The material presented
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It's been an awfully tempting day......thinking (obsessing) a bit more than I should today.
My thoughts:
In my mind keeping track of what he'd be doing at a particular time of day. "He's probably getting ready for work about now." "I wonder if he's spoke to his parents yet today." "This is the time of day he used to Skype me." Stuff like that.
I've been really tempted to log into his email to see what kind of trouble he's been getting in to. Now that he doesn't have me in his life is he emailing his enabling ex? After all, the day after our breakup he'd received 5 emails from her saying how much she missed him. (They've been divorced for 1 1/2 years.) How convenient would it be for him to lean on her shoulders after I "treated him so horribly and pushed him away." Surely she'd be a sympathetic ear.
Dysfunction all around. Something I don't need or need to know.
There's so much I could be doing, and working on, to distract myself. Why, oh why, does he creep into my head like that?
It is a battle of my wills. Good vs. evil. I keep reminding myself to maintain my sense of pride and not to lower myself to unacceptable standards. But it's ooooohhhhh so hard.......
It is hard. Some days it's easier than others to not think of him.
Why, oh why, does he creep into my head like that?
For me I think it's because I still do love him, but I do not love his disease. Even though he has been sober a month it's too much for me to deal with on a daily basis. Im used to seeing him daily, sleeping in bed next to him for 3 years and now it's nothing.
Often times when I think should I snoop into this, should I do this or that I first ask myself what is my motive? And if it is not beneficial to me (which by the way 99 percent of the time isn't) I let it go to HP.
If I were to read his emails there could be emails to some other girl and is that something I really want to read? In a way yes, but it would just hurt me more so I don't do it. And often I will tell myself for the next minute, next ten minutes or whatever I will only worry about ME.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Thanks for this thread. It's been a tough day for me thinking about the person that I know I need to stay away from. But I have been wondering what they are doing too. Why am I letting him have space in my head? Ugh! One moment at a time.
Thank you. Although I don't wish this on anyone, it helps to know I'm not the only one who has these twisted thoughts.
What's my motive if I did this? Honestly - I couldn't tell you, other than to just be nosey and see what he's up to. That would serve me no purpose at all especially if, as you said, I saw something I didn't want to. Not sure how I'd react but I'm sure it would just add salt to my slowly healing wound.
I like your suggestion of consciously devoting time to only yourself when these temptations arise. I'll give it a try.....
Another thing I do when thinking about him is write a list of 10 negative things I hate about him and remind myself why I left him! And how much more serenity I have now in my life. That usually works every time. Because usually I keep thinking of the good things when my brain starts thinking, thinking if he was here now what would "we" be doing, where would we be?..
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I just remind myself that I don't care anymore. Like my poor brain that was so trained to obsess and think of ways to control, well, I tell my poor brain that I just don't care anymore. It works!
Like when I am driving by his old place of business and I think I see him and my reaction is to turn my head and look (which would trigger me to no end) I say out loud "Oh right...I don't care about that anymore" and I drive on by and put my mind somewhere else.
For me this would be great "call my sponsor" time...Sponsors work perfectly in these occasions. I remember once NOT calling my sponsor and going by her place of work suddenly making an unintended stop because I thought I would see her and then the young guy behind me rammed his restored 65 Pony Mustang into the back of my car. God could I never ever come up with that one on who would suffer because of my family disease. It's sponsor time!!
Don't feel surprised by your reactions and compulsions Hollie...this is our part of the disease. They are addicted to the chemical and we are addicted to them.
Find out where the face to face meetings are at and get there fast, get all the literature you can, get the steps, traditions, slogans and sponsor if you haven't already ooooor get crazy for doing the same things over and over again expecting different results. Not a good picture.
It's been an awfully tempting day......thinking (obsessing) a bit more than I should today.
My thoughts:
In my mind keeping track of what he'd be doing at a particular time of day. "He's probably getting ready for work about now." "I wonder if he's spoke to his parents yet today." "This is the time of day he used to Skype me." Stuff like that.
I've been really tempted to log into his email to see what kind of trouble he's been getting in to. Now that he doesn't have me in his life is he emailing his enabling ex? After all, the day after our breakup he'd received 5 emails from her saying how much she missed him. (They've been divorced for 1 1/2 years.) How convenient would it be for him to lean on her shoulders after I "treated him so horribly and pushed him away." Surely she'd be a sympathetic ear.
Dysfunction all around. Something I don't need or need to know.
There's so much I could be doing, and working on, to distract myself. Why, oh why, does he creep into my head like that?
It is a battle of my wills. Good vs. evil. I keep reminding myself to maintain my sense of pride and not to lower myself to unacceptable standards. But it's ooooohhhhh so hard.......
i know EXACTLY how you feel. my ex was out of the country for work. we had kind of a forced "no contact" thing since he was abroad and he decided to so callously string me along and dump me two days before he'd be incommunicado. of course that infuriated me, after everything that happened, but knowing that he was unreachable made things a little easier in my mind. but now i've just learned he's back. back in his hometown, where several of his exes are. i haven't heard anything from him, not a peep, and part of me is just so enraged and disgusted that someone could treat a person so horribly and just unempathetically walk away and not look back. i wonder who he's reaching out to right now. he undoubtedly has a string of women as his enablers that he can reach out to. perhaps his ex, who, even after she broke up with him and started dating someone else, told that person that she thought she and xabf would end up together in the end. CRAZY!
i'm having a really hard time detaching from all of this. it's only been a few months since he left. and i don't understand how, after all this, he can just move on and not look back. we were living together. he said i was the one. and now, nothing.
I also live with the memory of his words: "This time it feels right." "I'm not going anywhere." "I love you." And I still believe him, but I now realize that his capacity for genuine, healthy relationships is greatly impaired by his sickness.
Fortunately, mine is still out of the country and will be for the next 5 years. More than enough time to recover, but due to the age of technology, I can still have access to him. I have not, however, attempted to do so.
I also struggle with how one can just walk away without looking back. No apology, no I miss you....nothing. It's unfathomable to me, but I just have to accept that is how things are going to be.
As difficult as it is ~ I need to keep trying to move forward.
thank you for your suggestions. Unfortunately I haven't found a f2f here that works for me....yet. I've attempted, but haven't found any "peers" who understand. Most are too far mired in their own muck to possibly guide me through mine. However, I will keep looking for the right one.
In the meantime, I do have a TON of literature and continue to search for more online. To not do so would definitely lead me to "Insanity" just like you mention.
And, you lovely folks are serving as my sponsors right now. Again, until I am able to find one who is healthy enough with their own situation to be able to help me with mine.
Probably more true then most of us will admit. Detach. Stay busy. Fake it until you make it. I do all three and he still creeps in my head. I ask my HP for help. What does this mean? Why? But it won't let it keep me from having a quality day.
You are not alone...I can totally identify!!!! It is a physical, mental and emotional pain. Stomach in knots, feels like someone punched you in the gut..... Mind racing, not sleeping, no appetite and crying ...and crying some more... Keep reaching out...Read your literature..Post...Pray, meditate and try to be good to yourself.
My dry drunk BF told me three weeks ago that I am an amazing woman and that he doesn't want to lose me and that he realizes he hasn't been fair to me in this relationship for months. I fell for the words.He was great for about three weeks..until we had to discuss an issue in the relationship and he walked away from me like I have no value to him whatsoever. I was totally devastated !!!!!! Change does not happen without working the steps, meeting attendance and a desire to change.....
So instead of waiting for him to wake up and realize what he is doing...I want to change...I don't want to be in this pain...I want the serenity the program promises and I have to do the things that are suggested to me... even though I have to FORCE myself to do them one moment at a time... I must value myself and my serenity above all else...
You will get through this...We will get through this together. If you need to message me privately feel free. I will be keeping you in my thoughts in prayers today...
