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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New here - my story
Post Info TOPIC: New here - my story
artsyinnj


Newbie

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New here - my story
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Hi everyone,

I came to these boards because I don't know where else to start.  I'll try to give a concise background.  It may be biased as this is how I perceived everything.

My boyfriend and I worked for the same company.  I am 30, and he is 36.  We became friendly in April 2008 and started dating in August 2008.  It was your stereotypical whirlwind romance.  We couldn't get enough of each other, and I moved into his house in October 2008.  He would drink beer after coming home from work and would buy 12-24 beers every other day or so.  I didn't think anything of it.  I also learned he smoked marijuana when his backyard neighbor offered him some, and they took a couple of hits together in front of me.  I personally am anti-drugs, but I didn't make a big deal out of this either.

Time passed, and all seemed okay.  But I began to notice the frequency of his smoking - first thing in the morning and throughout the evening after work.  I even witnessed him buying weed from a co-worker in the company parking lot.  During this time I also was worried about his drinking (12 beers a day, every day).  I eventually expressed my concern, and he told me he would stop because I was more important to him than the drugs and alcohol.  As it turned out, he was lying and chose to hide it from me.  I confronted him again, and he told me he would stop... again.  I began watching him like a hawk.  He was spending more time out in the detached garage (where all of his tools are - he likes to build things on occasion) and was spending much more time at his backyard neighbor's (who is a heavy drinker and smoker).

I turned to his parents for help.  They were aware of his behavior from a few years ago, but they were under the impression that he had cleaned up.  They spoke with him, and he agreed to meet with one of their friends who is a recovered alcoholic.  But that was a sham, too.  The friend reported back to us, but bf lied to him as well.  BF said he only drank 6-12 beers a week, when in fact he drank that much every single day.  For show, BF started drinking non-alcoholic beer, but he was also keeping regular beer in a cooler in the garage.  He started spending even more time with his backyard neighbor.

There were a few times when one or two of his friends would come over, and they would drink and smoke all night.  I was alienated because I don't do either of those things.  I would just do work on the computer or stuff around the house.  But it was during these times that BF would say unpleasant things to me.  We've spent several nights in different rooms because of this behavior.

Once, I was extremely upset and phoned his parents.  When BF learned I was speaking to them, he lost it, drank more, and cursed me out to all his friends over the phone - for the entire neighborhood to hear.

Even when he claimed to have given up the weed, he would arrange "pickups" of the stuff to give to his backyard neighbor, which I didn't understand.  If he wasn't using anymore, then why be the one to deliver the goods?

This became a great concern especially after he had quit his job in March, a month after I was let go.  What he collected from unemployment was more than I made working full-time, yet he could barely afford to pay off his bills and credit card.  He would lie about going out, saying he's just going to the bank but return to hide the beer in the garage.  Often, he would go to the ATM to get cash "for gas, groceries, etc.", but when we go out, he doesn't have a dollar on him.  During another incident, he got mad at me and told me he was through doing things because I told him to.  He went back to drinking his daily 12 beers right in front of me.  As for the pot smoking... if he continued doing that, then he has managed to hide it very well.

He has even said to me that he can't have just one beer.  We have so many other beverages in the fridge, yet he automatically goes for beer, and when there isn't any, he goes out for more.  I know for a fact that he has been using his credit card to purchase beer... and some other drinks because there's a $10 minimum for credit purchases.

He even stopped showering regularly.  Showering became a once-a-week occurrence.

Because of all this, my natural reaction was to pull away.  I stopped being affectionate, which irked him immensely, and he would complain about the lack of sex to all of his buddies.

Two weeks ago, we were watching internet TV.  He made a snarky comment that he wished I would kiss him like the characters on TV were kissing.  I said if he kept making those sort of comments, I would kiss him less.  He retorted that it can't happen any less.  At that point I got up and walked away because I didn't want to get into another fight.  But his anger took over.  He threw the wireless router across the dining room and wound up taking an ax/hammer to it.  We argued, and he pinned everything on me, as always.  He managed to calm down, and we went to bed.  But I didn't sleep a wink.  I moved out in the morning and went to my parents.

I've seen him once, and he appeard okay.  He's been spending most of his time with backyard neighbor.  BF is somewhat dependent him because the guy gives him work.  So, they work together all day on houses, and then drink together in the evening.

I'm just trying to separate myself from his problems.  He refuses to find a "normal" job.  All of his friends are drinkers and users.  He insists that I'm the one with the problem, that I create the problems.  He thinks that we still have a future together, but that hinges on if he can pull it together.  I will not raise children with a man who lies and deceives.  For the past two weeks, I've felt anger towards him.  I just want to shake him and tell him to snap out of it.  But then I sometimes wonder if I am the one creating all these problems.  None of my friends do drugs and only drink socially.  Being with BF opened my eyes to an entirely different world.

Sorry for the long post...


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Christy


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Hi artsy,

Welcome to MIP  biggrin

What you have experienced is pretty much a story every one us can tell.  With an alcoholic, the blame always goes everywhere but where it should.  This is TOTALLY his problem to deal with with.  Until he stops the denial and sees it as a problem it will continue and progress.  You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.  It's amazing how they can twist and manipulate thoughts.  He had a problem before he met you, so it certainly can't be your fault.
Many of us, have in the past, convinced ourselves we can "save" them.  That is always a journey in to a dark abyss.
Your BF doesn't drink /smoke because of you, he drinks because he is an alcoholic/addict.
Nothing you can say or do will change his behavior.

You are wise to detach from the situation.  As you have witnessed.. an active alcoholic will say or do anything to keep their alcoholism alive.  There's a saying, "If their lips are moving, they are lying".  It sounds pretty harsh but it's true.

Luckily, you haven't succumbed to the insanity that alcoholism brings to us, believing the same lies over and over.  It's always difficult to watch someone we love go down the road of addiction but we don't have to go down that road too.

Keep coming back and reading.  Attending some Alanon meetings would be helpful to your understanding of what you are dealing with.

Take care, and take care of YOU.

Christy

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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them.  And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hawk120025


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Artsy,

OMG!  I can relate as your story is almost EXACTLY  like mine.  The similarities are eerie.

My exabf also told me I was more important than drinking, but then hid his problem from me.  Drank constantly - several beers a day.  Tried to start petty arguments and blaming me for his issues.  I also turned to his parents for help.  When he found out he was LIVID with me. 

After I stood up to my bf, by breaking up with him, I was left with the same questions.  How much did I really have to do with it?  Etc.  Let me tell you what I've learned in the short time I've been in the program.

1 - It was not my fault.  He was a drinker/user long before I came into his world.  Same applies to you.  They are master manipulators who latch onto your weakness and use that to get into your head so you will not challenge their behavior.

2 - A's tend to be emotionally stunted and not capable of having mature/rational relationships.  As in the case with mine, his mom told me that his development of being able to handle adversity pretty much was stunted as soon as the addiction took over.  Instead of learning those skills they turn to alcohol.  That explains why he was unable to truly express his frustrations without everything turning into a petty argument.

3 - You did the right thing.  Although it may not feel like it, taking the stand you did took alot of courage and strength.  People tell me that all the time, but there are still times I question my decision and don't feel "strong" at all.  However, your greatest concern should be for yourself and I believe you absolutely did the right thing. 

4 - Shaking him will do no good. He needs to shake himself.  Do your best to move on - detach from him - heal yourself and learn from this experience.  You are a beautiful person and deserve to be with someone who appreciates you for all that you are.  Not someone who lies, deceives, and chooses to deflect their issues onto you. 

Hang in there and know that, as I have, you will find many here who can relate and will encourage and support you.

I am happy to help any way I can.  I'm not quite two months out of my breakup.  It still smarts once in a while, but still feels right.  It's all part of the healing.

Hollie



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Mandy123


~*Service Worker*~

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Artsy,
Welcome to MIP, so glad you found us.

I really related to your post and there were parts of it I could have written myself. My husband is my alcoholic/addict. His drug of choice was pot and he has started drinking more and more over the past 6 months.

I learned from my marriage that "A"s are masters of turning their problems into your fault. Please keep in mind the three C's that Christy shared with you. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

This program has been so helpful to me.  I hope it will help you as it has helped me.

Yours in recovery,
Mandy

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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall

God is seldom early, but he is never late.
debilyn


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 Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:            http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html   

Hi, glad you found MIP.

I would encourage you to find a meeting in your area. You will learn so much. Alanon Literature is great also.

Knowledge will help you see the truth about addiction. They cannot snap out of it, they are controlled by their addiction.

I feel you did a very wise thing, getting away. Of course you cannot raise kids with him. Part of  being an addict is relapse. For me I would not chance that at all. They are so sick in their disease. In time he will hate that he is so caught up in it and his life will get so much worse.

You were very brave to not allow the disease to take you down with him.

The meetings here are great, there is a chat room if you want to ask questions etc. This board will give you sooooo much knowledge, support and friendship.

Your story is shared by so many. You will find you are in no way alone.

Welcome,debilyn

-- Edited by debilyn on Friday 11th of September 2009 10:28:34 PM

-- Edited by debilyn on Friday 11th of September 2009 10:29:21 PM

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Andrea12


~*Service Worker*~

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(((((((Girlfriend)))))))))),

We can all tell a pretty similar story....fact is your bf is an addict alcoholic, nothing  you can do about it not one thing.....it is of his own making.....only he can stop try and remember love has absolutely nothing to do with addiction.

What you can do you have just started doing.........welcome.......get to some face to face meetings, keep posting, come into the room and please just try and take care of you.....

Prayers,
Andrea

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abbyal


~*Service Worker*~

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Well he's right about one thing , you are the one with the problem .  Until he says what he's doing is causing him  a problem IT ISN'T .   and I'm sorry but anyone who would take an ax to a computor or anything else in the house is just not someone I want to be around , because I truly believe that when they run out of furniture , your next .
they hang with drinkers because he is accepted there , he knows u disaprove of his drinking and smoking dope so he chooses lower companions . this is a disease and it only gets worse , there is absolutley nothing u can do about him , please as has been suggested find meetings for yourself ,  u have been affected by someone elses drinking and u too need to recover . 

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Rora


Senior Member

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Sounds to me as though you have been affected, as have I, by a romantic partners addictions.  The stories around here don't change a whole lot, just the characters.  Mostly all of us can relate to the lying, the hoping, the praying, the wanting to believe, the angst, the disappointment, the violence, the chaos, the drama, the emptiness...and the list goes on and on and on and on....

I think you are very wise to be thinking well in advance about what it would be like to have a family within this lifestyle.  For me, I had my blinders on and went ahead and had a child with my exaH.  Our child is now 5yrs old and of course I am so grateful and thankful for our son's existence, but at the same time, having a child with this man has now bound us together for a lifetime.  There is no moving on with life without my exaH.  He will always be part of my life in the capacity of co-parent and one day, our son will need the rooms of Alateen to cope with his fathers addictions and how they've impacted his life.  Alcoholism is a family disease as they say.  I think it's great you are thinking of that.

Rora


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artsyinnj


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Thank you all for your words. After reading / hearing about others' experiences, I feel lucky that I avoided being sucked into an abyss. I still wonder if I made a big deal out of nothing, but then I'm reminded of the obvious: if there weren't a problem, he wouldn't have gotten so defensive and would have proven me wrong. Plus, I know for a fact that his previous gf had raised the same concerns. He still believes that we will be together to be married and have a family, but I'm not convinced. As much as want to plan for a family... I just don't know if he can make the changes necessary. He refuses help of any kind unless it's from his "buddies." I was going to go off about the backyard neighbor, but I stopped myself. He is not my concern. Yes, I hate that bf clings to him instead of me, but I have to accept it for what it is. Nothing I say or do will change that. Does it make me stupid that a part of me is still hoping for a happy ending with him? We (his parents and I) don't know what happened. He had a good home growing up. He's an intelligent person with a big heart, and he has so much potential. He could have done anything he wanted. But he's automatically drawn to other drinkers and users. To be blunt, this sucks. What I've found interesting is his determination to be together, yet his unwillingness to change to achieve that.

Aside from worrying and stressing about him, I've been taking steps to better myself. I've been working on my photography, building up my portfolio. I've been crocheting and reading. I exercise daily (which I did even when living with bf). And I've been applying to a bunch of jobs. In fact, I'm waiting to hear back from one place - I should have an answer by Fri. Let's hope I get it! Still, I'll be sending my resume out to more places this afternoon. Of course, friends and family have been there for me, too.

I also wonder, is bf really an alcoholic? Have I in some way twisted things around so that he would fit the mold?

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Mattie


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"12 beers a day, every day"?  Isn't it astonishing how alcoholics can seize reality and twist it to their purposes so we begin doubting ourselves that 12 beers a day, defensiveness, hiding his drinking in the garage, and always hanging out with A's and druggies aren't signs of problem drinking?  My A ex-H used to tell me that I (and society) just had a hang-up about drinking and condemned a perfectly harmless pastime.  The fact that he would pass out, lost his license, had to undergo court-ordered rehab, stole and lied wasn't evidence to him that anything was wrong -- instead it was my perceptions that were wrong.  He was so good at making me doubt myself, and I fell right in line with it.

In my case it's also that I desperately wanted to believe that he didn't have a problem. Because if he had a problem, I had a problem.   How could I make him stop?  Even then, I could tell that I was powerless over his alcohol.  How could I go on without him?  How could I live my life and do things all on my own?  How could I face that I might have made a mistake in being with him, and now I'd have to disentangle myself and go through all those grief and emotions?  My denial about the problem was as big as his.  For a while. 

Strength and courage to you!

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