The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in a spot myself that at some point or another that someone I had MUCH respect for has let me down... And before Al-anon my 1st reaction was to just "GO OFF", Fight Back to the point were THEY Feel as Bad as I do...
Since Al-anon... I realized I have to sit back, Absorb what happened, and then React or Not react in a way that best suits me.. I have learned that ALOT of things are Out of My Control when it comes to the "Doing" of someone else... I can't control them, but I can Control me...
When I get in a tough stop I begin with my Sloagans...& My Serenity Prayer....
Let Go & Let God One MOMENT At A Time This Too Shall Pass EASY DOES IT...
You being the expert here, I am sure you already know all these things, but sometimes when we are in the heat of the moment the easiest things are the hardest to do...
I had a very near and dear friend say some very hurtful things to me in a letter one time. It had to do with her watching my daughter and that I was taking advantage of our friendship. Although to some extent this may have been true, I always asked her if it was alright to leave my daughter with her and she had always said yes. Her daughter and my daughter were best friends, so this made it harder.
The blow-up insident happened during the seperation and divorce from my daughter's dad, actually while we were still trying to work things out, so to her i was always "dumping" my daughter off on her and taking advantage of this. As I said, I always asked first and she always said yes.
Anyway....the letter was very mean and cruel and cut me deeper than anything I had ever experienced before. I went down to the creek (this was when we lived on the 100 acre farm) and screamed my heart out...I mean there were sounds that came out of me that I didn't know I could produce! That's the first thing I did.
The second thing I did was to write a letter back to her (which I did not send) that told her EXACTLY how I felt about the whole ordeal and how badly she had hurt me. There was a lot of cussing in that letter and I don't cuss. Well I had the good fortune of having a good counselor at the time and she helped me write and rewrite the letter till it came down to something that I could respectfully send (Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean). And I sent it.
Eventually the friend and I talked, but it took months...now we are back to being "friends" again but I think the letter she sent did some permanent damage to the relationship. It's not that I haven't forgiven her, but words said in haste can't be taken back. It's like if I had sent the first letter I penned we would probably not be friends to this day. I am glad my counselor helped me work through the grief process with this friendship and helped me to understand my part in it and how to mend the broken pieces.
This is just my story and it may not pertain at all to your situation, but at the very least journaling helps. Sometimes writing our feelings down on paper and then re-reading them later and re-writing something to send to the person that offended us can work and sometimes it can't. If nothing else works then all we can do is Let Go and Let God, and let time take it's course, as Melissa said.
Respectfully yours, Overcome
P.S. I just read today's reading (Aug. 27) in ODAAT it has to do with "taking offense" to what someone has said to us. It is a good read and kinda pertains to what we're talking about.
-- Edited by Overcome on Thursday 27th of August 2009 01:36:48 PM
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I can still be had too. When I am had I remind myself that I don't have to run around with my shield up all the time and that being vunerable gives me opportunities to experience and grow somemore. I get to use the power tools of the program, acceptance, compassion, understanding, forgiveness and love "Anyway" and "All the time". I get to look at the examples where I gave it and them permission to hurt me. Maybe my expectations and assumptions were way out front and I had been figuring I was cured and could never be hurt again or maybe that good people sometimes go bad (or is that animals? I forget). Maybe I opened a wound and pursued looking at it rather than letting it go and helping it heal. Maybe I was in the wrong place and the wrong time with the wrong person doing the wrong thing for the wrong reason.
"This too will pass" is always a good mind set for me, cause it will unless I wrap it in velcro and attach it to my upper torso. "Love anyway" is also a good mind set for me, cause now there are too few enemies in my life who I won't genuinly smile at and hug. Feeling hurt and pain tells me I'm still alive, still breathing and still have the opportunity to let another know they don't have to be fearful and instead can be loving.
No one has the power to hurt Debilyn unless she lets them.
I remind myself that what people think of me is none of my business (this helps some) that it is just an opinion. Then I might look at the fact that maybe I put them on a pedestal or gave them more value then they deserved... we're all just people & make mistakes & have bad days.
If it was designed to intentioanlly hurt me - I bear that in mind to and can choose not to give it any credit. It is just words, unless I believe it.
(((((( debilyn )))))))
Don't allow anyone to let u feel less than.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
So many different slogans apply to this. One of the first that pops into my head is "Hurt people, hurt people".
The "what other people think of me is none of my business" idea as was mentioned above is also so true.
For me the first thing I have to do is stop blaming myself when someone else hurts me. Because I have the tendency to want to start looking at what I did to cause it. And I may have done something, and I may have not done anything. If I was hurt in retaliation for a hurt I did, I have to own up to my part and understand. If I didn't do anything to directly contribute to the hurting I accept no guilt. Sometimes other people hurt us because they misunderstand something we did, sometimes because of something some one else told them...or sometimes they are just in a bad place and lash out.
But getting hurt happens. When it does, I try to feel it, deal with it then move on.
When I was 8 or 9 years old my Grandfather yelled at me for trying to play him a song my dad had taught me on the piano. I was crushed. I loved my Grandpa and he was always nice to me. I carried that hurt around for years. YEARS. After I came into Al-Anon I found that hurt still in there when I was doing my fourth step. With new eyes I realized my grandpa had been drunk at the time he yelled at me. I had learned about the effects of alcohol on personalities. I knew he loved me. He never yelled at me again from that day until he died many, many years later. But I had still carried the hurt and had lost some of my trust of him.
I forgave him almost 30 years later, after he had passed.
Don't carry the hurt around that long. Forgive the person who hurts you. Forgive them for yourself, so you can let go of the hurt.
No one is perfect. Not me. Not you. Not the offender, no matter who they are or how much we love and/or respect them.
Early in my recovery, I put several people up on pedestals. I learned I can't do that because eventually they fall off, and I am hurt. They are human and fallible just like me. Sometimes we hurt each other.
((((((((Debilyn))))))))
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I try to remember that most people are doing the best that they can at any given time. And then I remind myself of my bruising easily, my high tolerance for pain and habit of over empathising .... after a long internal discussion I somehow find the balance and find peace with either accepting that someone is not who or what I thought they were or that I need to let go of my pain because I value them more than it. I'm kind of ashamed to admit it is similar to riding the middle of a seesaw in my head.
Before all that happens snuggling with some furry purring or snoring creature and having a good cry helps alot.
Lotso love sent from this house of human and creatures to yours! Jen
As Kitty said it is none of my business what people think of me. And what helps me is that they can be whomever they want to be. Acceptance of them as freed me.
Wow you guys got me thru this tough day! I learned from each and everyone of you.
David, I did not get your,"HURT people, hurt people" until hours and hours later. lol. Sometimes I am like a stuck record, just give me a shove.
yes you all helped me. It does not matter that the situations were not exact, what mattered to me was the feeling it gave us and how you guys shared how you got thru it.
NO one is up on one or the other here at MIP. We all are learning at different pace. We all have different things we "get" that maybe another has not.
What I am learning is how I want to respond or not, to others being inappropriate to me. You guys have so much wisdom.
I isolate myself, always have. More I am comfortable most times with my aloness. Was always off riding my horse or walking our dogs. And here I am alone on the side of my mountain.
So when encounters happen like this one, I need to throw it around with our family. I want to learn from it.
I hate suffering. NOT me, others. Am a mother bear for my loved ones. But realized I did not know exactly how to do that for me without letting that hurt get in the way.
My AH said and did horrible things, but it was the disease. So I learned to not even give it any energy. Maybe that does not matter? That when anyone treats another badly, I need to let it flow right over me.
"I am rubber, you are glue, what you say, bounces off me, but sticks to you." lol A neat past boyfriend used to say that.
I do have to say, though, I do not put any human on a pedistal. But still liked the thought, and the thought of what birds do to it. lol
It was seriously a matter of respect. But this is how i work. I don't trust or not trust. People will show me sooner or later if they are to be trusted.
My mother was very, very shy. Of course that rubbed off on me. Have never been able to be around conflict.
Never had to until I started working. Administrators are the worst.
But after many years of seeing their true agendas, I realized, a persons positioin means nothing. It is how they use that position.
Been up here for ten years now with little interaction with the world. For this to hit me at home was rough.
Debilyn, I could really identify with your last post, so true, and I love the rubber and glue one, very neat, thanks for postings, thinking of you and sending good vibes your way
(((((DEB))))) The "pre Alanon me" would have asked you for directions to his/her house to open up a can of whoop A$$ for anyone messing with my friend and such a GREAT person!:)
The "progressing me" keeps thinking that when that has happened to me lately I just remind myself as hard as it is that "this too shall pass" and I look down at my feet and remind myself that I am in the exact place my HP wants me to be and that I can trust Him and trust that tomorrow will be good for it is planned in love".
It's so hard when we get hurt. Sometimes I just have to literally force myself to just be still and except what is at this very moment, whether it be confusion, hurt, or anger and know that it is part of a learning process that my HP has for me and I will get through it.......and I know in my heart you will too!!!
Please take care of you DEB:)
Love and peace
shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Whenever my feelings are hurt, if it's something that was said I can try to apply what another thinks of me if none of my business, I can get out a Q-Tip (quit taking it personally)...that reminds me to not internalize what was said or done. Like another member replied, the words (or doings) of someone else affects me only if I allow it. I choose not to give anyone that kind of power over me. Being upset with someone robs me of energy and I will ask myself how important is it? especially if the situation blurs over into my serenity - by giving someone (a situation) any of my energy can be draining and I simply prefer to be happy. Me? Myself? I choose the happiness option whenever possible.
How important is it if I feel they have their facts or thoughts wrong, that I need to prove to them otherwise? For my need to be right? In life there's bound to be disagreements with people it's my reaction, how I handle it, if I choose to overcome it that's up to me and I can ask myself what part did I play? Personally in my life I have a handful of people that matter enough for me to share what is my business, what I truly feel is important. From what you've shared I would ask myself is worth it to me? for my own serenity.
There are some wonderful replies here and I would try to focus on the good, you can find the comfort and serenity by working it. Let go and let God.
true, I don't want anyone having power over my emotions. Liked the one that words are just words unless you believe them.
I don't have to change anyones mind about me. My true supporters/loved friends will use their own opinions about me. Just as I do for them. I go by my own experience.
LOL Whoop a** giggle, yep vengence is not my job is it? Thank goodness becuz I would be trying to change them to see their ways, and find their heart and try to make them ok. Gads I just did that!
lol yes the rubber/glue. Had a big time guy, women wanted him, football player, very handsome, lol I didn't care. He was fun, I would throw blackberries at him and cover himi in them, was not afraid he was too cool to play. I had bad pms, he told me he never knew if he was coming or going. I went thru a time of being such a B. lol Kept him on his toes.
yes we are all imperfect. I have no idea what pain this person has.
OH it was not gpa that said that hon, it was the disease. As much as you loved your gpa, he loved you more. I was blessed and spoiled by two. God I loved my grandparents.
You all helped me to understand what people think is none.....
I never got it before. I liked the reminder that this will pass. It does, nothing stays the same.
The thing is, even though a couple people were trying very hard to get into my hard head.....I had to learn for myself. BUT next time what they said and you, I hope to do better.
I will say it showed me some true colors of another person.
yes you are right oc. sometimes some things cannot be taken back. I sometimes have to forgive myself for not being able to forget certain things.
I never thought I would forgive someone cheating. But now I see it is the person I love, they don't have to love me back. I didn't change, they did.
Oh wow I remember the wanting them to feel as bad as I do, from looooong ago, before al anon.
Now I feel bad because I would never wish that on anyone. Of course it will come back and bite them. What you put out, you get back.To be honest it really is serious what happened in my beliefs, I don't want this person to have to answer for it but again it is not my job to decide.
And yes, time.... so right. time with work. not just time sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
I thought something important was taken from me. In reality it wasn't. In fact, I am so filled with knowing you guys really do care. You all don't even know how much all your wisdom and shares mean to me.
deb who's darn parrot is chewing the buttons off her painting shirt...rrrr
