The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello Everyone, I am new here and joined the group because I was distraught over my fiance's addictions. It seems that the first two steps were big eye openers for me. They were what I needed to hear! I got the 12 step book, and have been reading it, and re-reading it. What it says about instincts is really eye-opening. Conversely, I have also read Iron John, which talks about how most people are disconnected with their instincts. And here we all are, overruled by our instincts time and time again. Letting feelings and fears rule us. Thinking about these two veiwpoints has been so good for me. I am not one to subscribe to any one way of thinking... I am a gemini! I see both sides, I experience life in two ways. So my man is a pot head, and REALLY into his porn. I have made concessions regarding those two things in order to be with him.
The conflict I felt over my choice to be with him regardless of these issues was giving me a large degree of anxiety. I actually deluded myself into thinking he might change once we were married, once we had a baby, etc etc. I was trying to say things that might make light bulbs go off for him-- you know the game-- you want the addict to *see* the err of their ways and "come to". Well-- THANK YOU Al Anon!
I have a good laugh with myself now over that. That I was hoping I could direct him towards a life of no more porn and no more pot.... Ha! He's 48 years old! He's been into his habits since he was a teenager. Not likely that I stand a chance is it?! HOw funny to think I could. And how bizarre to want him to be any different than he is. I really had some control issues, ehe? I've simply let it go. I can't concern myself with his addictions too much. I haev to take care of myself, and leave him to his own resources.
Step one, and step two... wow. MY way doesn't work. NOt for him, for his addictions, and not for me. *I* was suffering ... sleepless nights, anxiousness over the "could" happens, feeling like I was either building him up into this great guy, thriving and happy, and then tearing him down into something despicable. The dichotomy was driving me crazy. You know, I don't think I was even seeing the real him. The real him, it turns out, is a humble man with a big heart. He has problems, far beyond my reach and scope of understanding. So I had to decide if I was still "In". Do I want to marry him knowing I'm signing up for a life of disfunction?
I have been lurking on this website and reading stories from other posters about their families and relationships, and I am touched to read other's stories. I find myself wishing there was more I could do to help. and meanwhile, I don't really have a story to share. I made concessions. "O no" Who cares? REally, I feel a bit foolish for needing a therapy group because of it! (not saying I can't use a little help tho)
Working on steps three and four are taking me a long long time. Being that honest with myself is hard to do. But I'm on a track to taking care of myself in a way that is truely life-changing. Thank you 12-Steps, thank you.
A big THank you to everyone here as well. I wish you all the best of luck, from the bottom of my heart. I admire you so much. I am sorry that I don't have much to contribute. I'd like to keep coming here. I hope it's all right. Woops
That was a ton of a share from you on you. I'm hoping you're getting into the face to face meetings and have a sponsor. If you do it only with yourself you're only doing it with the problem; same thinking same justifications. I'm reminded of a bit of Al-Anon philosophy about insanity..."doing the same thing over and over expecting different results." I needed new, different and refreshing responses to help me up out of the hold I was in. Al-Anon has so many tools so that we can get better.
thank you for taking the time to read my post and respond to it! I am gleaning so much good stuff from the website and the steps-- really I think they are useful for anyone. I feel so much better just finding these-- a f2f-- do you think they'd have me? Give me a sponsor? I feel like an intruder-- sorta like Marla in Fight Club attending the testicular cancer support group!
