The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Overall my jealousy/insecurities have gotten alot better over the years, but today it once again reared it's ugly head over the dumbest thing. My partner, who I completely trust and have confidence in, changed her facebook profile pic from the two of us to just her for the first time since I got back from visiting her 6 weeks ago. Now while I do notice in the pic she is wearing the shirt I bought her for the first time, and probably showing it off as it reminds me of her - unfortunately my negative instincts shout this at me:
* She changed the pic cause she would prefer to show off how good she looks for the moment and seek approval from others
* The comments on her page from guys and girls are always so encouraging (sexy, very nice etc.) She has so much support and for some reason I feel threatened/jealous by that, as most of my friends are lazy and really don't communicate with me that much, and certainly don't comment about things like this. I am certainly proud/content she has these people in her life, but I keep thinking about how I don't have many
I know she doesn't want or need approval from other people, and I know she probably took the photo to show off the new top. So WHY do I get so cut/gut wrenched over things like this? It's like my instinct tells me I'm being detached..
This is the biggest problem I face in terms of battling my fears/problems. It has gotten alot better, but now and then it's like BANG!
Thank you fore your share, I identified alot with it. I too would have obssessed over the whys and ifs of my partner doing such a thing, I could obsess for days over the slightest thing. I could be so jealous. I really could spend my life and energy going over things others did.That was before I found MIP and Alanon.
I see from your previous post you were raised in a home affected by addiction. I too was raised by an A parent in a very dysfunctional home. This left me with a variety of problems such as low self esteem, abandonment issues and codependant behaviours. I gained alot of insight from reading Codependant No More by Melody Beatty, it does cover the subject of jealousy, for me my jealousy has to do with my fear of being abandond, it is irrational and very painful. I think if I had a higher self esteem I wouldnt be quite so jealous. I have also read alot around ACoA (adult child of an Alcoholic) issues and am working the 12 steps for adult children and the Co-Dependants Anonymous steps. In step one of all these programs we start by admitting we are powerless over something be it alcohol/others, and our lives had become unmanagble. By doing this it takes the focus off them and we put it back on ourselves. This is the begining of recovery from the compulsive way of behaving, behaviours that are so strong and powerful we are often unaware of them. I have found through my awareness I can change, its not easy and I still have along way to go. Going to meetings posting here and working my program on a daily basis is the only way I can keep moving forward.
I hope you can get to face to face meetings, there you will find so much support from others who really understand. Keep posting and Keep coming back your worth it.
Hi, I can relate to your share also. When I feel like this I try and look inwards why am I really feeling this way? It is normally fear- fear that I am not good enough for my partner-fear that he will leave- lack of self love and confidence.
Now when I get these feelings I share them at a meeting on here or with my sponsor. They help me to reason things out. Normally my partner is just happy living his life and it is my stinking thinking that is wrong. I will share my feelings and thoughts with my higher power and ask to be rid of such negative thinking. I will spend time with people who make me feel good about me. However I know now that no one else actions, thoughts or behaviours make me feel anything it is my thoughts. Your girlfriend sounds very confident and self assured good on her. She seem to have nice friends. Today I work on my self esteem and build friendships that promote this hope this helps take what you like and leave the rest
Thanks for sharing this. It is definitely insecurity that fuels my jealousy. I would obsess for hours, in an almost paralyzing manner, about thing such as what you describe. I also highly recommend Codependent No More. The vortex of codependency can be multilayered and the book shed so much light on the needless ways in which I was obsessing over people and things I simply couldn't control.
Does your partner suffer from insecurity? I only ask this because I have often attempted to seek approval and validation through my physical appearance. I think it is normal to want to put a flattering photograph of yourself up on facebook. If your partner is not an attention seeker/insecure about her appearance and self then I don't think there is any reason to believe she is trying to send messages by changing her photo.
I relate to you so much. I have so many moments of feeling achingly insecure and as though I am being sucked into a tornado of obsession. I have severely low self esteem. Today I am aware of this, acknowledge it and am beginning to accept that this is where I am at. Here is the truth: living with alcoholism and addiction makes us develop distorted/false belief systems. We view the world in a disorted manner. We developed these systems in order to emotionally survive as we were growing up. We do not have a healthy developed sense of self. So many of the ways in which I view myself are distorted. I personalize most things and believe I am inherently unworthy. I have huge abandonment issues and fear rejection. However, they cause us pain as we become an adult. This program teaches me to identify the distortions and to learn that I need to RECOVER from my disease of the mind and the way I am viewing the world. This program has taught me ALOT about myself. The first thing I would say to do is to stop shaming yourself for the way that you feel. Shame begets shame. We have a feeling then we JUDGE ourselves for having it and it continues. It is the endless cycle of self hatred where we always lose.
Today, I am learning to SEE my feelings and NOT judge them. Feelings are not facts. This program teaches me that I have my own disease and I have never learned how to love and honor and respect myself. I am learning that what I do during these times is call program peeps or get to a meeting if I can. Meetings calm the inner critic in my head that is always barking at me.
I believe this program, practicing these steps can bring me peace. So I am willing to try something different. YOu're not alone. Getting out of the obsession of the mind is so very difficult.
