The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i still haven't been able to forgive myself for what i did in my relationship with xabf.
1) he was still logged on to his email account. i looked at an email exchange between him and his ex. i lied to him about it, then confessed the truth three days later.
2) after one of his binge nights during which i felt verbally attacked by him, we got home, i threw a remote (not at him, mind you. at the wall) and accidentally broke his tv. i hadn't learned the art of detachment at that point. i let the anger and the resentment build up inside and i unhealthily let it out.
really wish i had been aware of this site during my dealings with him.
once i lay it out like that, it becomes clear that i deserved to be kicked out of his house, strung along and then dumped. how am i any better than he is?
i still love him, and i hope he can forgive me. i hope i can forgive myself, too.
-- Edited by queenie88 on Saturday 15th of August 2009 11:50:33 PM
First of all queenie, I'd say stop beating yourself up. We've all made mistakes and regretted them. That's what our 4th step inventory is for and our 5-9th steps. Secondly, remind youself that you did not have al-anon at the time and were not in recovery. So you reaction at that point is totally understandable.
Get yourself to some f2f Al-Anon meetings and start working on you. You will feel much better and work on that "forgiving yourself" it's very important that you put yourself at the top of the list of the people that you have harmed. Being in an alcoholic relationship sometimes we forget that the person we harm the most is us.
Take care of yourself One Day at a Time.
Overcome
__________________
I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Don't worry about his forgiveness. Be more concerned with you forgiving yourself. Don't blame yourself our beat yourself up. What's done is done and it can't be taken back.
You can move forward, though, by working on healing and forgiving yourself.
thanks for the replies. i guess what's bothering me most is that fact that, as much as i know it's irrational, i somehow feel responsible for his horrible behavior, like my actions "made" him be that way to me. like it was all my fault.
Here is an Al-Anon thought called the 3c's. You have to be ready to believe and accept it as real for it to work. "I didn't cause it, Cannot control it and Cannot cure it." You haven't got near as much power to make a grown man's choices and be responsible for the outcomes also...without his participation and agreement.
I certainly did my share of snooping and screaming and acting out around the ex A. I felt deeply ashamed of it. Detaching was so so key for me. The more I detached the less I acted out. Even then I still had my times of screaming at him. I knew I was in deep water when I did.
Please know you are not alone. Al anon is a very difficult program. Some of us get here later rather than sooner. The most important thing is we get here.
