The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am truly at wits end here and I just need to vent a little. My daughter has a boyfriend who just seemed to move right on in and I don't like it at all.
My daughter Samantha started college this fall, she has a beautiful daughter and a bright future ahead of her. However seems like she has found a leach. I have talked to her more than one time about this dude however, she doesn't seem to hear me.
He just seemed to move into my home without any caring of how things work here. Since I lost my hubby our income is not as great as it once was. We struggle these days to get thru month to month as most of us in this economy do. However, he is now laid off and collecting unemployment which is pretty good money for sitting on your azz. He's bringing in 500.00 a week, he just bought a brand new truck and today went and spent 600.00 on stupid rims for his tires. There are many days when my daughter is scraping gas money to get to school and he is staying here for FREE and is makes me angry.
I feel he could at least help her out if he is gonig to stay here for free.. Am I wrong to think he should buy some groceries. I thought about dividing the household bills into four since there is now 4 adults in the home I am not sure where I should go with that one.
The tention is awful, I can see the frustration in my sons face. I don't feel I should have to feed the SOB. I am angry and I am at wits end. Don't get me wrong but, I can not afford another adult in this house. I am doing the best I can for myself, my son my granddaughter and my daughther. When I see my daugher needs things and he doesn't even offer I mean he woln't even say here's 5 bucks for gas if I am broke she has to ask her gram.....Is this not crazy....
Am I crazy to expect this or am I normal if there is such a thing....
Ok I feel better. I know if I don't do something I am gonna get the anger get the best of me. My husband was an alcoholic but he was a very unselfish man in most aspects of our lives....I mean to say is his paycheck went to the home and the family until the alcoholism and addiction took total control.
This man is just selfish and I don't even want him to eat a peice of toast.....lol
Would be a good time for me to visit with my sponsor and get clear on things... make sure I'm not being unreasonable in any way, and then from there, discuss setting boundaries and the like. What am I willing to accept? What am I not willing to accept? What are my responsibilities, what are other people's responsibilities? Most importantly is figuring out how I can approach a discussion of the situation with the people involved in a respectful, fact-driven manner removing emotion where possible and if emotion does come up, sticking with "I feel" "I felt" statements.
Are u crazy ?? i don't think so . I think u have a right to ask for at least a 100 dollars a week from this guy four hundred a month is pretty cheap room and board if u ask me . Since it is your home it is up to you to approach him , your daughter may be annoyed but I am sorry she knows your financial situation and the struggle u have had this last yr === again if we don't speak up they assume that what th ier doing is ok with us . good luck Louise
Boundaries, establish boundaries and if he chooses not to honor them, then allow him the dignity of living his own life. Don't feel you and your daughter aren't worth it. You are!
Boundaries protect us.
love in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Gotta keep your spirit Andrea...Sounds like a bit of it is your daughter's doing and some his and some yours. Progress for me was learning how to say "Go" and "No" with love and commitment to my needs. I've done both and as I was told by others in the program it would work and it did. Superman language or better yet the language of recovery. I use to go crazy with the rationalizations and self promises and that's all I'd get c r a z y and c r a z i e r; until I learned what it sounded like to say those two words with love.
I use to ask my clients (recovery) in situations like yours if they would allow me to act that way in their house and they would adamantly respond "NO!!" I'd then ask them what would they tell me to do? and they would respond "GO!!"
Daughter's boyfriend living in my house?? Never. I have a rule, she is not allowed to sleep with a boyfriend in my home. It's simple, she is not married. I have stated this boundary, and we have never argued about it.
I know that my unmarried kids are having sex. Not under my roof, with my approval they're not.
Initially, I feared pushing my kids away with my boundaries. However, it hasn't worked out that way. It's actually earned me their respect.
Boundaries prevent resentments.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thanks for all the words of wisdom they have helped. Today is a better day, t hings always seem to look better in the morning.
I have decided to sit down and have a talk with them, my daughter and boyfriend, I think above all I feel my space is invaded.
My son is in school, senior year. Daughter is in college, and I was looking forward to time with just me and my wonderful g-daughter...and there he sits yuk....my space my time....I think that is the biggest problem....MY SPACE...we all need that...anyway, I have decided to take them out to lunch today and talk reasonable.
Okay girlfriend, how would you feel if you I plopped myself at your house and started mooching off of you? You wouldn't tolerated it from a friend, why would you tolerate it from this guy? You've been through many a hard battle. This isn't one of them. You know what you need to do and what you want to do. You can do this. After all your family has been through, you deserve some serenity and grandma time.
I have given a key to my niece so that she can come over here between classes. I came home yesterday and noticed a few things. Nothing major, but I have to tell her what I expect of her if she is going to come over. If I am helping her by saving her gas money then when she dirties dishes, she can wash them. She can make sure all the appliances are off. Just the simple things. But I know if I don't nip them in the bud now, they could get worse. I'd rather tell her now and if she doesn't like them, then she can go sit in the library between her classes.
This is my house and there are certain rules and expectations I have (regardless of who they are) when they stay with me. I am sure that is the same for you. Have a talk with them. If he doesn't like what he hears from you, then go find a room in a boarding house. They're cheap. Go get em' tiger. Love and blessings to you and your family. GO EAGLES!
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
sounds like you have to have some ground rules. I have been around many a leech. I also got very very frustrated. These days I have my shares of frustrations but I think boundary boundary boundary all the time.
