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In this week I've had two f2f meetings and at least one meeting on-line that were about resentments. I think my HP is wanting me to take a deeper look at some of the resentments that I have. I am working my 4th step again and had completed the "resentment" portion of the BluePrint for Progress Workbook. For some reason I left my daughter off the list and when I talked in my Wednesday night f2f meeting all I talked about was my resentments at my daughter. Well I had to go back and add her to the "resentments" page. So the next thing that I did was read everything that there was to read in C2C and ODAAT on resentments. I thought I would share some of what I found out about my resentments.
First of all, one of the things that they did in my Wednesday night f2f was define resentments for us. Here are some of the definitions of resentment: a feeling of deep and bitter anger and ill will (Websters). Indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance (googled that one). a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistant ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult or injury. (googled)
Ok, my next question to myself was why was I so resentful at my daughter? I think I found the answer to that one on page 222 of One Day at a Time in Al-Anon: "When we are frustrated in our desire to punish the one we're angry at, we may take it out on innocent bystanders, sometimes even our own children."
I have shared this before, but I'll share it again. My daughter's dad is the victim of childhood sexual abuse from his alcoholic father from the ages of 3-11, plus every other type of abuse you can think of- physical, mental, spiritual, psychological and of course the sexual abuse (which included..ugh...leaving him with others who abused him in in that way).
The saga continues: my ex-husband has a sexual addiction to pornography which turned to child porn during our divorce. I found it on my computer. 'Anyway there are HUGE resentments towards him and his family because of this result of the disease of alcoholism (one counselor we saw as a family during this time said that the grandfather was a 'surpressed offender' and not a true pedophile, because he only acted out when he was drinking. I don't know whether I believe that or not, but it is just all sick in my book)
I am now divorced from this situation and have my ex-husband on supervised visitations with our daughter in a program called Project Safe. I had thought I had let it go and had even "forgiven" the ex-in-laws for what they had done (not for them, but for me and my sanity, I had to let it go and let God deal with them) but this seems to not be so, because I think I am taking out my anger at them and their indiscretions on my daughter, just because she has the same last name and is of the same lineage as them. Now how sick and unfair is that...but there it is...brutal honesty is part of this program.
Any suggestions on how to deal with these resentments would be greatly appreciated.
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I wouldn't call them indiscretions. I do absolutely understand that so much of my life is about wanting irresponsible people to become responsible. Sometimes they can't. One huge issue for me is in craving certain people to change.
I know I have to give that up and I als know its pretty hard going.
I don't really understand the counselors categorization. Anyone who even considers sexually abusing a child, substance or not is someone with real issues not a sub category of a issue.
You are incredibly brave to be able to acknowledge all this. So few people can. I have known many many people who have permitted their children to be around sexual abusers because they simply can't face the issue at all.
My daddy, I loved him so much. But when I was an adult, it became clear, he only contacted me when his ex, my mother and him were seeing each other again.
When he saw someone else, bye me and the kids.
Then he married someone from the Philipines younger than I. I got dropped big time. Began not showing up again and sending me $ instead.
He got sick would not allow anyone to see him. I begged to see him for only five min. no. Mother, my best friend, died. He did not even send a card. I called him on it. He said don't you think I am upset too?
sounds like an A doesn't it?
anyway he dies, NO ONE tells me. I get a letter in the mail of the will or whatever it was. He left everything to HIS daughter. The illegitiment daughter of his wife from her commiting adultery when married to him. HIS daughter.
I thought I was his daughter. I used to have this little plastic man Oc, I hung him in a bottle of water, I buried him alive, I burned his toes, I put him in my AH's sandwich, haha, finally I hung him in the toilet. AH could not find the humor in that one.
I sanitized him and took him to my brothers and tied him to his HO train track.
That was my plastic father.
I forgave him. I remembered how hard he worked from complete poverty as a child to give us a beautiful home, swimming pool, built us a teeter totter, a big wood fort, on and on. I felt loved as a child.
I still forgive him. My mother didn't. OC she died of breast cancer, I honestly believe it was the resentment she held all those years that fueled her cells into cancer.
I learned if I want to be forgiven I must forgive others. I remember love, which one of my definitions is Love does not keep account of injury. What good does it do?
Aloha OC...I love this post. It reminds me of the "use to bes" for me. Carrying resentments was like a career for me and when I got rid of one I replaced it with another justified or not. I was addicted to carrying resentments and being judgmental which justified my resentment practice. Thank HP that I found out that carrying resentments was a choice, intentional or not and that I could take the weight off...all of it by becoming willing and then practicing forgiveness and that has been already mentioned. I got willing because I wasn't willing to be so sick anymore. I didn't want to die crazy.
After I started doing my 6th and 7th step I held my breath kinda cringing from the maybe God will be mad at me thoughts. Those were crowded out with the awareness that my HP is unconditional love...there would be no lightening strikes or instand imolation...just forgiveness. To keep it all in balance I gave away what I received from my HP and from my sponsor and from this program.
Take the weight off!! Today my thinking is that there is absolutely nothing that has been done to me or that I think that has been done to me for me to give my serenity away to. My serenity is not that valueless. That is why I love your post because it reminds me how most valuable this spiritual serenity is to me. Besides I've asked my HP on occasions if past hurts are big enough to warrant a resentment. I've never gotten back a yes. If I can be forgiven for all I've done what would I want to hold back?
I've been thinking about your post a lot today. I think it depends on the circumstance and what you are resentful about. There are certainly some serious subjects here that I don't blame you for being resentful. I would too be.
For me I know I have been finding myself lately resenting the fact that I am alone again. I feel almost robbed of my life with Tim. I was going through some old receipts looking for one in particular. I came across one that was labeled "bad" . He bought vodka. I kind of just shook my head in disgust. I found myself getting a bit angry about it. I'm also resenting the fact that this has been a really tough year. I went to my jewelry box and realized that the neighbor got a piece that I had forgotten about. It wasn't expensive, but nonetheless it wasn't hers to take.
I finally had to tell myself to "STOP". This is life on life's terms. I had no control over these events. They just happened. I then got to thinking about my sister. Unfortunately I use her as an example of what happens when you let resentments take over your life. She has resentments going back 25 years when our Mom passed away. She has never dealt w/that. She also holds on to resentments when my late father married a horrible woman. Dad's been gone 10 years and she can't passed the fact the way this woman treated us. Add her addict husband and she's a pretty sick woman. It breaks my heart. Even though I have reached out to her she has no desire to do Alanon nor any other kind of counceling. It's her choice. But she's stuck and she's sick. I remind myself that if I let the resentments take over my life I could end up like her. I don't want that to happen.
I think it's okay to resent things for a while. It's even okay to pity yourself for a bit. The danger becomes when we let it fester and take over our lives. I try and take those negative feelings and redirect them into something more positive. Or maybe pour that negative energy and clean the patio. Doing something physical can often be helpful. I think at some point I just had to ask myself "Is feeling this way doing me any good? Is holding onto those feelings helping me or hurting me?" If recovery is about taking back my life, why would I want to put an obstacle like this in my way? Thanks for making see this again. Just what I needed. Love and blessings to you and the family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thanks for all your responses everyone. They were very helpful. I liked JerryF's comment the most, "I've asked my HP on occasions if past hurts are big enough to warrant a resentment. I've never gotten back a yes." This would be true of my in-laws sins (is that a better word than indiscretions, maresie?). I am not their judge. I am not God, they have their HP and they will have to answer to their HP when the time comes for these sins.
I have learned (from your responses, reading the al-anon literature, and sharings at meetings, on this topic) that I must forgive them in order to release my feelings of anger and bitterness towards them that is in effect eating me up. What's the saying? Holding a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die? I am only hurting myself.
"If I feel that what I am doing is right, I will not be dependent on the admiration or applause of others. It is gratifying, but not essential to my contentment. I will learn to judge my own motives, to evaluate my own actions, so that, little by little, I can bring them into line with my standards and ideals. Nothing has the power to hurt my feelings and stir up unwholesome emotions in me unless I allow it." p.21 ODAAT in Al-Anon.
I think this quote explains for me what I have to do today with these things that have happened in my life. I have taken proper measures to protect my daughter, so "I am doing what I feel is right" and that is all I can do. The rest I have to turn over to my HP and forgive the in-laws of what they have done and move past that, while not blinding myself with denial or subjecting my daughter to abuse by them. I can not hold a grudge against them because as Jerry said, "If I can be forgiven for all I've done what would I want to hold back?"
Thanks for the input everyone, Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
This is life on life's terms. I had no control over these events. They just happened. I then got to thinking about my sister. Unfortunately I use her as an example of what happens when you let resentments take over your life. She has resentments going back 25 years when our Mom passed away. She has never dealt w/that. She also holds on to resentments when my late father married a horrible woman. Dad's been gone 10 years and she can't passed the fact the way this woman treated us. Add her addict husband and she's a pretty sick woman. It breaks my heart. Even though I have reached out to her she has no desire to do Alanon nor any other kind of counceling. It's her choice. But she's stuck and she's sick. I remind myself that if I let the resentments take over my life I could end up like her. I don't want that to happen.