtween feeling like I am judging people and seeing who they really are without excuses. Actually I think my list should be red flag fact list. I like that alot.
Take a deep breath, try to let that anger and frustration go, and take care you! And now I am gonna try to follow my own suggestion LOL
Break ups hurt no matter what! A loss is a loss and to me it must be grieved out!
I think that was a great "red flag" list you created- I would drag it out repeatedly when I think I miss this person in my life!
My sponsor told me one of the best ways of getting rid of someone from my heart would be to visualize the worst parts of them acting out! Like viewing a movie! Seeing them be the unhealthy person that they were to me! A few "views" and I am usuallly done with them!
Just a thought! Take care and I hope you feel better!
Neshema
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I see it as a lot of progress. Maybe try to read it and pretend it is someone else writing it. It is full of wisdom!
We don't know anyone until we do! The truth always comes out whether good or bad.
We are here for you. Hopefully the next person you know won't turn out to be a turkey! (o: Like you said, you saw positive things too. Shows your good character.
I found I have to love and accept anothers warts and love them anyway if it is truly love on my part.
My ah is a perfect example He was never perfect, neither was I! But I miss his slippers next to the bed, his grumpies, His darn stubborness. (o:
I still do, I miss him snoring, I always loved it.
But now my friend it is a lot like you.The disease has caused some awful characteristics I cannot be around. it is not easy.
Thanks for posting this. I also liked the red flag list.
Do you the age that he started drinking? I have heard many times in program from both recovering As and from Al-anons that the starting age of the drinking is the emotional age the A lives at for the rest of their lives - until they get and - stay in recovery.
A very, very wise program friend, she wouldn't let me call her sponsor, but she was was there with me in the beginning when I was getting divorced and through my early new life of single-dom.
She told me something I took to heart in a very big way...because I was a program sponge when I first got here....still am!
She said it would serve me very well if I didn't rush into another relationship after the end of my marriage. She strongly recommended to me that before I did get into another serious relationship to work my way through ALL 12 of those steps. To use the time to focus on myself, so that I wouldn't wind up carrying all my garbage from the last relationship into the next. It was very excellent "advice". Which I took to heart. It paid a LOT of dividends.
Not saying you are in the same boat I was, but I had a lot of things to deal with before I was truly ready to try dating again and being in a committed relationship again.
I had a lot of confrontations with the ex. I think what I am sad about is that I did not see all the red flags early on. I was very very invested far too early.
I wish you luck at some point you may have nothing left to say to him. I know I'm at that point. I did have lots to say for years about what he "should" do and eventually I realised unless he wore the shoulds there was no point in my pointing it out.
Needless to say the ex had plenty to say about how awful I was. I stopped defending myself against him.
Wow! Look what you're going to be missing out on! Let's go over that again:
*I deserve much better than a man that would "dump" me via a status change on the WWW or a voice mail or a text staing "my bad" Who does this sort of thing??
*He has 3 different children by 3 different women-red flag.
*He has never, raised, supported or seen his oldest daughter.
*His middle daughter wants no relationship with him.
*He had a falling out with his mother months ago and has yet to speak to her.
*He sulks and hides when angry or mad and shuts down communication.
*His first response to his middle daughter no longer wishing to be a part of his life was "I'll take you all back to court and we can do away with support"-when I mentioned casually that support and visitation had nothing to do with one another he was ticked at me.
*He blames all of his exs and everyone else for bad things that happen and accepts no responsibility for his own actions.
*He sulks and withdraws when their are problems/issues to discuss and then shuts everyone out.
*He has NOTHING good to say about any of his exs and when I tried to mention a good qualitity in one-he stopped me dead in my tracks and said "there is nothing good about her-don't be fooled"
*Spinning gravel and causing disturbances is an immature way to attempt to deal with a 13 yr old and then coming home afterward and calling your 9 year old and telling her that "A doesn't want to be with US anymore" Who would do that to a 9 year old???? Yet when I asked him why he didn't call me after his talk with A-he replied that he didn't feel like talking to anyone (anyone but a 9yr old apparently)
*And after all of yesterdays events......he changes his profile song to Let's get this party started and apparently from what I gather from the texts was out at the bar DRINKING his cares away......Now we all know that is NOT the way to deal with any problems.
was there with me in the beginning when I was getting divorced and through my early new life of single-dom.