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After all that stuff happened with my husband the other day (getting suspended from work, possibly driving drunk, spending the afternoon in a bar), his brother decided to take away the car he was loaning him.
(My husband was in an accident back in July and totaled his car. His brother loaned him his car to use to get to/from work).
So now my husband is pissed off and is mad at his family. He says that he has spent his whole life helping out his family and supporting them and he can't see why they would get together to gang up on him and take away the car.
So now he has the attitiude of "to hell with them, I can do everything myself." He decided to go out and rent a car. I came right out and said that it wasn't a good idea. First of all, we can't afford it. And second, with the way he's been lately, the last thing he needs is to get into a wreck while driving drunk in a rental car. He basically said he doesn't care what I think and he's going to rent the car anyway. I then tried to (as nicely as possible) mention that fact that I was worried about him drinking and driving in the rental car. He assured me that he wouldn't do that.
So yesterday afternoon he got the rental car and went to run some errands. As soon as he got home, I could tell he had been drinking. Later in the evening, I went outside to make sure there were no dents or major damage to the rental car, and I could easily see a brown paper bag sticking out from underneath the passenger seat. As I got closer, I could tell there were empty cans of Mikes Hard Lemonade in the bag.
So now I know he was drinking and driving in the rental car. What do I do? I could say nothing and let things happen, afterall this is his decision (no matter how stupid I think it is). Or do I tell him that I know the cans are in the car and remind him that he shouldn't be drinking and driving - especially in a rental car - especially when the Labor Day DUI Task Force is starting up early - especially when he's being offered a great deal for his DUI case and if he gets another DUI the deal is off the table? Then I have to think, what good is it going to do to say anything to him. Will it stop him from doing it again? I doubt it. it could make things worse and he could do it again just to spite me?
This really sucks! I feel like my life is falling apart (through no fault of my own) and I'm powerless to stop it. Any suggestions please?
From what I have learned if I was you and confronted him he wouldn't care or he would just get angry and I would be starting an arguement. What is your motive in confronting him? To make him stop drinking in the car? Isn't that trying to control him?
I can relate with drinking and driving my A did it often.
When I was stuck in this situation I would just write it all down on paper, everything I wanted to say to my A and then put it in my god box or rip it up and throw it up.
Live and Let Live
Let go and Let God
This too shall pass
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Unfortunately, the reminder will most likely do no good. You've said it once, he knows it and did it anyway. Kudos to his family on pulling back and not enabling him. I know it's rough but you remain powerless over this disease and his actions. I would suggest trying not to project what could happen. Living ODAT always works best. Worrying does no good. It's a waste of energy that could be used otherwise.
I've had to remind myself about worry with medical issues pertaining to my Mom. She has a lemon sized cyst on her brain. The medical community is not acting fast enough (IMO) and she knows no more then she did 2 months ago. I am powerless.
I can spend hours wringing my hands and worry, or I can keep moving forward and detach from thoughts related to the fear of what could happen. I just can't live in that place and be mentally healthy (I tried for a few days).
Today, she is OK and I am OK. ... whether I worry or not.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy on Friday 28th of August 2009 10:34:47 AM
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
If it were me... I would just make sure that I am not legally or financially responsible in any way. IE I would make sure my name wasn't on the credit card that was used to rent the car, I would probably file a legal separation to make sure that any debt that he accrues from this point forward is his alone. You can be legally separated and still live together it just cuts the financial responsibility tie.
I can guarantee that he already knows he shouldn't be drinking and driving.
It always seems like if we could just talk some sense into them, they'd turn their lives around, doesn't it? But it's funny that even sane people don't take advice, much less people operating out of insanity, like alcoholics.
Remember that you can't control it, etc.
How are you going to take care of yourself?
Do you have a bottom line or a boundary for you, as far as his behavior is concerned?
Thanks everyone! I guess I kinda already knew that confronting him would do no good. I just wonder how bottling my feelings up will affect me. My mom says that she is still very bitter to this day for all the things she never said to my Dad when he was drinking and he's been sober for almost 25 years now.
Mattie - I don't have a bottom line or boundary set up, but I feel like I'm getting there. Things are starting to spiral out of control because of his actions and I don't want my son and I to be buried under all the crap when it hits the fan.
Any amount of confrontation and reminders to my AD resulted in absolutely no change in her behaviors.
She continued to do what she did, and I got sicker and sicker in the process because I was so enmeshed in her life that I couldn't even think straight.
Today, at age 31, she is still active in her disease. She's morbidly obese, already has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease from being a heavy smoker, hasn't worked in over 10 years, is fighting to get disability so she can sit on her can the rest of her life, and really just has no goals in life.
She occasionally calls, and unfortunately my 14 year old granddaughter has now chosen to live with her (both grandkids were in the custody of their dad), so communication will be more frequent.
However, she is no longer welcome in my home, and I no longer get caught up in her disease.
I got off the crazy train before it derailed, and I am so grateful I did!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Save the speach he knows it by heart , he is a big boy he knows better but this disease tells him he is smarter than the average joe at the moment , something I heard years ago helped me alot . I also congratulate his family for not helping him anymore , until everything fails , no one supports his behavior or believes the lies and promises nothing will change , buckle up it could get rough .
The more I try to open someones eyes the more they close thier ears.
I don't know your state laws. For me I took care of me. I got a legal separation so nothing of mine could be taken from me when he got into trouble.
He can still live with you with this.
I made my own bank account. I had him to a simple legal paper saying I was the owner of my house not him.
My vehicles were in my name. I locked my money, pills, jewelry away.
That is my esh. I protected me and my stuff.
Also if I were you I would call the rental company and make sure you are not liable for it when he wrecks it or it gets impounded. It will happen you know.
You do not have to say who you are.
We can do NOTHING about them. Confronting, ultimatums do not work. Remember, number one. "I am powerless." We can only change us. Protect us.
It will make you feel so empowered,strong. I would sure plan and put into force a way to make it on your own too.
I share this esh all the time. Live like you are the only one there. So when he leaves and/or the disease tries to strip you of everything, it won't have any power.
My AH was icing on the cake from the beginning. But in my ignorance, I did not realized the immensity of what the disease will take.
Thank HP my animals and I have a home and are doing well.
I agree as much as I wanted my A's to understand my point of view -- it still has not happened. Ive tried confronting them and gotten laughed in my face while I was crying & being vulnerable... they really don't care.
Do what u can to protect yourself legally/financially. I know it sucks but either that or be legally responsible.
At least in doing this u may feel empowered bc u are stepping up and protecting yourself.
Ive heard of some spouses calling the police to report their drunk driving A's. This only works if they actually do catch them driving.
I'm sorr y ur mom felt like she had stuff and no place to take it. I hope u have found a face to face mtg that u like and a sponsor to work with b/c al-anon is the appropriate place to bring our feelings & we do understand. Focus on you, what u can do to empower yourself today. I would suggest to ur mom if she is still bitter about the past to write a hate letter to her husband or check out some al-anon with you. It is a relief to get it out. Keep working it, we'r here for you (((((( hugs ))))))
Remember confronting him about what he is doing, will only be gettting an emtional rise out of you & feed & fule the disease, they want us to be upset & focused on them -- practise to focus on you - the one u can change & control. Take care.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Interesting that your mom attributes her bitterness to the things she never got to say -- more so than to his drinking? I said all those things that your mom never said, and boy, it never got me anywhere. I might as well have written them in a letter, read it to myself, and torn it up -- it would have been less frustrating. I wish I'd taken that energy and put it into moving ahead on my own life.
Strength to you. None of this is easy. But protecting yourself is invaluable.
First, protect yourself and your son, financially, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, whatever you have to do at all costs, detach, separate and make a back up plan.
I also might consider reading up on boundaries. If you have none, he knows it. There is nothing you can do about his drinking, but there is a lot you can do to protect yourself and your son.
N8SMOM - do you have the little flyer on Detachment?
It is fantastic. I highly recommend it. It's probably about the only thing I've seen in Al-Anon literature with specific instructions... "Do's" and "Do Not's"
Skip on over to a meeting and snatch one up. :) If you already have it, try reading it again and see if there's some things in there you can be doing.
