The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I'm new. I've known my husband 16 years, married for 11 years, we have four children 10yo and younger. He's been an alcoholic for many (probably all) of those years.
I asked him to move out in August. He refused. I started the process of divorce to force him to leave. He up and checks into detox and a treatment program. He relapsed the first 5 days out of treatment when his mother died somewhat unexpectedly. He is back on track now I guess. I do not want to be married. I do not trust him, or feel close to him, or have a desire to. He knows which buttons to push and where my weak spots are and just hammers on them to manipulate me. He says he loves me. Love is something he takes, not gives.
I think the only boundary I have (and I hardly trust myself with that one) is that if there is one more relapse I am completely done. I feel so lost and just utterly defeated. Like I will never be at peace or will never be OK with any decision that is made. I do go to Al-anon meetings. I've been to 4 or 5. They are once a week.
I don't even know what I want? Maybe just to talk to someone, anyone, that stayed with a spouse after they went through treatment. He is arranging marriage counseling but it just feels so hopeless. I can't see long term. I try to close my eyes and picture life in one year and there is just nothing there :(
I don't know how to edit. I don't think I made sense ;) He is home now. I was moving forward with the divorce and he up and said he'd fight for custody and our two lawyers said they would not guarantee my custody so I withdrew that and asked that he just move out for 6 months or so. I then was talked out of that. He then comes home and I asked him to move out *again* after the relapse. He refused. He's home now.
You are in the right place. I can surely identify with the feelings of uncertainty and confusion that comes from living with this disease of alcoholism. Please look up alanon in the white pages of your telephone directory . I found Face to Face meetings in the community very helpful. Alanon has tools that helped me FIND myself again. I learned how to set boundries, say what i needed to say without being angry, and to take care of myself.
Please keep coming here and posting You are not alone Praying for your peace.
welcome bounce, this site also has an alanon chat room, always someone to talk to there & it helps so much to have understanding. We also host 2 daily mtgs in there.
It is suggested that we give alanon a try for 6 months b4 making any life altering decisions. Especially since ur not even sure what u want (I relate to that, didnt even know what I liked anymore when I got back here) right now.
Your post is full of very typical behavior, they are so manipulative. Practise focusing on YOU and not what ur AH is or is not doing. Know that ur not alone.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I don't know the details, but I'm just here to say that I would be very surprised if the courts gave custody to a relapsing alcoholic over a non-alcoholic. He is sure trying to threaten or browbeat you into not divorcing and accepting his behavior, isn't he?
Sometimes it takes time to find a meeting you like or to feel comfortable in a meeting. But I'd bet there are a lot of people in the meetings who've been through exactly what you're going through. Please don't give up hope, and do take care of yourself.
I, too, know what anxiety, hopelessness, depression, and the "dark hole" of dispair feels like. I know what it is like to give ultimatums and set boundaries and continue to try to extend them time and time again. When feeling as such, I try to remember my HP has my best interest at heart even thought I am often too "in the weeds" to see the answer I have been given. I struggle myself, but also know that others in my life have their own HP despite what I would like to believe. Trust in the program and good things will follow. I often have to walk "blindly" myself as I am doing now and trusting the experience, strength, and hope of the program.
