The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A few weeks ago I wrote out 15 things I am powerless over. At the time, I had to reach for 15 things, and also at the time, I was in an insecure place in my head and heart-- trying hard to figureout where my insecurities came from, I looked a lot to my past.
TOday I realize that in a very real way, the only thing I am powerless over is my emotions and this stupid cycle they are on. I'm not talking about PMS, although it does seem to come about more during my physical cycle, but some months, I get my peroid and it's smooth sailing, and other times I get insecure and freaky over nothing and I'm no where NEAR my peroid.
Enough about my period.
The cycle I am talking about is just emotional. I build my life and myself up, get to feeling OK with everything, and then BAM! some worry comes in and I end up searching hi and low for the source, and reacting out of fear. I "turn" on myself. For no good reason! Work is going well. My relationships are going well. Everyone is healthy and happy for the most part. But BAM! OUt of nowwhere, I start to have a nagging doubt, and it doesn't go away, and I am POWERLESS to stop it, or trick it, or manage it without a melt down.
SO, I allow mysel;f the melt down. This is OK, for me.
It is not OK for me to do this to the people I love tho. MY son, my soon to be AH.
THis is what I am powerless over, and what is unmanagable in my life.
This is what I can learn to do without, what I have to give up/change/learn a new way of being.
I"m not in dire straights here-- at the moment I am building my life and know instincively that it is a good one, one worth dreaming about and persuing.
I feel that I became cyclical when I lived in a abusive relationship in which the "Cycle of Violence" was a daily feeling, and knowing where we were at in the cycle was a skill I could come to count on and manage--- until I realized that abuse is nothing to be complacent about and "manage". (*uck that!)
5 years out of that relationship and I am on my own, but still cycling. Yuck.
I can stop this now, right? I can tell it's going to drive my man and son crazy if I don't.
Sometimes I feel that my brain is all chemical and the synapses made in the abusive relationship just still fire.... like my brain just learned how to cycle and so that is what it does now.
For me, I am realizing that I am not very good at recognizing, acknowledging and then responding appropriately to my emotions. My episodes of panic, and at times seemingly irrational and erratic behaviour, I believe are a result of emotional build up that needs to get out and "explode", much like a volcano.
Recently I've noticed that dealing with my feelings better - recognizing and acknowledging - has helped me feel less of that emotional pressure in my system. Progress, certainly not perfection.
ok, yes again I can relate to this post. In regards to the other post... what I am powerless over, the day I accepted that I was powerless over everyone else on the planet, is the day I surrendered and accepted that my only hope of control was with me. I cant force the cat to do anything, et cetera. I can feel my feelings, let them wash over me and sit there, relaxed, breathing, experiencing my emotions. In the past (ie b4 program) I would automatically be reacting & feeling like a slave to my emotions... truth is I was a priosner of my reactions. I dont have to immediately react, it was simply habit or old programming. I have worked hard to feel & wait. I try to look objectively at my feelings too, getting out of my ego and just feeling it. Then if I have a decision to make about it, I can make a list or mull it over & determine what is the best choice for me. Most of the time, I was doing something that didnt have to be done. Like sabatoging a relationship or something. I dont ahve to do that. I can experience my feelings and continue to practise not reacting. Then later I will have the opportunity to respond.
My only goal here, when it came down to it, was to get healthy mentally. I knew I had old tapes that were guiding me, pushing me through life. It dows take work, practise, conscious awareness but changing those old ways is possible. My self talk used to be very negative, one day I made the decision to flip it and find a positive way to enocurage myself - again this has taken a lot of practise but when a neg though would come, instaed of thrashing or beating myself up - recognize it, let it go, replace it with something more effective, like "it's ok". Just telling myself I am ok has helped me. I was truly, abusing myself too. It's been about two years since I have been doing positive self talks and discovering self love and I feel like a completely different person.
As far as chemical goes - when I am on my perios or near it or ovulating, I too experience different issues with self worth or unresolved feelings my pop up - my hormones do a number on me! For me just recognizing what is going on - a emotion or my hormones, it helps to allow me to calm down about it and put my codependnet & insecur fears in their place -- I recognize them, validate it (which usualy takes a big part of the pain out of it and deal with it, so I can let it go). I think of emotions as energy in motion and as humans, we all experience similar things.
Are you ACoA? I know for me when I got the book, 12 steps for adult children it helped me sift through very twisted & confused feelings that had, disentangle them and recognise issues I had with codependency. Maybe u would like it as well. Getting them Sober by toby rice drews is a very useful one living with an A or in early sobriety.
Glad ur here, keep working on you!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Yes, it's old tapes. Nothing has happened to make me start to fidget in my seat. I often go for a run or do some free writing for a while and those things HELP, but they don't solve anything. I would like to be DONE with this. It's not enough to just cope anymore. I need to be more productive about getting to the root of this rotting tooth and extracting it, you know?
My parents aren't alcoholics, FOO for me is mostly all good. I might have an Abandonment complex- seems like I do. Who knows where THAT pesky thing came from? I am in Alanon because the man I am engaged too is an addict. He's high function and very dear. Not a mean bone in his body, and smarter than most other people I've met. BUt he's an addict all the same and I joined this sight primarily to learn what I can do to manage myself better. I'm cathcing on quickly that there is no controlling him or his drinking or porn or pot use. I gave up a few months ago on THAT. He knows it bothers me, and he's respectful of that. Probably knows I could do better and he's lucky to have me. So far, I have let go of expecting things to go the way I expect them to. So he proposed to me last October-- and just today, I got a ring. Not an engagement ring, but a ring all the same. I LOVE it. It's very comfortable on my finger, and I don't think I"ll take it off, no matter what happens.
I have come to understand that I don't understand why he has these addictions and he doesn't know why either. He doesn't have healthy coping skills, but in getting to know him, it seems like at one point he did.
I have had a couple tragedies in my life since becoming an adult, and I think maybe the extremes of the emotions I have experiences have taken me to such grand highs and such total bottom of the pit despair-- but I can't blame it on the experiences. Bad things happen, and I didn't have the skills to handle them. So I reacted emotionally.
So, Rosie, I agree completely that if it's new to look at what I can do to help myself. BUt if it's old stuff-- you said in your post "So, let's deal"-- but how? All I can think of to do is shrug my shoulders and go "well, there's no going back" and just let it sit... the problem for me is that I'm action oriented-- just sitting with things feels weird.
Hey-- I glanced at what the 2nd Step is-- and I am totally on board with admitting fully and completely and without any qualms that MY WAY IS NOT WORKING.
I am not sure, but it seems like I'm ready to start that step-- what do I need to do? can someone tell me what they did for their second step? Or what a second step generally looks like? HOw do I work it?
