The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Steps 1, 2, 3, - I can't, God can, I think I'll let him.
Step 3 is recognizing that there is a power greater than myself in charge of my life and it's outcome. When I accepted that HE was in charge, not me, I was then able to turn my life over to the God of my understanding. I worked the steps with a sponsor who believes in working them the AA way. For me it was to read everything in the daily readers as well as How Al-Anon works and saying the AA Third Step Prayer twice daily for a month. At the end of the month we discussed it and I wrote about it but she did not ask to see what I wrote. I did keep what I wrote for reference a year later to see where I was at then and where I am at now.
Step 4 - can be worked a number of ways. For me it was to start off with the Al-Anon 12 and 12 as well as intense reading for a month. At the end of the month I made a list of the things in my past that still leave a pit in my stomach when I think about them. Listing who was involved, what happened, what my part in it was and what I could have done differently. Also what emotions were involved; did I have amends to make; was fear, rejection, etc. involved. While doing this I noticed quite a few patterns of behavior on my part which led to the list of things I needed to ask God to remove in Step 6.
I hope this helps you some. Keep at it and you will find what works for you and keeps your sponsor happy.
Barb
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
thank you for the feedback. I've been mulling step 3 over, and wondering what more I need to do than to sorta let go of the things I wanted to control and just "see what happens" (meanwhile keeping a positive attitude, of course). I don't think my book has a third step prayer or any prayer other than God Grant me the serenity...
Then I get to step 4... things from my past that still leave a pit in my stomach... starting with the 7 sins? Or??
The Third Step Prayer is found in the AA big book. As I stated yesterday my sponsor led me through the steps the way she was led through them and that was the AA way.
I use the Third Step Prayer for myself and also use it when I am being troubled by another person. When the situation involves someone that I'm holding a resentment against or just plain troubled I say the Prayer only insert their name and his/her as it applies. Hope this helps a bit.
As for the fourth step, if you haven't completed the third don't go on to the fourth it will give you a lot of distress doing the steps out of order.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I recognize that I have no control over anything but myself, and I am happies that way. It suits me better to just be with things, just sit with them. Oddly, my STBAH is the same way. I do beleive in a higher power, I always have, since i was very little. For years I wouldn't say "God" in vain because I felt it wasn't warranted. I'm Ok with saying it now, say it all the time, really... figure God knows the difference between being called out, and slang expressions... :) (as I understand him, right?)
The things that leave a pit in my stomach are few. Sometimes they come up out of nowhere tho. there was one time on a bus in a faraway city adn this little boy my son's age was antagonizing him, making faces, being rude. And my son was shocked and asked me about that little boy and why he was behaving so rudely, and I said in a loud voice "Don't worry about him. Some people just don't teach their kids how to have good manners and so their kids are rude. For some people it's OK to be rude, I guess. It's just for the bus ride and then you'll never have to see him, or his rudeness again. It's nothing personal." The thing that makes me cringe about that is that there is no way I can take back what I said, and I think the overall message to the boy, to my son, and to the boy's mother, wasn't one I really beleive in. It was out of character for me to be that way in the first place, but to teach my son that strangers don't matter and we can just blow off people we're never going to see again and treat them however we choose to... well, I feel really yucky about that. I don't know why I said it. I could see the mother almost choke at what I told my son, like she wanted to say something to me, probably to tell me where to go! I could tell she was a decent person but that her parenting had gotten away from her. Maybe her son has ADHD and she gave up trying to control his behavior? I am sure she has issues she was facing. But I feel a pit in my stomach when I think of how quickly I judged her, and her son. I can be judgemental like that, and make snap decisions about people. It isn't fair, and no one died and made me God. I can think of a hundred other responses I could have had... I want to tell my son I was wrong, and apologize for my attitude towards perfect srtangers (Or imperfect strangers as the case may be).
It's not Ok to judge people like that. We are all fighting some battle or other.
Another thing I feel a pit in my stomach over is that I found some photos of STBAH's. They were of x girlfriends, many of them were riske/nude/soft porn. I took them away from him and got rid of them. He knows I did this, and he let me. But really I had no business in his photo albumns in the first place, much less throwing photos away. I have apologized to him. But there's more to it than that. While I looked at the photos, I had a million negative thoughts about him, and about the women in the pictures. I judged him, too. I decided he was shallow, and cheap. I wanted to throw up at the pictures. They really effected me. Throwing them away wasn't enough, either. I burned several of them, or tortured them with water and a needle. If i had been a Voodoo lady, I would have stabbed the x girlfriends doing so, and been glad for it. Why? They didn't do anything to me? I don't understand where I was at emotionally and mentally. I was at my limit, but why did I react the way I did?
I was much worse than STBAH has ever been to me. Much worse.
... I have apologized to him for judging him and acting right in that he deserves to be judged for having those kind of pictures when he's got a new girlfriend. In a normal world, I guess that is the case. But this isn't a normal world.
I still feel sick about that.
Another thing I have remorse for is that one time I left my son alone with a baby we were baby sitting. I was gone for 10 minutes and came flying through the door frantic and freaking out that he was 11 and the baby couldn't talk yet, and while I had been out, I had this weird idea that something bad could happen... that the baby would be harmed and it would be my fault for not listening to my instincts. When I got home, I could hear the baby crying. My son had taken her into the bathroom where he was peeing. She was in the car seat and he was trying to swing it with one hand and pee with the other. I burst into the bathroom and again... I judged... quickly, harshly. I was in a frantic mess-- like my worst night mare was coming true. I literally flipped out. I snatched the car seat away from him, told him to straighten out his pants, and accused him of being inappropriate with the baby. My son was 11. He had never baby sat before. I had been molested as a kid, and a lot of my reaction, I realized soon after, was my own BS coming into play. But I freaked my son out, he cried and cried and asked me to please stop talking. I was out of control, and there was no happy ending for that scene. After I had calmed down some and realized the baby had been safe all along, he explained to me that she cried the whole time I was gone and he had been doing his best to get her to stop. We sat on the couch with her on our laps, and she giggled and smiled, drank her milk (I had been at the store to get her some formula). I knew she was Ok. But he would be different for ever. He had alwas been very loving with every baby, and we had been watching this baby for a month or so, and we liked her and her mother a lot. I RUINED him on babies now. He doesn't like them at all anymore. Doesn't even look at them. I tried to explain to him that my reaction had more to do with me than it had to do with him or with reality. It was the first and only time he's seen me totally loose it, and I pray it will be the last.
