The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I got through the day ok. Did alot for myself. Worked on some projects along with school work. But all the while, in the very back of my mind, I couldn't help but think that today is my exbf's birthday. It was difficult to let this day go by without sending him a card, an email or making a call. But I didn't.
It's been just over a month since I broke up with him. While I am doing so much better than I was I still miss him terribly. I miss his calls and his calling me his baby. I miss his supporting friendship (when he's sober, of course). I still haven't been able to sleep in bed between the sheets because I expect to see him there. Instead I've been sleeping on top with a blanket.
I know I can't be with him because of his problem. I know I did the right thing by enforcing my boundaries and letting him know his alcoholism is unacceptable. But will my longing for him ever go away?
I keep the focus on myself but thoughts of him still creep in the recesses of my mind. It stinks!
I think about my ex all day every day. It has been about a month for me too and I'm asking the same question... how long. My ex is not an A and he broke up with me. I think loss of love is probably one of the hardest things in life to face and get past, it's right up there with a death of a loved one. I know I have been through worse, I left my AH over 3 years ago and had a VERY hard time for a VERY long time but as time goes on it does get easier. Right now I just try to reflect on my experiences in the past and how much worse they were than this is. I try to think about the reasons we are not together anymore. It helped me to make a list of reasons not to go there again when I left my A and keep it by my bed because night time is usually the worst. I try to think of the things that I'm grateful for i.e. this time I have FRIENDS to call and go out with, I have so many other things to focus on and it gets easier with time. I think about the fact that I know I'm getting better because I have gone days without crying over him. In the beginning it seemed I cried all day long now it's rare. Hope some of that helps, I'm not sure which is harder being the one doing the breaking - in which case you usually have the power to have them back if choose and you have to fight yourself not to OR being the dumpee and wanting them back but not being able to have them.
In order to sign my little guy up for a "Divorce and Separation" class, I had to take him to a psychologist for an intake. As I was re-hashing my story, I told the Dr. about all I had done and was continuing to do to protect my kids and keep them healthy, but that I had doubts about the effectiveness of it all. She made the point of saying that what I was doing was laying the foundation, and that perpective comes with time; that my kids won't be able to see what I have done or begin to appreciate it until years down the road.
I share this because I believe it is the same for us. Perspective and healing take time. I have known my ex for 26 years, more than half my life, and now he is a stranger to me. It took quite a while before I could admit to myself that what we had really wasn't very good, and that I didn't love him anymore. Alcohol/addiction was a huge part of our dysfunction as a couple, but now I can see it was much more than that. It has taken me over two years to realize that the relationship we had was unhealthy, and what we had did not make me happy. For so long I hung onto what could be and should be, and what I wanted to be, instead of just what was and is. It was so easy to hang onto that fantasy, and I wanted it so much that at one point I was willing to sacrifice all I believed in to hang onto it. Sooner or later it all comes down. Sounds like you are on top of the game.
You did good, HAWK, and it does stink, no doubt about it, but it will get better with time. As you work this program and focus on you, you will come to see how strong you are and be truly proud of the the decisions you made to take care of yourself. I still have a lot of work to do, getting rid of resentments is on the top of the list, but I tell ya what... it IS better, and it will get better for you too. Hang in there.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
