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I've done a lot of blaming of my father...he was a dry drunk, mean, angry, pissed off at the world, and never could say he loved me, never showed affection. It hurt. I could never figure it out. Now at almost 40 I've gotten it. I'm making peace. I get it. What's interesting is I've idolized my mom my whole life. She dealt with him, was the one who "took it" and yet, there is part of me who resented her too. She never stood up to him. She didn't leave him, and to this day she still, takes it. So in some ways, I blamed her too.
She sits and complains, and is angry and depressed at her life with him and my aunt who are the same..they bicker, fight and can be angry people and she sits in her codependent emotionally abused life and takes it.
I have tried a few times to give her some literature, but she turns a blind eye. There is nothing I can do. It's sad for me. I have to make peace with both my parents in some ways.
When I get a little money, I'm going to take my mom away for a weekend to pamper her. SHE'S WORTH it even though I know she doesn't feel like it. I don't want to push her. I definitely have found so much peace and strength that I'd love her to find, but I think she's given up at her age. She once said to me, "I don't get into that self help crap," So I even have to give her over to my HP.
I just have to share, because it's not just the alcoholics in my life, it's the codependents in my life that need help. It's my FOO that needs peace.
I understand the frustration of looking at parents who arent changing or helping themselves. I spent 25 yrs wishing for things to be different with my mom, I kept trying to force al-anon & self help on her. I finally just accepted her for who & what she is -- right where she is too. And u know what? It liberated me to be ablet o have fun with her when I saw her & no longer project what I thought was good, helpful or useful onto her. If I worry about her, I pray & give up my worry.
Another incident happened with my parents &my mom is still in denial of her AH"s problem. But I dont have to judge that, and Im not going to suggest amything or weigh in with my .02$ -- I am focused on my life & for the first time, am buys l;iving it. If she ever does want to change or use me to confide in, I am here to support & love her, I am free from judging her situation. win-win.
Now anytime I think, 'what so & so neeeds to do is ____' I tell myself it is not my plcae to judge them and I feel the love & acceptance (compassion) come in for them. I can support but today I am no longer over bearing.
Your weekend alone with mom sounds really fun, I hope u both have a wonderful time together.
Oh ya -- I guess I also realised (bc I too was mad at my mom for staying with an active A) that no matter what, it is her choice and she is activele choosing it, every day. She was quick to forigve him of his infidelity & together they worked to alter their relationship & redefine it. They are business partners and they are still married/connected in finances but both of them have other relationships/love interests. I did not like this & it took me over a year to accept what they were doing. Well, it's not my life, it is their's. They say what they are doing works. Can't really argue with that -- surely it is in my persepctive whatver issue I have with them. They are adjusting & still working together.
I guess for me, I felt like I didnt have a choice in a lot of what happened - it was them after all. I did have some forgiveness work to do to get passed that. So, I was a child & was in that situation. I was mad at her & blamed her bc she created it & allowed it to happen. I faced that stuff & let it go. I was holding onto unresolved stuff (issues/feelings) from childhood, early adulthood.
I felt like they betrayed me regularly. Lots of anger stemmed from that. She still says, just help me one last time & then that turns out to be not the truth. I can choose to help out or not, sometimes I do. Usually once I acknowledge I was "lied to" again, it is easier for me to let go of the anger, say to self, ok this happened again - a tiny betrayl. Then I can choose to help & be supportive or not.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I too have a mother who will not leave her a. She was married to my father who was an a and a cheater. After he cheated on her and they got a divorce, she married my step dad who is also an a. They have been married for 30 years now. I wish she could and would leave. I can see so clearly that he will never change. Some days I think she can see it too, and other days, I feel like she's in too deep to see. I pray for her and listen.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It's comforting to know that their are others that know what I am going through.
