The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have attended Alanon on and off for a few years now, but have never attempted to work the program. My brother has been an admitted alcoholic for 7 or more years now, and was in denial for probably 8-10 years before that.
This summer, his long-suffering wife found out about an affair he had been having and threw him out. It has been a steep downhill spiral ever since. The disease has penetrated every part of his life that was still 'his', and he is now homeless, jobless, carless, and for all intents and purposes, childless.
This summer has been hell. Like I said, I've been in Al-anon before, I've read the One Day at a Time book, and I feel like I know what to do. At the same time, everyone around me (parents, his (soon-to-be-ex) wife, etc.) seems to be wanting to do all the wrong things, and wanting to drag me into it. I feel like there are some serious co-dependency issues there, and while I feel like I know how to set clear boundaries with my brother, I seem to not know how to set clear boundaries with the other people this has been affecting, and so I feel pulled between what is right for me and what others feel is right for them.
My mother is starting the Alanon program, but I fear that my father and my sister-in-law are lost causes. To top it all off, my fiance is an adult child of an alcoholic that has done an excellent job of detaching from her relationship with her alcoholic parent, and she doesn't have a lot of patience for the drama that has entered our lives, nor does she want it affecting our upcoming marriage (in December). I feel pulled in about 20 directions, and it has started to affect every other part of my life, it seems.
So that's where I am at. I have a lot of work to do.
Welcome aboard Dan! I can so identify with your post on so many levels. I have a sister that is addicted to pain medications and she has had my family jumping through hoops for years now. Everyone seems to have the right solution for "me" to fix her. I quit the job of family fixer about three weeks after my first meeting over five years ago and I still go to at least two meetings per week.
I treat her with respect and compassion just as I would any other individual that has a life threatening illness, however, her "stuff" doesn't come through my front door anymore. She has been shown the tools to deal with her disease and refuses to use them.
Reading Al-Anon's ODAT is not going to give you all of the tools you need to move forward. It has to be coupled with regular meetings, a sponsor and working the steps. If someone else's actions are messing up my life I know where I can get the experience, strength and hope I need to live a full, happy and productive life.
I read the following earlier today and it just fits this subject....
"They that will not be counseled cannot be helped. If you do not hear reason, she will rap you on the knuckles." --Benjamin Franklin
Keep coming back, you will be thankful that you did.
__________________
Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Yes, I am painfully aware that I have a long way to go to deal properly with my family as a whole and to deal with myself so that I can function in this environment. My brother is a typical alcoholic in that he can hide it so well, that most if not all of us thought he was sober for long stretches, and I suppose during those long stretches I figured I didn't have to work on it.
I guess I have a question that I am antsy to have answered though: how do I deal with my family members that are letting this current trainwreck that my brother is a part of throw their lives into complete and utter turmoil, and maybe more importantly, how do I help them to understand that, while I still love my brother, I am taking a stand to not let this throw my life into turmoil?
My dad just wanted me to go over to the motel that my brother is living in to check on him, because he can't get a hold of him on the phone. When I explained that I was not going to go over there, because I felt that was crossing a boundary, he was upset that I didn't care enough about my brother. When I then spoke to my mother, she told me that because it was "more than just alcoholism", she felt like they had to intervene - they believe he's depressed. I would agree that he is depressed, because he is living by himself in a motel with no job or car while 6 months ago he was in a house with his wife and family and had a nice job and a company car. Without making light of the situation, I'd be depressed too.
They are being ruled by fear - which I understand, I am fearful too of this situation and how it might play out. But I don't know how to make them understand that just because I am trying to detach from the drama, that doesn't mean I love my brother any less.
A lot of us grew up thinking somehow that if we don't deeply ingrain ourselves in other people's affairs that we're just selfish, cold, cruel people who deserve scorn.
I'm grateful for this program because it has provided me with one very powerful phrase that I turn to often when I start worrying that I must do things for others so they think nicely of me. That phrase is "What you think of me is none of my business."
If there's any advice I'd give, it's to start getting to regular face-to-face Al-Anon meetings, find a sponsor and start working the steps... as all of this will help you to find your answers for the millions of unique situations that will come your way as a sibling to an alcoholic and a relative to a lot of un-treated Al-Anons. (We Al-Anons and Alcoholics have some pretty freakishly similar ways we view things.)
I feel for you in your situation. While I can't directly relate, I know what it's like to be the only one who has detached. My ex-boyfriend's family welcomed him with open arms after I broke up with him as a result of his alcohol addiction while all along his mom was the one helping me to detach. I certainly wouldn't ever expect them to take sides, but to help him in his denial just blew me away! Now I'm the bad "guy." Nice!
Hang in there and get the support you need. It will most certainly help you gain understanding and insight on how to handle your situation.
Aloha Dan....I'm grateful for your post because it reminds me to go where I can get the best awareness and support. You have the experience of the program so I have one suggestion go in that direction. You're hanging around an example of detachment in your fiance...man that is a gold mind. Tell her thanks and go back to what you were taught to do. HP, meetings, literature, steps, traditions, sponsorship, service...walk it, walk it, walk it and then give it away to some other guys standing around looking confused. I think you already have the solution and you know a push won't get you there. You're own motivation has got to get you there.
It has always been difficult for me going against what experience told me I should do best.
