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Since I started attending meetings, I have noticed that I have had massive emotional outpourings. I remember the night after my very first meeting and sharing, I was talking online to my partner (long distance relationships, different countries - we met for 3 weeks in July and it was truly fantastic). The outpour of emotion and fear was incredible, like a floodgate had opened. My partner being the amazing woman that she is heard everything I had to say and gave me her unconditional support, and she accepts this may be a long, hard road for me before things start getting better.
So since I have been attending my meetings once a week and sharing briefly about what's on my mind, about what I want to achieve internally and spiritually, it has been very tough to weather the storm of emotions. Every day, if I am not busy with work/activities keeping in mind, my mood would go from being elated for a few hours, then I might start heading downhill, and then sometimes I would feel so low, worrying about the future, being scared of change, and I'd let the tears out.. and soon after feel very powerful and back to being on top again. Can anybody relate to this confusing way of how our emotions constantly rock back and forth?
The thing for me is when I get low, I start focusing on the littlest things. For example, my partner might tell me about her favourite movies, and a couple are about heroes going into battle to save their kingdom, or one man taking down a gang to save his daughter, and immediately I'll be comparing myself to those men in those movies, FICTIONAL CHARACTERS who do amazing things. I stray from what I am and what my gifts and strengths are, and focus on my weaknesses and wish in some way I could be her hero too.
But then whether it be later in the day or the next, I'll be on top of the world. I'll reflect on exactly what my strengths are, my unique qualities, the things that make me lovable and someone to cherish, and I'll feel elated and KNOW my true self-worth. It's just so confusing, going back and forth between the emotions, But I seem to be growing, as I can move past each obstacle eventually and have it no longer be be a threat to me. Maybe this is what we could all call 'one day/mountain at a time'. It's funny how I look for anything to challenge myself, to try and find things better than me, and to find ways to overcome these things by seeing I am a better man in my own way.
The reality is, I got settled into being a single man after 12 months from breaking off a 5 year relationship with a girl (she made the break). Then as I got settled and enjoyed my life, and gained control and momentum, this woman came along and shook everything up. I don't know what it was, but God gave me the sign to upon up to her, where I had shut out any true connection to others before. I truly believe this relationship is going to take me to some amazing places, and help me find more spiritual growth within myself. And I believe God gave me this lady, who accepts all of my past, my fears and insecurities, and loves me for the man that I am.
Change is such a scary thing sometimes. Even if it's the most positive change of your life, sometimes I almost prepare for the worst so I am ready to handle it and move on with my life. I believe we are both on a spiritual journey together. Dealing with my past and all of the emotions just makes it such a rollercoaster sometimes!
Any shares are greatly appreciated. Bless you all!
Welcome , the first thing I would do is add a couple more meetings to my week , your relationship is long distance so u do have the time , go to diff meetings meet new people find a sponsor and talk out those fears and highs and lows a sponsor is a guide to this program someone who is working the steps attends meetings regularly and has time to listen to even the smallest of our problems . Invaluable in my opinion . I'ts not easy looking at ouselves discovering that we are less than perfect and accepting that its ok , when we know better we do better. As self esteem grows courage comes back to do what we have to do to become who we were truly meant to be . Change is risky but well worth the effort . Most of us are very needy people when we arrive here and thats not a good thing , getting comfy in our own skin takes time it is impossible to love anyone unless we love honor and cherrish ourselves first .
yes, I can relate a lot to what ur saying here. I am very emotional anyway, and when we're dealing with unresolved issues/feelings, a lot will bubble up. Emotions are like that anyway, they come up in waves, feel very intesne, overwhleimng even and then they pass.
I know I was focusing on my pain and that only seemed to extend what I was going through. Now I just try to identify my feelings, experience them (sit & feel it) and them get through it and it subsides.
Change is scary, even when we inititate it. It is new stuff new=unknown/scary, when I remind myself of that simple fact, it gets better/easier to handle and to allow myself to be afraid but still move forward in spite of it.
Movies are a great fantasy and inspirational, so if they inspire you, great. If ur comparing yourself, beating yourself up about it - that is not healthy/positive. Being enablers and codependents, the hero complex thing can be a lil dangerous for me. We need to be whole people, for each other, not trying to fulfill each other. We need to fulfill ourselves. In recovery, however, u can be ur own hero/rescuer. Watch out trying to save, rescue others, bc then it goes into a whole other mind trip.
What u focus on, grows. Focus on what u can do right now to empower yourself. Avoid focusing on your weakness and beating up the self. At a certain point, I began to focus on every little thing in my life that I could be grateful for and about and in a few short weeks, I felt pure joy again, like I had as a child. Anytime we focus/project on the future, it will bring up fear - the future is unknown to all of us and not reality. Reality is right now.
Focus on YOU. Im happy for you that u have an inspiring new love in ur life. Be the best partner u can be and u will be her hero. Love yourself and make u your first priority.
New love and intense pure love, is intense and scary. I know I would often sabotage relationships out of fear. Sometimes things were going too well & I'd mess it up. I dont have to do that anymore. I dot have to force anything, let it unfold and evolve naturally. Stay present and be honest - that will be being true to yourself.
I used to define "good relationships" based on passion. Now I understand it is about willingness to work together. Honesty and communication are vital.
Glad u found us, keep working it & kcb.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
