The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello all - It's been awhile since I posted on this forum but, I am ready to share. I've been stuck for a few months now.
I'm becoming more aware of my toxic shame and how it permeates every corner of my being and daily life. I operate and navigate the world from this place of inadequacy - behaving in so many severely dysfunctional, shame-based and codependent ways.
Work is getting to me lately. I feel like it is slowly breaking me down and I'm powerless to NOT allow it to affect me in this way. The repetitiveness of each day, the same nonesense, the micromanaging by my boss - I am terrified to make a decision without her consent and when I do reach out for her opinion or guidance she ends up critisicizing whichever way I attempted to approach it in the first place.
My attitude is poor, period. I am so easily agitated and once my patience is taxed (which can occur in the first five minutes of me walking through door) I am then wildly defensive.
I don't mean to come here and purge all my feelings in this way OR to blame it all on my job. Taking responsibility for my part - which is remaining IN this job- is what I continue to do. It's so taxing on me emotionally at times, that I zone out or I become paralyzed in making decisions for fear that my boss will not approve or I'll be dealing with her dissatisfaction somewhere along the line.
I have already decided that I will attend graduate school. I am grateful for the light at the end of the tunnel with regards to my next step. There is still all of the question marks as to WHAT I will attend it for, but that is for another post :) Is it accurate for me to be able to say that my job is having an effect on my relationship? I don't know, but if I'm not ok with ME I surely cannot function in a healthy manner in a relationship? I'm snappy and agitated and just feel so emotionally drained. I struggle alot with the internal versus external locus of control --- of viewing myself as in control of my life, and responsible for me versus being at the mercy of things out of my control - the universe. Maybe I need to begin to see my Higher Power as a loving one who has my best interests in mind and does not seek to punish me, because I am not bad at my core?? I know when in question, it is usually the PERSON who needs an attitude adjustment and not the external situation/circumstances.
I am so physically and mentally exhausted by the end of the day that I pass out on the couch or go to bed so early and never make it to the # of meetings I once attended. I still go to my home group which is a different 12 Step fellowship, but still a meeting nonetheless. I am a runner so I exercise regularly but, I continue to be convinced that my funk and continued funk is a result of emotional strain.
For me sometimes having a safe place to just get the thoughts out of my head is a good use of the message board. I may or may not be looking for ESH, but just a place to put the mental junk. Once I get it out it looses its power over me and the obsession stops.
When you just need to get it out, that's what we are here for.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
For me shame is another form of self loathing, negative thoughts telling me I'm not good enough or I deserve to be unhappy. Recently I have been trying to practice self love, I use affirmations such as 'I approve of myself' 'I am lovable and I deserve to be happy' As soon as I hear the negative talk starting up in my mind I repeat my affirmations. That may sound a little odd but it works for me. Shame can make us feel unworthy and allow others treat us disrespectfully. Your boss sounds difficult and negative this could be one of the causes of your low energy.
You are a good person and you deserve to be happy. I agree your tiredness is probably due to emotional stress, I recently went through a phase when all I could do was sleep, it was strange because like you I am a runner and used to having tons of energy. Listen to your body and nurture yourself. When I wake up in a bleak mood I make a conscious effort to feel the opposite, sort of mind over matter, it takes practice but I know my attitude shapes my day. Your decision to return to study is a good one. Keep positive and keep on working your program, all will be well.
