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Hi this is my first time posting on this site. My ah and i have been married for almost 11 years, 1 year 5 months of it he has been sober. Although he is not actively working the program he attends therapy once a week and has been since he came home from rehab last year. things have gotten better but he sees things as if he is changing and I am not. I had went to counseling and meetings when he first came home but then stopped going. I recently started going back to counseling last week to work on me. I guess my burning question is will I ever be able to let go of my resentments from his alcoholic past? Will I change like he says he has? I want our marriage to work but it always seems like i am the bad one the one who doesnt do things right. Am I subconsciously thinking that he might drink again is that why I react when he tells me he is going out? I guess i have alot of unanswered questions and whys? Thanks for listening
Please go back to meetings and your counselor , both work great together . Drinking or not your husb is still alcoholic and we just dont think alike , your anger and resentment are stopping you from truly enjoying your life . will it help me change the way HE says he has ??? has he really or is he still looking way too much at you and what your doing or not doing . Sober requires more than stopping the drinking , it requires a change in attitude . In our prog u will find your miracle * the real you * . Please go back for your sake actually for both of your sakes . Louise
Congratulations to YOU - for seeking out help for yourself.
Regardless of what happens with your AH - sobriety or relapse - you have taken some steps to take care of YOU and how you have been affected by another person's drinking.
Counseling, Al-anon meetings, working the 12 steps of Al-Anon, working with a sponsor, reading recovery literature and posting here at MIP, and a relationship with my Higher Power - are just some of the ways that you can help YOU. I know that these things helped me tremendously.
I have heard it said in many open AA meetings - the drinking was just a symptom of alcoholism - now the alcohol is gone - time to do something about the "ism".
For me, I had things in that "ism" - Not all good, not all bad - just needed to learn some new tools to deal with my life. The things I mentioned above helped me and are still helping me.
Wishing you Serenity, joy and love, Rita
-- Edited by Rita G on Thursday 20th of August 2009 06:21:02 AM
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hi! I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from and I only experienced a year of alcoholism when I started dating my partner! I had/have SUCH a hard time still (needless to say you lived with the hurt for a decade!!!)
It is like you constantly want to make reasons for their past behaviors, you need to know WHY they did those things and said those things and its almost like you become obsessed with the thoughts and memories sometimes! How could they ever TRULY REALIZE how much pain they caused?!
I had an incredibly difficult time accepting that the "drinking" guy was a whole different person then the "sober" one and had/have to REALLY dig deep focusing on today, and most of all FORGIVING him for being human. Its tough because he left so many emotional scars! And its terrifying to think it might happen again someday! But the unconditional love of God will forgive and allow you to continue to love him through this and by the grace of God he will prove to you that he is capable of earning your love and in the end he will realize the sacrifice you are making and appreciate it.
Thats just my opinion :) hope it helps.
Also, THERAPY THERAPY THERAPY with a great counselor :)
Thanks so much for the input. I have started counseling with a good therapist. Today was my 2nd time in quite some time. Feels good to be going again. I know need to work on me and think that I do need to forgive him if I want to keep on being in a loving marriage. I know he thinks counseling is good for me but it seems he wants to hear what he wants to hear and everything else is irrelevant. It can get so frustrating at times when I seem him lashing out the way he use to when he was drinking. I know that the drinking has stopped but some of the alcoholic behavior has not. My counselor spoke to me today about the long process of me changing. She says it could take as long as he was actively drinking. I want to change in many aspects for me my AH and our daughter. It is sometimes just so hard and i feel insecure out times and scared. There were so many episodes that keep replaying in my head that I just can't get rid of. Will they ever go away? If so when? It is so true that at times I don't think he realizes how much we all went through. He has apologized but I feel actions speak louder than words. At times I see those loving actions but at times I feel like we are where we were 1 1/2 years sgo just with no alcohol involved. Thanks for listening.
