The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First off I want to start by saying how grateful I am for this board and all the help I have gotten from Alanon as a whole.
My problem is very difficult for me .... maybe even more difficult that the drinking. My husband has been sober for 20 months. I started alanon before he went to rehab so we pretty much got straight together. I quit going to alanon about a year ago because I got laid off and it is about 30/45 minutes away. Things were good then and it didn't seem to hurt anything. Slowly but surely we have both fell back into old habits. We have came back into contact with a couple from our past with whom my husband is also related. I just have such a bad feeling about them it is all I can think about. My husband and his cousins wife constantly talk on the phone and text one another and I know it is not appropriate he just will not consider my feelings. They go to the drive in twice a week together and I am unable to go since I stay with our baby. This couple has a bad reputation for their sexual exploits and I can't help myself .... I am consumed by this situation. Also our relationship has changed drastically. My husband is no longer affectionate with me at all - we simply exist in the same house. It is so hard to draw a line and tell myself it is none of my business. He tells me that I am overreacting and that he is just stressed and unhappy but I feel as though I cannot exist in this situation much longer. I wish I could disconnect from this and make myself happy I just don't know where to start. Advice?
Also, I went to a meeting today for the first time in over a year and my plan is to go to 7 meetings in 7 days to get back on track
There you go AM...that would have been my first suggestion. I don't give advise anymore because of the danger for when it works and when it doesn't. I do have a suggestion on boundaries...set ones that are workable and that you are willing and able to follow thru on other wise I've heard it is just like teaching a pig to sing.
They don't get the words or the tune and trying to make them just pisses the pig off.
My experience is that I just set boundaries for me and followed up on them for myself.
Glad to have you back home...Keep coming back and get your recovery back up to level with or without him. (((((hugs)))))
Im with Jerry , thank God u went back to a meeting this time please stay for your sake . No adivice but the next time my husb said he was going to a drive in with another woman , I would bundle baby up and say I think this time I will come along too . babies sleep anywhere as long as they are fed dry and with mommy . And i am sorry but your husb going to a drive in twice a week with another woman is your business . 7 in 7 sounds good to me . Louise
Welcome! I remember well the icky feeling of doubting myself. I would start to question if I was entitled to even having a boundary because me aH would pout, get angry, sulk, dismiss my feelings, whatever it took to have my mind spinning into thinking that I didn't deserve to have any boundaries of any sort. I am learning that having boundaries for ourselves is okay, even if other people don't like them. Boundaries are for us.
I guess I could have been more clear, my husband goes to the movies with his cousin and his cousins girlfriend .... sorry for the confusion. I am still reading responses....
AM, What you're husband is doing is making you uncomfortable. You should speak up. Just because we are in al-anon doesn't mean we have to turn the other cheek. Now, just be prepared, his response may not be what you desire. It's at that point you have a decision to make. That's where knowing your boundaries are good.
First keep the focus on you. Just say keep it to, "I feel uncomfortable" - Do not focus on him
"Is my long-suffering attitude going to achieve any good results? Or will it only reinforce the alcoholic in his belief that he can manipulate the situation to get his own way? Am I being fair to him in allowing him to outmaneuver me at every turn? Will he look for sobriety if I give him no compelling reason to do so-not only for his sake but for my own? I am an individual with the right to a good life this I must do for myself. Have i deceived myself into thinking that it is my lot to accept anything life chooses to hand out to me, however humiliating or degrading" some sentences from ODAT
Family patterns are really hard to become aware of. There may be some of your own family pattern here too. Above all use alanon and lean on the meetings and this board.
So things have really changed. My husband asked me for a divorce on Thursday morning. He said he is not happy and is no longer interested in trying ... he wants out. We signed and had notorized a parenting plan and also a post nuptial agreement where our finances are concerned. I am well. I in no way want a divorce but I now believe and know that I can only control myself and these are his decisions and choices. He is incapable of being a partner and I find it somewhat comforting that I will no longer wonder what will be in that regards. I have many emotions that frankly I just don't have the time or energy to deal with right now. I am extremely blessed to have a great sponsor and Alanon to get me through this horrific change. I have this book titled "When Your Falling Dive" and just the title encourages me to sit in my uncomfortable moments and learn. I really believe this is my own personal revolution ... it's going to be hard ... it's going to require some very hard work ... but in the end I will rise up and be a better me. So for today I will shut my mouth and listen and not react.
but the next time my husb said he was going to a drive in with another woman , I would bundle baby up and say I think this time I will come along too . babies sleep anywhere as long as they are fed dry and with mommy . And i am sorry but your husb going to a drive in twice a week with another woman is your business . 7 in 7 sounds good to me . Louise