The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He is drunk. 6 day binge and not showing any signs of coming off it. He is determined to die, and he is doing a great job of seeing that come about. He cannot eat without throwing up, is losing weight, and just keeps drinking...not fussy about his liquor. Gin, vodka, beer, wine; anything will do. All of you who told me are right; it gets worse and worse. I am at the point where I really don't care anymore. If he wants to kill himself, get to it so that I can get on with the happy life I knew for so many years before he came along.
Am I finally going nuts? Seems to me that to wish a person dead is not normal. I want to get away from him, but I do not have the moxie to kick him out and go on. And I am not the kind to visit violence on anyone.
What a miserable situation. Is this how I am going to spend my "golden years?"
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I can totally relate to where you are coming from, I use to think the same thing....only the truth is death is not better and god forbid something would happen please remember that you are saying this in anger.
I had seen my husband so desperate for alcohol that he actually drank rubbing alcohol. That was a freaky experience....thought he had died right there and then.
This binge sounds like a a whopper....I know the hell you are going thru just watching it...it is very very emotionally draining. I was just wondering if his stomach is swollen. this is a bad sign if so...and also his coloring.....my hub was yellow like....
I wish I could give you a magical answer dear friend the truth of the matter is that some just never beat this awful disease my husband was one.....that is a hard fact of this awful disease....sounds like he is on the road to permanent destruction....I can remember telling my husband if you are going to drink yourself to death please don't make me watch.....................
Sorry you're going through this..... unfortunately, those feelings (of almost wishing they die) are pretty common and natural in living around A's.... I remember when my AW was out drinking regularly, and I thought I was turning into a nutcase, almost praying that the next knock on the door would be the police, telling me she had been killed in some kind of accident, etc.... I guess it is just one of the ways we "handle" the crap that goes with this....
Anyway you slice it, alcoholism stinks...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My heart tugs at reading this. I recall being in the same situation. He may drink himself right in to the hospital with renal failure. It sounds like he should be there now. Some instances are just not possible to detach from, but still, we are powerless. Wishing him dead/gone is normal, IMO. I did the same until it almost happened. Then I found myself telling HP I didn't mean it.
I can only wish you peace and love. This too shall pass, one way or the other.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy on Saturday 12th of September 2009 01:26:06 PM
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
hello my friend. Yes it does get worse and worse as the disease is killing them little by little.
From my experience with death and others, people feel guilty for wishing they would just pass.But it is perfectly natural for us to want the person to be out of pain, or out of a horrible place.
He is dieing, that is the point. The disease or illness, gets into every part of their body.Pretty soon things start to die inside and stop working at all.
Plus sugar feeds cancer so a huge amount of A's get the cancer growing, especially as they get older.
It is so sad as I know the woman you are.
I hope you can get out with friends, go on trips, take your animals to shows, and all that you enjoy.
And no I don't blame you.Maybe my AH being gone is a blessing. I sure don't have the energy or time for any bs at all. I know it would shorten my life too.
This year has been so good to me. Am back to me doing things I have always loved. But look at how long it took! That is very ok.
Aloha Diva...That was me at one time and as Tom mentioned..."nut case"!! I got there big time. Divine intervention led me back to the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups where I learned I didn't have to wait on my alcoholic wife or for my alcoholic wife to get sober or die to be happy. White pages, Al-Anon, make the call.
Thanks to all of you for your kind words. Perhaps you do not realize that I DO attend AlAnon meetings quite regularly here in Texas. Problem is, I don't seem to relate to the people in attendance as they make a whole religious experience out of it, and make no bones about their belief that if I do not accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I will never get anywhere in the program. I am Jewish, as most of you know, so this advice does not sit well with me. Hence I do not share; very seldom even speak. And...I have visited three different meetings, and all operate with the same attitude.
This is why I lean on this group. I feel I have made lasting friends here over the many years I have been coming here, and all of you are my AlAnon meeting. I do read the literature, and I find it helpful. But I find myself, again and again, reverting to step one, because I have not given into the premise that I have no power. I getting closer though...LOL
Again, thanks for your loving responses. Diva's only human after all, and from time to time needs a hug.
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Reguardless of my opinion, and I do have one, and I happen to be a Christian, Al-Anon is not allied with any sect or religion. You need support from a group, you deserve support, especially now Diva. RLC would find a group that adhered to the to the principles of this World Wide group. I hope you consider doing the same.
There is a time and a place for religion. At an Al-Anon meeting is neither. Meetings in my humble opinion do have a spiritual foundation, but never should preach a particular religion. In the two groups I attend each week the group conscious does not, and would now allow it. We are all there for the same reason. We have all been affected by someone elses drinking.
I agree Diva does need a hug.
So Here Is A Double HUG, From Your Brother In Al-Anon, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 12th of September 2009 02:35:12 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 12th of September 2009 02:37:06 PM
Hello Diva , nice to see u again and sorry your having a rough time Your the second person in two days that has mentioned the deep religious aspect of Al-Anon in Texas , I am amazed actually . Have u considered starting another meeting in your community and using our Al-Anon hand book as a guide ? we have a meeting here we call CAL ( confrence approved literature) , each week we use a pamphlet or book as our topic , cant go wrong there . WSO will provide you with a beginners package to start a new meeting .
I truly understand like Christy that wishing someone would die feels bad but somehow we get there , I too felt the same way many yrs ago , lucky for me God was busy on those nites that I prayed so hard . My husb is 20 yrs sober this month ,the miracle of sobreity is his . my miracle is discovering who I really am changing what I don't like and working on becomming the person i was meant to be. Live your life Diva - we cannot afford to wait for them to see the light . Louise
I believe it about the christian slant to meetings. I have a few around here that tend to slant that way also. I take what I like and leave the rest. It can be quite irritating. And when I get the AA's who forget they are in an alanon meeting and then start spouting about how the only way to stay sober is thru their HP of choice, well, my disease kicks in and I want to tell THEM to shove it.
My mother lives with a sober A. But he is a real piece of work anyway. And she has chosen him over me, over her grandkids and over herself. I don't get it and I feel very sorry for her. I am a single mom without any signifigant others in my life. And I do get lonely, very lonely at times. But I would rather live my life alone, in peace with the occasional lonliness rather than with the insanity of the disease.
I wonder how I will feel if I am still alone when I am my mother's age. I pray that I never get so lonley that I settle for an A again. I can understand how it happens. There are some days that I wonder if it wouldn't be better to be with a sick person. But, I don't want to be my mother. I don't want that pain. I love my freedom, including all the pain, the loneliness. My bad days out are better than my good days when I was still in.
((((((Diva)))))))) you have a big heart and lots of love. This too shall pass. That's one thing I have seen in my mother is the genuine love she has for these A's in her life. Beyond her enabling, she really cares. That's a good quality and I admire that. Because personally, I don't care one whit for any of them (the ones in her life or in mine).
I remember being so mad when my next door neighbor, newlywed, wife just 3 months pregnant died in a accident. I had been praying for my HP's help in relieving my and my EXAH's pain and I had decided one of us dying was the only way it was going to happen. I have a vivid memory of lying looking at the ceiling crying saying "you freakin missed, 50 feet to the right, try again". My EX on the other hand handled it in his own way, so much sympathy and grief he needed to drink to his memory.
I am in Texas and although it isn't too uncommon to come across people who openly incorperate religion into thier program, those types seem to be the minority, in my experience. I guess it varies from city to city.
Do they actually say things like that in the meeting itself, or is it just when you talk to people outside the meeting?
My first sponsor was not a Christian and that was when I was a very devote Christian and that was never a problem.
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Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
Diva, this is a tough one, I'm sending on good thoughts for you and it is a horrible situation, a progressive disease. I can feel that you are shutting down with this and I think you must concentrate on you, whatever works for you works for you, I too have some meetings not the best with people with personal agendas and we are too vulnerable for that. I do find that I get a lot out of meetings and I do share now, it gets it out, and stops me stuffing the pain.
I remember those feelings all too well. I think what is really was I just couldn't stand to see him do this to himself anymore. It broke my heart. Here was the love of my life destroying himself and there wasn't anything I could do about it.
I too had a hard time finding the right Alanon meetings. Thank goodness I found this place. I did find the right one eventually. It took some doing though. A good friend was in the same spot as I was. He eventually took me to a support group for family and friends of addicts. It isn't Alanon based. So between the two groups I have found my place. Perhaps you might want to look at just a general support group. They're out there. Sending you much love and blessings to you and your family. Love to all your pets too.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am very sorry that you are put in this situation where you have to watch someone you love slowly choose the choices that lead to nowhere good. I, too, have problems relating to the groups in my area but recently tried a new group and had some success. I also attended open AA meetings in the past and that helped too. Trying something new because I know the place I can put myself in is not good to be in alone. I continue to struggle, but feel much more support now that I have asked for help. And you have done the same. Nothing can ease the pain ultimately unless you ask for your HP's guidance. I am thinking of you and what you are going through.
My Ason was in the same state after weeks of drinking and not eating, even my mouthwash bottle was emptied. He's now back in the psych unit where he'll be for the next 2 weeks (& hopefully longer)
This disease is hellish and I have come to believe I am truly powerless over it....you are not alone in your thinking.....I have also sometimes thought death would be preferable , therein lies the madness of it all.
I'm sorry that your meetings don't help .....keep coming back here....
I did find the right one eventually. It took some doing though. A good friend was in the same spot as I was. He eventually took me to a support group for family and friends of addicts. It isn't Alanon based. So between the two groups I have found my place. 
Perhaps you might want to look at just a general support group. They're out there. Sending you much love and blessings to you and your family. Love to all your pets too.