The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been thinking today about being alone. Lots of people are really scared of being alone. I'm not, don't get me wrong I would love to have people or in particular a special person in my life but it seems like every time I find someone I want to have emotional intimacy with besides my family I change into someone else almsot. Usually not someone I like. I'm thinking about if I was ever involved with someone who did not deal with thier problems by using alcohol or drugs maybe I would not turn into that insecure, people pleaser, scared person. When I am alone I am pretty happy with who I am and what i do. When I become involved with someone I start looking at my life the way they see it and I start to fix things that ... well ain't really broken to me just the way i like to be. I got a taste of what a maybe healthy relationship should be like at the beginning of this one. Someone who encourages you, makes you feel so special, but in a calm way not a phoney icky way. Someone who takes care of you but is careful to not do too much, especially in my case I need to feel like I can still do all the things I used to. It makes me really sad i did not have that in my first relationship, he was controlling and insecure, somewhat abusive. The second, my marriage usually consisted of my playing my role and my Ex doing his part to keep me feeling like I couldn't make it anywhere else. Now I got a tiny little taste of what it should be like before this most recent A seemed to change in a blink of an eye. It makes me sad, 22 years figuring out I should be alone when i could have put all that time to such better use.
Funny too I needed to pretend or at least tell myself that my Ex would get sober, recovery and we could get back together. I am not interested now even if he did, that scared feeling would always be there. In reality he pushed things too far I can not even be friends with him the way I thought I could. This ABF I don't even have any thoughts like that, I know I don't want to be waiting for the next time. I know my recovery is supposed to let me live a life not waiting for next time .... but it is always there ... am I doing something wrong?
-- Edited by Jennifer on Sunday 13th of September 2009 08:57:43 PM
I have been alone for 4 years (with intermittent visits by my sons). I find that alot of women will tolerate anything rather then be alone. My alone was not my choice so I have some resentment there. My AHsober wants a divorce. He says that his "sources" say that he should have no contact with me to get divorced. It is painful. His character defects seem to rise to the surface. He doesn't work a program. If a miracle happened and he worked a program and he wanted to save our marriage, I don't know what I would do. I doubt that that will happen. So I fantasize about finding someone else. I don't think that I could go thru this again. That is another A.
I am not totally alone kids still here but am alone without my husband....it does get lonely....I can so relate to the next one......I did meet someone after hub left what a disaster that turned out to be....
I do miss the my hubby, the little things like going out to diner, hugs, just someone to watch tv with.....but in all reality....at least we have some peace of mind...and that says it all.....
Sometimes being alone gets lonely ... especially when reminders of the good times creep in, like the smell of Sunday dinners filling the house ... and then I look around and there is only me and my little guy to enjoy it. Or all the things we have done over this past year alone, rather than with my ex-aH there with us. Fairs. Family Reunions. Holidays. Road trips. Visits to kid friendly exhibits etc. I find it particularly hard when we are surrounded by other families that "appear" happy and intact. To bring myself back to reality I remember all the reasons why we are not together as well and try to find my emotional balance again. It can be quite a ride.
There are benefits to being alone as well. I've certainly had a lot of time to get to know myself better and learn more about my good and bad qualities. I've learned how to be perfectly okay on my own and even enjoy my own company. I've had the opportunity to open new doors to social activities that I never would have before. For me, there have been gains along with the losses.
My new philosophy for myself is that I don't just want "someone" to share my life with, I want "the one". And further to that, I do not want to be anyone elses "someone" but rather his "the one". Until then, being alone will be my choice.
Once I was single for several years following a bad relationship. I was never lonely I enjoyed my life and was happy. I never even thought of my single status I just was. Then I must have started to want someone in my life, I met my now exabf, it was wonderful at first, I enjoyed having that special someone in my life I'd forgotten how sweet it could be, I loved being with him, caring for him sharing etc. I thought I was healthy and independant LOL it didnt take long for me to totally crash and burn, my fear and insecurities taking over. I can remember when it went from good to totally unhealthy. I got a feeling like I'd fell off a cliff backwards, a feeling I'd felt before in relationships, but then I didnt know why. Now I understand my codependancy and acoa issues, my lack of self esteem, fear of abandonment, jealousy etc etc. I am a bit lonely but know I dont want to replace my ex yet, I also dont want to replace him with another A, and I also know I'm not ready to date again. I'm still in love with my ex but I'm working on that, I'm working on myself too.
With my new found awareness and my program I hope that when and if I have another relationship it will be a healthy one.
In the beginning the ex A could not do enough for me. He volunteered, he helped, he was supportive. Gradually over time his red flags appeared. I was so hooked on the fact he once helped me I did not pay enough attention to the red flags. Now I have been alone for over 2 years I am actually loathe to let anyone in because I do change in a relationship. I over invest way too early.
