The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm two years out from leaving the A. In fact this weekend is the 2nd anniverary of my taking the dogs from him. That was one of the parts of severing the tie.
For me there was a long long road to leaving. The leaving went on long after I had left. In fact in so many ways I am still leaving that relationship.
Right now I am feeling the effects of having made so many bad decisions before. I stayed with the A long after it was tragic. That is my own not being able to see or deal with the consequences.
I am becoming aware that in my life I have never really been able to meet my needs. My relationships have all been about wanting someone to help me and instead having someone practically destroy me ( a repeat of my childhood needless to say).
These days I try to meet my needs and I can't say I am any good at it. I am responsible for myself and no one else and it is like living in a brand new place where I don't know the territory.
Aloha Maresie...How honest and courageous. You're growing and remember it's progress not perfection. The nitty gritty...keep your hard hat on while doing the tuff stuff cause at times you can knock yourself out. Don't want that to happen. Take it One step at a time and Easy Does It!!
I just realized from reading your post that that is what I am doing.Even tho it's been 3 years since my sober AH asked for a divorce because he was 'in love' with a woman he met online,I am still living with him.However in many ways I have left already.It's a slow process. I have been with him almost all my life...40 years,I was 17 when we got married.I didn't want to let go but also we had the issue of selling a house that is in a state of remodel.Nothing has been done on the remodeling,but I have been working my program and learning to see the world with new eyes.Managing my own money,paying my own bills.Learning about myself and who I really am after all this time. He also has been through many changes,the woman was not interested in him.We live as roomates,and have formed a friendship.It is lonely for me in a romantic sense but I am not interested in romance with him.Yet we are companionship for eachother. I understand what he is looking for because I have been looking for it also.We could not find it in eachother.We have talked about this. Whenever I think about selling the house and separating something keeps me here. I think I am just not fully gone yet.It's not that I am hanging on to any hope for a reconciliation.We are passed that.Too much damage has been done.I have forgiven him because I understand him.Now I just want to build a life for myself and become the person I always wanted to be.I want to do that here,in my house.For now.
I think I've been the same way my whole dating life. Now married, I also relied on my AH to meet my needs. It wasn't healthy for me. For 10 years I blamed him for not meeting my needs. It wasn't till I hit my bottom - with him - that I recognized I did this. HAAAA, I can't even do basic home maintenance without him. That bothers me.
So, slowly, I'm learning to do so much on my own. I feel empowered now. I feel better about myself.
I don't think you're alone. My mother modeled a relationship where she relied on my Dad for everything. She was not a strong woman. That's not what I want to show my daughter, and it's going to be a bit of a road before I can change things but I will.
I don't think you're alone at all. I think the fact you recognize it now is amazing. IP
Mary you have food, water and shelter, a job and your animals.
I would say you are on the road to the right direction for you!
You will feel comfortable and feel familiar with your life when you do! It just hit me last January! I am comfy, happy, feel joy, and am cooking, painting, sewing, grooming, etc.
A was really gone in 2002. So for me it took years. The struggle to keep my home has taken a tole on me.
Finally, thanks to my adoptive dad, have a guy who says he is almost sure he can get my loan amount way down. Day at a time, in HP's hands. I pray it happens. I am tired. (o:
Anyway I hope you know how consistant, reliable, and intelligent you are. My wish for you is to value YOU and get out there and get the career you want. Have you thought about going back to school at all?
Anyway as always I am very impressed with your program and your life. It is so hard to be alone in this world.
I certainly do have the issue of caring for others rather than myself. My modus was to enmesh, seek out what their needs were and hope they met mine. Some of them did in the beginning, the ex A did.
I can't say I am comfortable. The economy is terrible, I had a check stolen and the issue of replacing it will take months and I can't exactly say I have shelter as I am surrounded by people who are in chaos all the time. My dogs are well and I am happy about that but every day it is for me sheer survival. I don't have time for projects or for any leisure. Every single day is about getting to a better place. I have to find ways to save money because if the economy does not improve I may have to "exist" on less and I am prudently working for planning for the worst and hoping for the best.
I knew that leaving would be incredibly difficult. I knew I was in a real pinch when I left the ex A and I believe I had to be in some denial in order to do it in the first place.
