The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello. I have been going to Alanon face to face meetings about three times per week since January 2009. I looked forward to meetings, shared fairly often, read a lot of literature, found a sponsor and started to talk with a woman from the group fairly often.
Unfortunately I have not enjoyed going to meetings for the past month, and have only been going once per week. I think two things turned me off: 1) some members talking about "taking care of themselves" at the expense of their pets (i.e. leaving them with an alcoholic spouse); and 2) feeling completely codependent with my new alanon friend and that she expected a lot more than I could give.
Regarding #1 I realize that I have to:
a) take what I like and leave the rest AND
b) have these people serve as a reminder that taking care of myself means first things first (i.e. responsibility to children and pets who ARE dependent) and detaching with love and kindness.
Regarding #2 I realize that:
a) my interaction with even a nonalcoholic alanon woman can be codependent b) how such codependent behavior sucks the life out of me c) this woman can function fine without my help d) it is my responsibility to put up boundaries about what I can and can't do for other people
While I have learned from writing this out I still do not look forward to going to meetings. I have been leaving the few I have been going to early (i.e. before the closing). I do see the difference not attending as many meetings. I feel much more depressed and just dead inside. I am isolating a lot more and just don't feel good about myself.
I would appreciate hearing about any other people with similar experiences.
I know my sponsor is really adamant about getting to meetings frequently, and once a week isn't enough.
I am often told that when I don't want to go to a meeting, that's when I need to make it to one the most.
One thing I've learned, too, is that I've run from a lot of my problems, and if I want to make any changes in my life, there will be times where I need to learn how to face them and deal with them.
It makes me think of a particular meeting I've ceased attending because a particular member just really upset me with some sick behaviors. I felt very hurt and disturbed by this member and decided I'd never attend this person's home group again unless I was in some serious need of a meeting that day. While this solution has suited me thus far, I still think I need to work on not running from the situation and start showing up again... remember to bring my HP with me. I just feel so intimidated by this person. One of these days... But in the meantime, while I've ceased that meeting, I was sure to take up a different one to make up for missing that day.
I remember one meeting that I stopped going to because the same woman each meeting chose to share as the last sharer. Each of her shares were so depressing that she continued to depress my depression even more. It seemed she needed the 'end of the night limelight' with all her insults toward her A, and her woe is me talk...that she waited until the last share so we could all go home with HER story in mind. I came to a point that I had no interest in going because I would go home feeling more lost and depressed and confused than when I got there, never feeling like I got much from the meeting because she would blind sight me with her sad share. I stopped attending.
I then became even more depressed/isolated because I NEEDED meetings. So I went back (we don't have many options for meetings where I am - so it was either not go, drive real far for a meeting elsewhere, or go to this one). I recognized that just like our tools say....'take what you like and leave the rest'. I actually tuned her out - and reviewed the other shares and ESH from others during the meeting while she was talking. It helped me 'get beyond' her giving ME her depression. I couldn't help her, she didn't want help...she seemed to just want others to feel sorry for her and OHH! and AWW! her with each share she offered. But, I overcame it because of MY need to get to meetings.
Perhaps some tools of 'let go, let god' or 'take what you like and leave the rest'...or even 'live and let live' with the ones that are not helping you with their ESH can work for you? I know it is easy to FEEL someone else's pain, if we allow it - that was what was happening to me. But, I chose to find a better way for My recovery.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do! I hope you can find a way with your own ESH to overcome your situation!
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...He compared his weathered hand to mine and said, ... GROWTH OF THE MIND AND HEART are the best offers you can give.my Grandfather (Keeper of Stories), to me
The best way for me to stop meetings is to start judging what others are or are not doing . What their doing is none of my business and who am I to judge them , do I agree with everything I hear at meetings , NO but again I am there to learn what to do and sometimes what not to do. Listen to the similarities not the differences and you will once again start enjoying the meetings .
