The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am writing this with a very heavy heart and just a feeling of defeat. My (supposedly sober)BF who just moved back in not 6 weeks ago after a year separation to "get clean and sober" was a little surprised when I walked in the door about 3 hrs earlier than expected. Well, as the title says, he was drinking and tried to hide it by running upstairs and throwing the bag with the beer and nip behind the bed. Now, I have to laugh here because us Alanoners must have extra sensory perception because I knew something was up and it took me literally 5 minutes to find out what. Why do they do this? I will never understand this disease. I am sad because I did everything I was supposed to do; set my boundries and when they were broken I followed through with the consequences (he had to move out). I gave it a year of me getting myself better and in program and allowing him to hit his own bottom and get better. I made sure we both understood that getting back together (especially because we both have a child) was only going to happen with clear boundries; he had to be sober and he agreed. What upsets me the most is the lying/sneaking. I was suspicious a few times in the past couple of weeks but thought it was just my paranoia and now I know I probably should have trusted my gut. I'm sad that I know in my heart that I cannot live with an active A, or someone who I can't trust. I won't put myself or my son in that situation ever again. I'm sad that I have to let someone go who I love deeply. I miss him and he isn't even gone yet. But I am grateful to Alanon because without this program I would be sitting here sobbing and sick to my stomach and feeling like I had no hope.....but I'm not. I'm peaceful because I know that my serenity depends on the boundries I need to ensure in my life. No more crazy dance for me, no more nights of getting followed around the house being screamed at in a drunken rage, I will never again go through any of that thanks to this program. I am stronger now, sad but stronger. thank you everyone for listening
I am so inspired by your boundaries and your clear-headedness. Alcoholism is so relentless. I finally told my AH he had to leave when I found out the statistics for alcohol recovery. Naively, I had an idea that he would just go to AA and get fixed and then everything would be good. It was sobering (!) to learn how hard it is to escape the clutches of alcoholism -- that the vast majority of drinkers don't stick with the program, and get sucked back into the hole of alcoholism. Not that thousands of people haven't overcome the disease. But that, speaking plainly, the odds are against it. My AH had been through DUIs, losing his license, court-ordered rehab, his own rehab, the works. When I found him drinking again (you're right, we develop radar), I knew I couldn't hack a life like this. It hurts, though. I guess the good part is that we stay with the hurt and get through it, instead of trying to shove it down with drink. The whole thing is awful, but it's so good that you are taking care of you and your child.
I was suspicious a few times in the past couple of weeks but thought it was just my paranoia and now I know I probably should have trusted my gut.
Mass, I can relate to your post. I remember this feeling well, feeling like I was always on the look out, intuitively knowing that lies were being told, but having no proof to validate my intuition. Then the situation would unravel (aH would be backed into a corner) to expose that the A is indeed lying, drinking, disconnected from the life that I thought we were sharing (reality), etc whatever the case may have been at the time. And that in a nutshell was the life I lived with my aH.
For my own sanity, I have chosen to end this relationship. We have a 5 yr old son. I care for him deeply and it is not what I wanted, but it is what it is. I practice acceptance every day.
I can well imagine your devastation. I know for me personally there is no way around it if someone is using. I also know that I needed tremendous support, care and understanding to be able to even think about putting boundaries in place.
Hey Mass, I'm so sorry this has happened, but am so inspired by your strength. I too am in a marriage that I fear my dry drunk will relapse and my boundary is he will need to leave if he starts up again. I can NOT subject my children to it any more. A 3 year old should NOT know how to open a beer bottle for her dad - yes - that was a shining moment in our house. Anyways, I can't speculate what tomorrow might bring, but only live for today. Was your ABF in AA? IP
