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This is my first post! I have been lurking here for several months and have been attending f2f meetings for 2 months now. My alcoholic husband is sober 2 months too, following a 5 day stay in detox and a successfully completed IOP. I am struggling so much these days with trying to control him and his sobriety. We had an argument last week (because I suspected he was drinking--he insists he wasn't) and he said, "I wasn't **that** bad when I was drinking."
He is having a very difficult time with a variety of life circumstances and shared with me that he wants to drink--that he doesn't know when or where--he won't do it around me or our kids, but he really wants to. I found myself spouting off AA slogans to him and doing my typical trying to "fix" it. He called me on it and asked me to "please stop." He said that my trying to fix leads him to have sobriety for ME and our kids -- not for himself. He has been going to 2 meetings a day for the past 2-3 days and reading the literature, etc., so he's doing the right things (although no contact with sponsor or one on one contact with other recovering people) But I still struggle with wanting to tell him what to do, who to call to reach out and process this, checking his phone, obsessing about where he is if he is late, etc. Honestly, I am doing the same thing and having the same worries that I had when he was drinking. I see him close to relapse and I am terrified of the next steps for me. It is so difficult for me not to try to control outcomes. "Let Go and Let God" is the most comfort for me tonight.
Any thoughts or similar experiences would be very welcome to me right now. I need to get a sponsor for myself, but I'm really not sure how to go about this.
Boy, I have sure been in that place too. That fearing it was all going to fall apart any moment and living on a knife edge. And then it becomes all about the drinker, doesn't it? Instead of about us. When I read that I could be okay even if my A was drinking, I could hardly get my mind around that. I began to see that when he's drinking, it's like a black hole is sucking him in, and if I wasn't careful, I'd get sucked down into it with him. I think detaching must mean keeping one's balance and not letting the gravity of the black hole drag us down. With them or without them, we can be okay. Whether they're drinking or not drinking, we can be okay. You already know that you can't control his drinking, right? I remember how urgently I wanted to control my A's drinking, because I was full of fear that I couldn't survive without him. People kept asking me what my bottom line was, and I knew I didn't have any bottom line: whenever he did something worse than the last time, I'd think, "Okay, I thought I couldn't put up with that, but I'll just set another boundary and that will be my bottom line." Meanwhile life got crazier and crazier.
It takes a lot of strength to butt out of the alcoholic's life and stop trying to control all the uncontrollable things. I finally realized that all the frenzy of trying to deal with his life gave me a big excuse not to start tackling my own. Your A is either going to drink or he's not. But what's your life going to be like?
About sponsors, they always say to find someone with the serenity you wish you had, and ask them about sponsoring you. Going to a lot of f2f meetings should give you the chance to hear a lot of people. It sounds as if you could use a lot of extra support right now. This is a really challenging situation to be in. Be sure to let Al-anon support you.
I definitely struggled with the same "control" issues, as whatever my ex-AW was doing with her sobriety, was never good enough for me, nor the way I would have done it....
I had an awesome sponsor, who called me on my "stuff", and told me I was trying to control her.... I remember a couple of specific things that helped me....
1. "This is a perfect time to work on YOUR recovery".... wow, that one hurt - who the heck would have known that I needed my own recovery - after all - SHE was the alcoholic.... I was just the innocent bystander here..... hmmm.... damn, he was so right....
2. "Think of it like trying to control the weather".... that analogy really helped me, as we obviously have ZERO control of the weather outside, aside from being able to dress up or dress down, take an umbrella, etc...
3. "Step One is empowering, not a weakness".... this one really hit home for me as well.... if we accept the "Three C's", then we accept that we cannot "cause" his sobriety anymore than we can "cause" his drunkeness.... What a relief it was, when I finally accepted that I was NOT responsible for this person, their choices, etc.....
Hope those help - they helped me during this period...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
