The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Went to my first meeting yesterday and OH Boy. I have/had no idea. I guess that most of us outsiders had no idea what a different life members lead. I got up explained my dilemma then listened to others talk, some were just like me when they started others were just like my girlfriend is/was. One thing I noticed though and this is after only one meeting so , I'm going to number two tomorrow. Only two of the 35 or 40 people there ever mentioned happiness in a or their relationship or actually even mentioned a relationship period. Many of the men where just like me (gave til their heart hurt them were dumped on.) and used the examples that I lived. Unfortunately many of the women some going now for 20 years sounded very angry and resentful of their past relationships. So they asked me to do at least 9 meetings and I agreed. It's very hard to understand that all I was taught in my life about being a gentleman, caring and helping others was tossed by several of these people. When I left I felt like the world's problems were all my fault. Oh well it was an experience.
Could this be a problem of mine. I never mentioned this but am a very faithful person, as was my partner. I have even been sent signs since this started to unravel. She has since lost her faith and the Holy Spirit is silenced in her at this time. She refuses to even pray or allow me to pray we we talk. She just today admitted that she's not following her heart but her brain. Talk about confusing.
-- Edited by Moe on Friday 4th of September 2009 10:40:44 AM
-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 4th of September 2009 10:44:29 AM
-- Edited by Moe on Friday 4th of September 2009 10:49:07 AM
PLease keep going.. there are some successes, to be sure, via Al-Anon.... you have to remember, that the "statistics", if you will, are stacked against us, when there are addictions involved.... Al-Anon helps us with life skills that are necessary for a successful relationship - it's only part of the bigger picture, and we are only one part of a relationship, but it's a huge start...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
i think its a bit early to jump to conclusions about the program. Give it some time. I'm here a number of years and after living with an alcoholic the mess is still with me. Al anoners have a lot of reason to be overwhelmed years and years out. Maresie.
I know for me each meeting in our area has a different feel becuase their are different members. I embrace the take what you like and leave the rest sometimes at my meetings.
I also keep in mind that the ammount of time in the program does not always equal the ammount of recovery one has. There are some "oldtimers" in my meetings that just haven't quite got it and then there are some new comers that just grow so fast becuase they just jump in and go with it.
I wish you luck on finding "your meeting".
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I don't know what else to say here. I'm supposed to go to my second meeting tomorrow. I just am wondering why at this point?
We talked for hours today and her biggest problem was she changed from the so called Courage to Change philosophy/Al-Anon ways. Shoot I didn't didn't ask her to change I told her I loved her anyway she was. The fact that I complemented her always and did things for her. Happiness now is an issue. Shoot she was happier then a big in poop until realized she changed.
What answers are you looking to receive in coming here and going to meetings?
Trying to understand the process. When you love each other like we do someone has to do something to understand what went wrong or try to repair the problem. I've always followed my heart and my God and has seemed to work. She is fighting what's in her heart, she told me that today. She has to balance between her heart and her mind, I don't understand the concept. I Want to if this is ever going to work.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 8th of September 2009 05:47:35 PM
Do you think you can work to understand your part in the relationship?
With your faith in Christ, do you think you'd be willing to "let go and let God" where she is concerned? Put her in God's hands and TRUST that God has a beautiful plan for her and for you? Trust that you don't have to shoulder it all?
Aloha Moe!! For me before and just after one meeting? I had to admit that I didn't know anything and didn't know that I didn't know so why struggle. "If you keep an open mind you will find help" mentioned at the closing of our meetings was the first "best" practice and idea I could have been given because that led to more open mindedness and more awareness. One of those awarenesses was that I didn't know anything and those that did had been coming to the program for a while. It wasn't suggested that I got to 9 meetings...it was suggested that I go to 90 of successively. Thank you God for that one because 9 only would have made me more confused, anxious, angry and convinced that everyone else was wrong but me. It could not have worked in 9 meetings and further more there were over 439 meetings a week of both AA and Al-Anon in my area so how big a problem was this?
Besides the "open mind" suggestion I was given the word, thought, definition, practice and mentorship on "Acceptance" which then led after much more time to the current definition of love I practice which includes everyone including yourself. "Love is the complete and total ACCEPTANCE of every other human being for exactly who they are." My alcoholic wasn't specifically mentioned in that definition and then she was still there huh? I was loving my alcoholic to death, putting so much weight on her shoulders, wanting her to respond to me in ways that she just couldn't or wouldn't...like trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip. It was of utmost importance that I get my wife and others to give me value, verify I was worthy until I realized that I was also in that definition of love and above all I was responsible for and to myself first. It is my job and I stopped making it the job of others. I am enough and so are others around me...enough and true love is HP love...unconditional and boundless. I hear more pain from you than love. Can you be a part of her life without standing in her shadow and can she cast a different one of her own and you feel secure? You don't have to answer those questions...just think them to yourself and consider them with yourself. How have you been doing and what have you been doing to get there? It has been said before that this is a selfish program, It is for me so that I can better my life and spirit, thinking and feelings...regardless of who else is in my life. Though I love my wife and like having her with me, I don't need her. I am responsible! You are responsible and your significant other is responsibile for our own lives and consequences.
Make a commitment that you will attend the program only for yourself...only. When thoughts of "her" "she" "what ever her name of title is" comes up, let it go and get out from under "her" shadow. Cast your own shadow. If you start thinking that you're not supposed to and that it's against your nature to or if you just "can't" do it...alter that to "won't" do it. Just some suggestions Guy to guy. I just hated being a slave to my alcoholic spouse.
"Went to my first meeting yesterday and OH Boy. I have/had no idea. I guess that most of us outsiders had no idea what a different life members lead. I got up explained my dilemma then listened to others talk, some were just like me when they started others were just like my girlfriend is/was. One thing I noticed though and this is after only one meeting so , I'm going to number two tomorrow. Only two of the 35 or 40 people there ever mentioned happiness in a or their relationship or actually even mentioned a relationship period. Many of the men where just like me (gave til their heart hurt them were dumped on.) and used the examples that I lived. Unfortunately many of the women some going now for 20 years sounded very angry and resentful of their past relationships. So they asked me to do at least 9 meetings and I agreed. It's very hard to understand that all I was taught in my life about being a gentleman, caring and helping others was tossed by several of these people. When I left I felt like the world's problems were all my fault. Oh well it was an experience.
Could this be a problem of mine. I never mentioned this but am a very faithful person, as was my partner. I have even been sent signs since this started to unravel. She has since lost her faith and the Holy Spirit is silenced in her at this time. She refuses to even pray or allow me to pray we we talk. She just today admitted that she's not following her heart but her brain. Talk about confusing." -Moe
I want to speak directly to your post. And I'm not exactly sure why you both are in al-anon but I wil tell you we can be very different here, as unique circumstances bring us. Some ppl marry into the disease, some are born & raised in it (acoa - adult child of alcoholic/addict), some are alcoholics that have a good program and have gotten around to the other side of things (double winners). Just bc someone is in al-anon (even for a long time) it doesnt necesarily mean that they have peace or serentiy.
What we learn in al-anon is to focus on us and not another person. We are codependents and enablers. We focus on other people, to the exclusion of our selves.
In alanon, Ive learned to cope with life, not create emotional crises out of them, not live in my fantasty world of perception but to actually deal with what happens in reality as it ocurrs. I do have peace, happiness and serentiy today but I have come a long way and naturally this is not where I started.
Happiness is an inside job. This is a spirtual program for very confused, hurt and complicated people. Facing yourself with brutal honesty is not easy.
I was taught to help others too and to marty myself for those I lvoed. The more u love, the more u sacrifice, right? Well, I nearly killed myself trying to give all of me. I had to learn to have some self preservation or I was going to die, period. I had to learn what self love was and how to detach from other people's issues, daily routines and emotions.
You cannot change ur gf, u can only love and accept her right where she is. If she is going through something in her spiritual walk, that is between her & her god/HP. If most of the people at that meeting seemed angry or bitter, perhaps u could find a healtheir group of alanons to emulate. I have learned however over time, that some of the poeple that seemed the most off to me, did ultimately have a lesson for me, it just took me a while to uncover it.
I believe god doesnt give us more than we can handle but we do need to lean on god to get through these experiences. This is an individual thing.
Alanon has saved my life and it wasnt bc I focused on what I didnt like or what I could not relate to, it is bc I applied program to myself & focused on what was good/working in the program -- I minded my own business if I felt critical of others and focused on me and learned how to love me first, so I could be more for others, ultimately.
I hope u can work on you & detach from what u do or dont like about what ur gf is doing. You are the only person u can control or change. Alanon is not the problem. If u dont like the program ur gf is working, work a better one for YOU.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Went to meeting 2 today. The crowd was much better then the 1st one. I related better to the people because I seen many more of me and her there so I related. There was actually a women there who did or is doing exactly a my G/F did to me and when she explained to me what I did as her husband is doing to her I understood not just listened. We'll see.
People recover at different rates just because someone has been attending meetings for a long time does not mean they are working the programme effectively. When i first started going to meetings I listened hard and after a couple of meetings it was very clear who was happy, serene who was working their programme. My sponsor always tells me to stick with the winner some people have been through lots of pain they have lots to work through this isabout you not them. Please give it another chance they say try six meetings if its not for you we will give you your misery back. Have you tried other meetings??
