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I simply don't get it. Why does someone else's martyrdom make me soooo angry. First I want to at least give myself a pat on the back for at least recognizing the insanity - which took reassurance from my sponsor. But why do i bother letting it get to me. My AH lost his license due to DUI. After a few weeks of being the primary driver, and driving the 41 mile commute to take him to work while i had the stomach flu i finally lost it (broke down) and insisted that he find some backup transportation - bus, light rail whatever. that I wasn't going to "quit my job to be his chauffer" His reaction was quite extreme. said he'd move downtown, sell both cars, jog, walk or take a bus. He said he would never treat anyone the way I was treating him. That he helped me and drove me around for years and that what I was doing was going to get me bad karma. I want to know why I feel guilty and bad and so angry. and if i really am doing what's right for me why do i feel bad, and when is it going to feel better?
Sounds like you're breaking out of your own patterns (good for you!) and you're simply feeling what's uncomfortable. Don't let him push your buttons! You have every right to say what you need and you've done it. He's going to push back to try and get you to cave in. He doesn't want the dynamic to change and you're changing it.
I am new to setting boundaries myself. It's painful. It has helped me to read posts here, go to f2f meetings, and several times this past weekend I called someone from Al Anon when I felt most like giving in. It helped to talk it out. Take care of yourself first - "to thine own self be true".
Hang in there - you're in my thoughts - please know you're not alone and you're doing great by setting your boundaries. And as you said - you deserve a pat on the back for recognizing the insanity - that's a huge step.
MaineGirl is right on in her reply. The saying Nothing changes if nothing changes is so true. You have changed and set some boundaries, spoke up for yourself and are becoming stronger. That threatens his disease. A's very often get their way via manipulation and scare tacticts. I see nothing illogical in you asking him to find an alternate way to work. YOU didn't get the DUI and cause his situation, nor are you responsible for the consequences that follow. Let him do what he thinks he has to do.. I would lay it in his lap where it belongs. Is your name on either of the cars? He can't sell them unless you sign off (legally).
It is good for him to actually "feel" the repercussions of his DUI. You driving him to work makes it pretty easy for him. Like you said, he has a chauffer... he probably enjoys the ride.
Hang in there, you're doing fine. Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I used to think that my AH's ability to turn any situation into one in which he was the victim and I (or anyone else) the persacuter, was strictly pure genius on his part. Didn't matter what the topic was, if it was benign, moral, silly, or serious. I kid you not, anything could be flipped around. It made me feel as if I was crazy. I have since learned that it is not so much a "gift", as it is an alcoholic trait to get the focus and responsibility off of them. I also learned that my reactions of feeling guilty, bad and angry weren't unusual either.
Remember, changed attitudes can aid recovery for both you and him. You set a good boundary, now its time for him to do his part.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
