The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok, So here the last couple of days I have been doin some much needed soul searching, and it came to me from a Loving Friend, that I Love others with an open heart, but... Myself... Not so much... I was not offended by this, by no means... but it did bring up somethings that I just never thought about...
I always thought that in Giving ALL of me to others, I was in turn "Loving MySelf", I see now that is about as far from the truth as I can get... For Honestly I learned this yesterday when I was out by myself shopping around for "Clothes Deals"... My Husband & Son went to look a property, and I had some free time and a couple Coupons for the local Department stores I like...So thought I would just get a girl day out of the house, and spend some time in the dressing room "Dreaming"... Well after my 1st attemp of tryin things on, I realized, "I Don't Love Myself"... I could not ONCE look in the mirror, and say... D$mn....This looks GREAT... It was more like "What the hell was ya thinkin when you picked this up, I can't look good in this!". It didn't get much better the second time around either...
After thinkin on it till I got to the next place, I realized I have ALWAYS been "Self Negative", I can compliment the Crap out of someone else, and truly mean it, but when it comes to lookin at myself, frankly I just dont care too...And I also don't know HOW to Except a Compliment... (EX.) My husband looked at me last Sun. and Said... "You really look Beautiful today, like your well rested, and glowin", My Response... "Well what the H$ll do you Want?", He just looked at me and shock his head...
I have ALWAYS had Low Self esteem. That is not a shock growin up ACOA... And even when I lost a bunch of weight and started lookin good, I still managed to "Self Sabitoge" myself... And honestly believe that is why I put 1/2 th weight back on...
So I have found myself in somewhat of a Slump... I truly want to regain (Well can't regain something I never had) but I would LOVE to just Love ME! I just don't know how to get there from here... I wrap my life around my Sons Soccer, Running Our Company, My Home, My Husband, and honestly, My little trip yesterday was the first thing I have done for myself (By myself) in some time... Yeah It felt nice "THEN" but then when I had to hit the market, and didn't get home till late, I felt Guilty for goin at all... And Really Guilty that I got a couple Shirts... "(On Clearnance of Course)"...
I guess I never really took the time...NOR Known how to take the Time for Self Love... I just don't know honestly how to get there from here... I can love the Crap out of some people sometimes to the point of suffication, but I just don't know HOW to give it to myself... I can't Physically SEE anything about ME that is worth the effort I suppose...
So What Now? So were do I go from here, now that I SEE I don't know how? How do I change 35yrs. of Self Hate, into the next 35 yrs of self love...Any of you ESH'rs I would LOVE to hear from... I did just order me a new Daily Reader called, Courage to be Me... I am hoping it will shed some light on me, my thoughts, but I would also like to hear how some of you hurdled this hump, and how you got thru to the other side... I SOOOO WANT that, just HONESTLY don't know how ....
You have lived a long time a certain way, I understand the wrapping you live around your kids, I also did this.....probably still do to a degree....it is going to take time dear friend for you to change, change is possible however, I thing it is a slow process.....
Picking up our heads again also takes some time, so pick up your head be proud of you.....I can galdly give you some more weight if you'd like...I am carrying way too much..lol...seriously...give yourself time...time is the only thing I know that heals all....sounds like you have made much progress...keep on the right track..try and remember it is progress not perfection...most of the time we expect way too much of ourselves...love yourself a little more...how nice the compliment from your husband must have made you fell....
Ok, So here the last couple of days I have been doin some much needed soul searching, and it came to me from a Loving Friend, that I Love others with an open heart, but... Myself... Not so much... I was not offended by this, by no means... but it did bring up somethings that I just never thought about...